Falling Back
by Snow-n-Ice
Summary: When Emma's life starts to fall apart, there's only one person who really understands her ex Sean. But what does that mean for his current girlfriend Ellie? And how will Craig ever get his old life back? xxx UPDATED with 2 NEW chapters xxx
1. Everything Feels Wrong

Disclaimer – I don't own any of these characters.  
  
Note -- This is my first fan fic, so please bear with me. This first chapter is a bit long,   
but it basically lays the ground work for what will happen later in the story. I'd love to   
know what you think!  
  
Falling Back by SnownIce

When she walked through the halls of school these days, Emma Nelson felt like a   
stranger, an alien from some faraway galaxy.   
  
All around her, people seemed to have their lives. They were so many happy couples –   
Paige and Spinner who always seemed to be baby-talking to one another, Toby and   
Kendra who were so compatible that it could make a person sick, Sean and Ellie who just   
seemed so comfortable with one another (in a way that Emma thought she and Sean   
never seemed to be), Jimmy and Hazel who had just gotten together but seemed totally in   
synch.   
  
Chris was supposedly her boyfriend these days, and he was amazing and smart and   
cool, but even with him, she didn't feel like herself. She felt like she was only acting out   
some part. Sometimes, she watched Chris while he was spinning, and he looked so   
happy, like there was nothing that could possibly compare with the beat of the music and   
all those bodies dancing. There was nothing in her life right now that made her feel that   
way. Nothing.   
  
Even Manny, who'd been through such a rough time with Craig, seemed to be having   
fun. At the pep rally last week, Emma had watched Manny as she performed with the   
spirit squad, and it was obvious how happy she was to be out there, to be a part of that   
team.  
  
Happiness was a foreign concept to Emma these days. All she really felt was tired.

When she passed friends, she'd smiled just like she always used to, and she'd still gossip   
sometimes in the bathroom with Liberty. But none of it felt right. It didn't feel good,   
that was for sure. It was almost like she felt nothing at all.   
  
Maybe Emma didn't allow herself to feel, because if she did, then she'd have to   
remember every single horrible detail of her life, and then all she'd feel is the pain.   
  
She'd have to deal with the fact that her father was sick, really sick, and the chemo that   
was supposed to be making him better only seemed to be wearing him down more. She'd   
have to deal with the fact that her mother, already overwhelmed with a new baby, had to   
live with the knowledge that she might lose her husband. She'd have to deal with the fact   
that Manny, her oldest friend in the world, wasn't speaking to her these days, that most of   
the time, they couldn't even look one another in the eye.   
  
She'd have to deal with the fact that the only boy she'd ever loved had smashed her heart   
in a million pieces, and hadn't even seemed to feel bad about it; it almost seemed like he   
enjoyed it. She'd have to deal with the fact that even though she'd moved on from Sean   
to Chris, she still hadn't really invested herself in that relationship. Maybe because she   
realized that it was only a matter of time before it felt apart like everything else in her   
life.  
  
Why would Emma want to deal with any of that? It was better to just be numb. Better   
not to feel anything at all.  
  
As she walked to English, where a test on MacBeth was waiting for her, she realized that   
things really couldn't get much worse. At least she could take comfort in that.  
  
In the crowded hallway, she thought she heard someone call her name but she couldn't be   
bothered to turn around and check.  
  
"Hey Emma! Wait up!" Someone called from behind her. She was sure that she heard it   
this time, but she still wanted to pretend that she hadn't, so she would be left alone.  
  
Finally she turned, and found Craig jogging up to her. He looked worried and maybe a   
little bit afraid.  
  
"Emma, hey," he said quietly. He walked beside her, matching his pace to hers, and   
leaned in close, so he could whisper to her. "Joey told me that your dad isn't doing too   
well these days. I mean, I can see that myself actually, so I just wanted to make sure you   
were doing okay. See if you wanted to talk or whatever."  
  
There was a time when Craig's concern would have made her feel better, and Emma   
would have taken him up on his offer to talk. But so much had changed recently, and her   
friendship with him was as empty as everything else in her life. After what he'd done to   
Ashley and Manny, Emma just didn't feel like she could trust him. It made her feel like   
she'd never really known him in the first place.  
  
"I'm fine, Craig," she said. There was no emotion in her voice. "I gotta go or I'll be late   
for class."  
  
Emma turned the corner without looking back. She started to walk faster, just wanting to   
get to class without having to talk to another person. When she stopped at the water   
fountain to get a sip of water, she felt a headache coming on. She stood up slowly,   
closing her eyes, and took a deep breath. She could get through the day, the week, all of   
it, if she just kept it together.  
  
Suddenly, she could tell that someone had come up behind her, standing close enough   
that she could feel the sleeve of a shirt brushing against her bare arm. A hand appeared   
over her shoulder, holding out a purple and blue pen. Emma recognized the pen as her   
own, and she recognized the hand too. She felt like she might throw up, and her heart   
beat wildly in her chest. The day had suddenly gotten much, much worse.  
  
The absolute last person on earth that she wanted to talk to was Sean Cameron. She'd   
rather chew glass than have to look at his face.  
  
But Emma turned slowly, almost like she couldn't stop herself. When she looked into   
Sean's eyes, she didn't see what she expected in them. She didn't see the anger, hatred,   
and disgust that he'd been shooting her way for months now. It was almost like there   
was no emotion in his eyes, like he felt nothing at all for her. Somehow that was worse   
than hatred. Emma wanted to cry – the first real feeling she'd had in weeks – and hated   
herself for it. It was beyond stupid to care at all what Sean Cameron thought of her.  
  
"Here," he said, shaking the pen at her. "You dropped this."  
  
Emma didn't say a word, just took the pen and nodded quickly. Sean sighed, and   
disappeared into the crowded hallway.  
  
Those were the first words he'd spoken to her in months that weren't full of anger and   
rage, but even after he was gone, Emma's heart pounded, and her stomach ached. She   
leaned back against the wall, and closed her eyes.  
  
What is wrong with me, Emma wondered. The problem was there were no easy answers.  
  
-x-  
  
You just know your day is going to suck when you realize you have an English test in   
two minutes, and you can't even remember what book you were supposed to read. That's   
the way that Sean's day was shaping up. Way to go, he thought to himself. Another F to   
add to the collection.  
  
But he had bigger things on his mind now. For some reason, he couldn't stop thinking   
about his run-in with Emma. Run-in? It barely lasted fifteen seconds, and consisted of   
about three words. Emma hadn't even spoken to him. She could barely look him in the   
eye.  
  
For so long, Sean had been more angry with her than anything else. He couldn't look at   
her without wanting to put his fist through a wall. He'd hated her because she wasn't   
what he wanted her to be, because she was so damn sure of who she was, because she   
never let him forget what he could be if he only tried and made an effort. He'd hated her   
because she always seemed to make him feel not good enough, not smart enough, not   
everything enough, for her.  
  
Then, he'd started to hate her because every time he looked at her, he could feel the guilt   
deep inside him, growing bigger and bigger every minute. The way he'd treated her, the   
things he'd said to her, the way he'd broken every promise that he'd ever made to her. It   
made him feel terrible, and that wasn't anything he wanted to feel. It was so much easier   
to hate Emma, so much easier to pretend that it was all her fault.  
  
Sean had been with Ellie for a while now, and she made him feel like everything might   
actually turn out all right in the end. Yeah, Ellie was amazing, but he'd still look at   
Emma, and feel like a screw-up. She didn't even have to say anything, and he felt like a   
loser. He'd watch her out of the corner of his eye, taking a test, taping up posters for her   
stupid environmental club, laughing with that loser of a boyfriend she had these days, and   
Sean just felt like crap. It never got any better.  
  
Then, one night, Ellie had been talking to him about how sometimes it was best to just let   
go of the guilt, that you couldn't torture yourself over and over again with every bad   
mistake you'd ever made. She was talking about a character in a movie they were   
watching, but she may as well have slipped his and Emma's names into the conversation.   
Sean got the message. Finally.  
  
When he went to school the next day, and really looked at Emma again, he saw   
something that all the anger and guilt hadn't allowed him to see.   
  
Emma was just not herself these days. She seemed like she was lost or something. She   
did all the same things that she'd always done, but there wasn't that look in her eyes, that   
bright spark of passion and excitement. When he looked at her closer, he started to   
realize that no one else around her seemed to notice. They all carried on like nothing was   
wrong, treated her like good, old dependable Emma, who never needed anyone's help.  
  
The really scary part was that Sean thought he knew exactly what Emma was feeling.   
  
The dead, bored look in her eyes reminded him of exactly how he'd started to feel   
months ago, the way he still felt most of the time. It was the dark feeling that hanging   
out with Jay and the guys had driven off for a while, but hadn't completely gotten rid of.   
It was the feeling that Ellie seemed to be able to keep in check, though even she couldn't   
do it all the time.   
  
It was the sickening feeling that there was just nothing good left in life, that no one could   
change that, that nothing would ever get better.  
  
Now Sean saw all that in Emma, but he didn't know what to do. They weren't even close   
to being friends. Deep down, though he didn't want to admit it, he knew that she hated   
him, and that she had every reason for that. It wasn't like he could go up to her and have   
a heart-to-heart. Say, "Hey, Emma, I know what you're going through, and it really,   
really sucks." He didn't really want to do that anyway.  
  
Sean couldn't help himself – how was he supposed to help Emma, a person he only   
seemed capable of hurting.  
  
When she dropped her pen, it was like some outside force had made him pick it up. He   
hadn't thought about it, just did before he could reconsider. Look how well that had   
turned out.  
  
Maybe he just should face it – he was a screw-up.  
  
"Sean!"  
  
He heard his name called again, and then Ellie came up behind him, smiling softly. Sean   
smiled back, but he didn't really feel it.

"What's wrong?" Ellie asked him, looking at him carefully.  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"You sure? You looked … spooked or something."  
  
"Nah. It's just that I have this test and I'm pretty much screwed for it, so…"  
  
Ellie nodded, and patted his arm.  
  
"Just relax. You'll be fine." She leaned in to kiss his cheek, and that small gesture made   
him feel a little bit better.  
  
"I'll see you at lunch," Sean told her, heading toward his English room.  
  
When he got to class, everyone seemed stupidly hyper, going over the test material one   
last time, frantically asking one another questions, and just generally freaking out.  
  
At her desk, Emma sat motionless, staring off into space. She held the pen that he'd   
returned to her in a tight fist.  
  
Sean took his own seat, and tried to remember what book he was about to be tested on.   
That was easier than thinking about how he and Emma both seemed screwed-up these   
days.  
  
- x –  
  
If I had a dollar for every dirty look I've gotten today, Craig thought to himself as he   
headed for the soda machine, I'd practically have enough to buy a new guitar.   
  
He'd already had to deal with Ashley glaring at him in History, Paige making snide   
comments to Spinner about Craig's love life in gym, and Manny watching him with her big,   
sad eyes while he got his books from his locker. It was too much for anyone to deal with.  
  
These days, Craig felt like he had a big red C stitched across his chest – C for cheater   
because that's the way every girl at school seemed to see him now. Even before, when   
he'd tried to talk to Emma about the rough stuff she was going through, she'd seemed   
like she couldn't bear to talk to him, like she just didn't trust him anymore. Craig had   
only wanted to help her out, and she'd like she was contaminated just from being near   
him.  
  
Yeah, he was public enemy number 1 with the female population at Degrassi these days.   
Most of the guys looked at him like he was kind of hero, patting him on the back and   
smirking at him like they shared a secret or something. That only made him feel worse.

God, he just felt so tired lately. Dealing with all the Ashley/Manny fallout was the most   
exhausting, but he had an English paper due tomorrow that he hadn't even started and a   
Calculus test to study for and Joey had a list of chores as long as his arm for Craig to do   
this week.   
  
Things can't get much worse, he thought to himself as he took change out of his pocket   
for the soda machine. He needed caffeine if he was ever going to get through the day.  
  
Craig slipped his money into the machine, and pressed the button for Coke. He waited,   
but the machine didn't do anything. He pressed the button again and waited, but still   
nothing happened. When he pounded on the coin return button, the machine still didn't   
respond. The frustration built, and Craig started to pound on the machine like a madman.  
  
"Why do these things keep happening to me?" he whined aloud. He banged his head   
against the machine slowly.  
  
"Maybe because you're a lying, cheating jerk?" a female voice behind him offered.  
  
When Craig turned, Ellie was standing behind him, holding a handful of change herself.   
She used her shoulder to rudely push him out of the way, so she could stand in front of   
the soda machine herself.  
  
"You know, maybe Sean likes this rough stuff, but I don't, all right?" Craig said snidely.  
  
"I save all my violent impulses for dogs like you. Don't you feel special?" Ellie smiled   
sweetly, but he could see the venom in her eyes. She put her money in the machine, and   
considered her choices.  
  
"I made a mistake, all right?" Craig said finally. "A pretty awful, terrible mistake, but I   
didn't kill anybody's puppy or anything."  
  
"Knowingly stomping all over someone's heart is more than a mistake," Ellie told him.   
Craig watched as her can of orange soda fell from the machine easily, without problem.   
It was official – his life totally sucked. "And in your case, it was two hearts, wasn't it?"  
  
"I'm sorry for what I did, Ellie. Am I gonna have to pay for it for the rest of my life?"  
  
"Your entire life? Probably not. The rest of your high school life, yes."  
  
Craig threw his head back, and sighed.   
  
"Look, could you tell Ash one more time that I'm sorry? That I really didn't mean to   
hurt her or anything?"  
  
"She's not going to listen. You're barely on her radar these days." Ellie picked up her   
soda, and started to walk away. She stopped for a moment, though, and looked at Craig   
intensely. "And for the record, I think Ash let you off easy. If it had been me, you'd be   
lucky to still have all your vital organs in tact."  
  
"Nice," Craig muttered to himself as he watched Ellie walk away.   
  
He wasn't entirely sure if he wanted Ashley back, but he knew that he didn't want to live   
like this anymore. He just couldn't take Ashley and Manny and Emma and Paige and   
Ellie all hating his guts, acting like he was gum stuck to the bottom of their shoes.   
  
Craig just wanted to get his old life back. Too bad he didn't have a clue how to do it.   
  
Suddenly a thought hit him. Ellie was a little more enthusiastic in her hatred of him than   
the rest of Ash's friends. It seemed to come a little too naturally for her. If Craig could   
just win Ellie over, make her realize that he wasn't a total jerk, then Ash and the rest   
would be a piece of cake.   
  
There was only one problem. How was he going to get Ellie Nash to stop thinking of   
him as the world's biggest jerk?


	2. Back at the Beginning

Disclaimer – I don't own any of these characters.  
  
a/n – Thanks to everyone who R/R-ed the first chapter. The encouragement is much appreciated. This chapter is another kind of intro one, but I promise we're getting to the good stuff really soon!

- x -

After school, there was no better place to practice guitar than in the gym.

At least that's what Ellie thought. It was something about the acoustics in there, the high ceilings and wooden floors, that made the music sound so perfect. She sat on a stack of wrestling mats, and tried to work out a problem in one of PMS's new songs.   
  
She was having so much fun being part of the band. Under normal circumstances, she would never be friends with people like Paige and her friends. But with music involved, all that creative energy, anyone was bearable.  
  
Ellie tried a different chord, hoping it would fit the lyrics better. Ash would owe her big time if she could get this thing worked out.  
  
The gym door opened then, and Ellie could hear someone's sneakers as they squeaked against the floor. When she looked up, Sean stood in front of her. He looked sort of distracted, but with his hat pulled so low, she couldn't really make out his eyes.  
  
"Hey," he said. "What's going on?"  
  
"Nothing much. Just working on a song." She patted the mat next to her. "Sit down. Listen."  
  
He obeyed, and sat beside her. Ellie played the new arrangement of the song, feeling proud and excited. It sounded better than she'd hoped.  
  
When she was finished, she waited for Sean's reaction. He just sat there, staring straight ahead like he didn't realize the song was over.  
  
"So…" Ellie said. "What do you think?"  
  
"Huh? Oh, it's good. It's really good." Sean smiled, and it seemed like he meant it, but something wasn't right with him. Ellie could just tell.  
  
"So, how did that test go this morning? The one that you were so screwed for?"  
  
"Like I expected. It was ard to write an essay about MacBeth's wife when I didn't even know the guy was married."  
  
Ellie laughed, and patted his knee. "I'm sure you'll nail it next time," she told him. "Listen, I know that you said you also were having trouble with Trig. I thought we could get together tomorrow night and I'd help you study. I aced my Trig final last year."   
  
Sean started to fidget. "Ah…"  
  
He seemed so reluctant, and Ellie couldn't figure out why. Just yesterday, he'd said that he was looking forward to spending time with her this weekend. What had happened to him since?  
  
"I mean, I know it's Friday and everything," she said quickly. "But we could just study for a while. Then maybe order a pizza and watch a movie?"  
  
Sean sighed, but nodded slowly. "Sure. Sounds good."  
  
"Really? Okay, great. What movie should I get?"  
  
He shook his head. "Whatever you want."  
  
"Oh really? So if I pick out 'Steel Magnolias' or 'Terms of Endearment,' you're totally okay with that?"  
  
"Whatever you want. Really."  
  
There was something seriously wrong with him. Ellie hoped it had nothing to do with Jay and those other losers that Sean hung out with. There wasn't really much she could do about them. She was Sean's girlfriend, not his keeper. She couldn't tell him who he should and shouldn't be friends with.   
  
Maybe it's just the test, Ellie thought. He's upset about screwing up the test. That's got to be it.  
  
"Okay, I'll just pick something out," she said finally. She strummed her guitar, and started to tune it.  
  
"All right. I gotta go." He leaned over and kissed her. When he pulled back, he was smiling, just the way he always did after they kissed. "I'll call you later."  
  
Ellie watched him walk toward the exit. If there was something really wrong with Sean, she'd try to get him to talk about it tomorrow night. Until then, she'd just have to relax.   
  
Just relax and make sure the song was perfect.  
  
- x –  
  
When she got home after school, Emma was surprised to find the house entirely silent. She expected to hear Jack's cries filling the air, or her mother on the phone fighting with the insurance company, trying to figure out how they were going to pay all of Snake's doctors' bills. She was even prepared to hear her mother begging Snake to eat something, anything, even a few little crackers.   
  
Instead, the house was completely quiet. It was like a dream, Emma thought. Exactly what she needed. Peace and quiet, even for just an hour.   
  
Chris had wanted to get together after school to study for Trig, but she just couldn't bring herself to. Emma wasn't sure if it was the studying that turned her off, or Chris himself. But really, she didn't want to analyze it too closely. She had just told him, "Maybe some other time," and walked off.   
  
Wow, she was a great girlfriend, wasn't she?  
  
Somehow, all Emma wanted to think about was her pen. That damn stupid pen that Sean had returned to her. All day, she'd clutched the pen in her hand like it was some kind of safety blanket. She told herself there was some psychological reason for it, but that it had nothing to do with Sean. Nothing. It was just a good pen. A really, really good pen…  
  
Emma threw herself down on the couch, and closed her eyes. Just as she was about to fall asleep, she heard someone moving dishes in the kitchen. She should have known the whole quiet house thing was too good to be true.  
  
"Emma," her mother whispered softly. "Em, could you come in here for a minute?"  
  
Her mom stood in the kitchen doorway with Jack resting against her shoulder. He appeared to be sleeping, which was definitely a good thing.  
  
"Why are you whispering, Mom?"  
  
Her mother nodded toward the baby. "And Archie's upstairs taking a nap. I don't want to disturb anybody."  
  
Well, anybody but me, Emma thought bitterly. Still, she got up and sat with her mom at the kitchen table. It was covered with hospital bills and medical journals.   
  
"What's up, Mom?"  
  
"There's just something I wanted to talk to you about, Em," her mother said. "Something I think we really need to discuss."  
  
Emma nodded.  
  
"We both know how bad things have been for Archie lately. We may not talk about it, but we both know," her mother whispered. For the first time, Emma noticed that her mother's eyes were red, and there was mascara smudged beneath them.   
  
"What are you saying?" Emma asked quietly.  
  
"I'm not saying that we should give up hope, Em. I'm not saying that at all. We have to keep praying that things will work out. Absolutely." Her mother sighed, and patted the baby's back. "But we have to be realistic. We have to prepare ourselves."  
  
Emma closed her eyes, and waited for her mother to say it. Just spit it out, she thought to herself. Let it out.  
  
"Em, we have to accept the fact that we might lose Archie. We have to be ready to pull together and keep this family going. Just the three of us if that's how it turns out."  
  
There was a time when this would have made Emma cry, when tears would have fallen, hot and wet, from her eyes. But now she just wanted to go downstairs and take a nap.   
  
Instead, she reached into her pocket, and pulled out the stupid purple and blue pen. She gripped it in her hand until her knuckles turned white.  
  
- x –  
  
There were a million things that Craig had to do before this day was over, so he practically sprinted down the halls of Degrassi in a rush to get home. School work, chores at home, practice with his band… the list went on. One of these days, he needed to schedule a nap.  
  
As he ran past the gym, Craig noticed the doors were open, and from inside he could hear the soft sounds of a guitar. It was a kind of sad song that was being played, something really emotional and raw. Something really good. In a way, it was better than anything he'd ever come up with himself. Whoever was playing was seriously talented.  
  
Quietly, he poked his head inside the doorway, and looked around. Sitting on a stack of dirty gym mats with a guitar in her arms was Ellie Nash, playing like she was the only person left in the world. Her head was bent over the guitar so she didn't see Craig watching, and he moved further into the gym.   
  
"That is absolutely amazing," he called across the room.  
  
Ellie jumped like she was terrified, and almost dropped the guitar. Her eyes were wide and Craig thought he could almost hear her heart pounding from where he stood.  
  
"God. You shouldn't sneak up on people like that," Ellie said, clearly annoyed. "What is wrong with you? If I had any doubts, I don't anymore. You have zero social skills."  
  
"Sorry. I'm sorry," Craig said quickly. "I was passing by and I heard you playing and it sounded so great that I just had to come in and tell you."  
  
Ellie stood up, and started to put the guitar back in its case.   
  
"Wow. That might really mean something if I actually cared what you thought," she said, sounding bored. "But your opinion means less than nothing so…"  
  
Craig sighed, and ran a hand through his hair.  
  
"I'm just trying to give you compliment. That's all."  
  
"And I'm just trying to tell you that I don't want one. Not from you."  
  
Ellie picked up her case, and pushed past Craig to the gym door. He watched her walk out, feeling like a pretty big idiot.  
  
- x –  
  
If something didn't change soon, Sean was going to bang his head against a brick wall. At least then, he'd be unconscious and none of this would matter.  
  
Right now the little voice inside his head was stuck on a perpetual loop, chanting the same damn thing over and over: Emma, Emma, Emma, Emma, Emma …  
  
Emma.  
  
He'd just been a pretty big jerk to Ellie, though he didn't think the damage was too severe. He could make up for it this weekend if he tried hard enough, but still he was screwing things up as usual. Ellie had known something was wrong, but there was no way to tell her.   
  
"Hey, Ellie, I'm obsessing over my ex, so I can't be bothered to be a good boyfriend right now. Sorry. I'll just let you know when I get Emma off the brain … for good."  
  
That just wouldn't fly.  
  
The only way to put this Emma thing to rest, Sean thought, was to take some kind of decisive action. Find out if she was really in trouble, or if he was just projecting his own crap onto her. Maybe she was fine. Maybe she was dealing with all of her life's problems without difficulty. Maybe he was wasting his time even considering the possibility that she was falling, falling, falling…  
  
It didn't seem likely, though. Emma was not right, Sean knew that much. There had to be a reason.  
  
If he could just find someone to ask about it…  
  
Sean didn't realize that he was looking for Craig until they both stood on the front steps of school in the hot sun, about to head in opposite directions. Craig had headphones on, and appeared to be really into whatever music he was listening to, bobbing his head up and down, and tapping out the beat against his discman.  
  
Sean had once considered Craig a pretty good friend, but they hadn't talked in a long time. Craig had become so involved with the whole Jimmy-Spinner-Marco crew, and Sean had zero interest in being a part of that. And he knew that Craig would not exactly be thrilled by the prospect of hanging with Jay and the guys. Sean and Craig just didn't have much in common these days.  
  
But right now, Sean could force himself to talk to his old friend He couldn't do that with Emma at all, so he thought Craig was the best alternative. He probably knew exactly what was going on at Emma's house since his step-dad and her parents were such good friends.  
  
"Hey! Craig!" Sean said loudly, hoping Craig would hear him over the music. But Craig didn't seem to, and kept walking down the steps.  
  
Sean walked after him, and tapped his shoulder. Craig turned, absolutely startled. He seemed even more stunned when he saw who it was that wanted to talk to him.  
  
"Sean! Hey!" he said, taking off his headphones. "What's going on?"  
  
"Not much. How're you doing?"  
  
"I've been better actually," Craig said. He shook his head like he didn't think anyone would believe the crap that he was dealing with.  
  
"Same here," Sean told him.   
  
The conversation was like torture. They clearly had nothing to say to one another, and all Sean wanted was for Craig to talk to him about Emma. He was getting nowhere.  
  
Craig looked at him intently, and adjusted his backpack. "You're with Ellie now, right?"  
  
"Yeah. Yeah, we're... you know."  
  
Craig nodded, like he was thinking carefully about something, but didn't say anything. It seemed like a random enough question, but for some reason, it made Sean feel guilty. Get this over with, he told himself.  
  
"So, listen," Sean said finally. "I hear that Simpson isn't doing too well. Actually, that he's doing pretty bad. I mean, we've had a sub in MI for like two weeks now."  
  
Craig sighed, looking pretty somber. "Yeah. I hear it's not looking good. I haven't seen him, but Joey says … Joey says that it's really tough to visit him these days."  
  
"Man. That must be pretty rough for everybody."  
  
For some reason, Sean couldn't just ask about Emma outright. It was almost as if he didn't have that right.  
  
"Yeah," Craig agreed. "I really feel for Emma's mom. I mean, they get married like a year ago, and she's got a baby to take care of, and now she's got to deal with all of this … It's not fair, man."  
  
What about Emma, Sean's mind screamed, but he held back from actually saying it out loud.  
  
"But she's tough, right?" he said, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "She'll get through it."  
  
"I hope so," Craig said sadly. "I really hope so." He shook his head, and looked off in the distance toward the sky. It seemed like that would be the end of the conversation. If he wanted to know, Sean was going to have ask about Emma point-blank.  
  
"How do you think Em—-"  
  
"Craig, you deadbeat!" Spinner came crashing down the stairs like his house was on fire. "Dude, you're gonna be late for practice again!"  
  
"I'm not late yet, Spin. And who are you to talk? You're gonna be late too."  
  
Spinner sprinted down the street, clearly taking that as a challenge. Craig started backing up, and turned to Sean apologetically.  
  
"Sorry, man, I gotta go. Talk to you later, all right?"  
  
Sean watched as Craig ran after Spinner, catching up with him pretty easily. They turned a corner, and disappeared.  
  
Sean threw his head back, and sighed. Nothing seemed to work out these days. He had to face cold, hard reality. There was only one way to put this whole thing to rest, to stop thinking the million and one thoughts that he didn't want to think.  
  
Sean was just going to have to talk to Emma himself.


	3. Things Have Changed

Disclaimers -- I don't own any of these characters.

a/n -- Again, a big thank you to everyone who R/R-ed the first couple of chapters. I'm definitely feeling inspired.

- x -

Mondays always felt like a cold, hard slap in the face, but on this particular Monday, Ellie felt even more unprepared for the week ahead. The weekend had been too short, really, but also somewhat unsettling, and she wished that she had another day or so to process all the things going through her head.   
  
Before first bell, she stood at her locker with Ashley, putting away her books. Maybe it was just the funk that Ellie was in, but everyone around her seemed especially cheerful. Even Ash was in a good mood, humming some catchy tune as she unpacked her book bag. It was almost sickening, Ellie thought.  
  
Across the hall, Spinner and Jimmy were reenacting scenes from some big-budget action adventure movie they'd seen over the weekend. They looked like idiots but didn't seem to have a clue. Craig watched them for a moment as he passed, apparently coming to the same conclusion that Ellie had because he shook his head at them like they were incredibly stupid and immature.   
  
When he walked by Ellie's locker, he gave her a strange smile, something between nervous and goofy, and turned the corner toward the library.  
  
"I almost forgot to tell you," she said to Ashley after he was gone. "But I think your loser of an ex-boyfriend is stalking me."  
  
Ashley looked up, confused. "Craig?"  
  
"That's the one. He came into the gym the other day when I was working on our new song and he couldn't stop telling me how great it was, what a fabulous guitar player I am. Bascially that the sun and moon and stars revolved around me."  
  
Ashley frowned. "Maybe you're next on his list. You know, in his plan to screw over every girl at Degrassi."  
  
"I don't think so," Ellie said. "You know what this is about, right?"  
  
Ash leaned back against her locker, lost in thought for a moment. Finally, she turned to Ellie and shook her head.  
  
"He thinks that if he's nice to me, if he keeps showering me with compliments, then I'll persuade you to forgive him and he can stop feeling so bad about himself."  
  
Ellie and Ashley shared a meaningful look. Then, in unison, they laughed, "Ain't gonna happen."  
  
Maybe this week wouldn't be so bad, Ellie thought. She was starting to feel better already. She glanced down the hallway for a moment, and out of the corner of her eye, she saw Sean as he walked passed. He smiled at her, and waved quickly, but didn't stop to talk. Ellie sighed, and went back to putting her books away.  
  
"Trouble in paradise?" Ashley asked. There wasn't any malice in her voice, just friendly concern.  
  
"Not really. It's just… there's something going on with Sean, and I can't figure out what it is."  
  
"What does he say?"  
  
"That's the problem," Ellie said. "He won't say."  
  
She closed her locker, and smiled at Ashley.  
  
"I shouldn't complain, really. We hung out all weekend, and it was great. Really great."   
  
She remembered Friday night, Saturday afternoon, and Sunday morning – there were quite a few fond memories involving Sean's couch. Certainly nothing to get angsty about.

Ash tilted her head, waiting for her to continue.  
  
"But the minute I try to ask him what's going on, he gets all quiet, and tells me that's it's just school. That he hasn't been doing well lately. I've seen him fail tests before, Ash. He never took it this hard."  
  
Ashley shrugged. "Guys are strange, strange creatures," she said. She pointed across the hall to Spinner and Jimmy, who were now in the middle of a contest to see who could stuff the most Oreos in his mouth at once. "They are impossible to figure out."  
  
Ellie frowned, not entirely convinced. "I guess so."  
  
"Seriously, I wouldn't worry, El. I know Sean fairly well, and I see the way you guys are together… no problems there."  
  
Leaning back against her locker, Ellie tried to imagine how she and Sean appeared to other people. Nothing would come to her. Really, she didn't think they'd be all that interesting to others. Certainly not interesting enough to generate any gossip.  
  
"How are we together?" she asked Ashley as they started to head for home room.  
  
"I don't know… Comfortable maybe?"  
  
Ellie nodded, but didn't smile. Deep down, she knew that Ash was right. She and Sean _were_ extremely comfortable with one another, and that certainly wasn't a bad thing.   
  
But she knew something else too, something that she didn't like too much -- comfortable was often another word for boring. And boring was nothing that Ellie wanted to be.

She sank into her seat in home room, and tried to figure if she was doing something wrong. It wasn't like she could count on Sean to tell her...  
  
- x –  
  
When the bell rang, and it was finally lunch time, Emma felt like she'd accomplished something major. She'd made it through an entire morning --that was a pretty big deal.  
  
Not only had she been working on a science report most of the last night, but she'd had to sit up with Jack, who was suffering with a pretty bad ear infection, because her mom had to take Snake to the emergency room sometime near midnight after he'd passed out in the bathroom. The good news was that they'd been able to stabilize Snake pretty easily, and he'd probably be home on Wednesday. But the bad news was that Emma had only gotten four hours of sleep. Her mother offered to let her stay home sick, but that only would have driven Emma insane.   
  
Better to sleepwalk through school than spend the day trapped in a house with death and a screaming baby.  
  
And it was lunch time now, so at least she'd get forty minutes all to herself. She couldn't handle a crowded cafeteria, and just the thought of sitting outside in the sun made her head ache. Chris was home sick with some kind of stomach virus, so there wasn't anyone who expected Emma to be in a certain place.   
  
She was free. Finally.  
  
She sunk to the floor in front of her locker, and leaned back. In her rush to get out of the house this morning, she'd forgotten to take a lunch, so she had nothing to eat. It didn't really matter since her appetite had taken a vacation lately.   
  
Instead she just sat on the floor, and tried not to think, though that was nearly impossible.

All weekend, she'd tried to stop herself from thinking about Sean, but that turned out to be as useless as trying to stop herself from breathing or her heart from beating. Thinking about Sean came naturally to her; it had for almost three years now. There was no way to control it.

During the past couple of weeks, when her life began to seem less and less like her own, she kept thinking about Sean and the way they'd broken up all those months ago. Emma thought that she might finally understand how Sean felt just before it happened, when he started hanging out with Jay and his friends – and instantly she panicked.  
  
On one hand, she was terrified because she didn't want to do anything as stupid and destructive as the things that Sean had done with his new friends. On the other hand, she was furious with herself for even entertaining the notion that she might harbor any sympathy or understanding for him.  
  
Because, honestly, he had ripped her heart to shreds, without ever showing the smallest bit of regret for it. How could she ever forgive him for all of that?

Here I go again, Emma thought. In her head, it was like all Sean Cameron, all the time. She shouldn't be thinking of him now, not with all the really important, life-altering things going on in her world. Yet somehow, that's where all her thoughts wound up going -- right back to Sean and every single thing that he'd ever made her feel.  
  
Around Emma, kids gathered in groups and headed to lunch. They were smiling and laughing, gossiping about this and that. To them, life was all fun and games.  
  
Her dad lay in a hospital bed, wasting away. It was hard to pretend that wasn't happening. Even if she let herself think about Sean.  
  
- x –  
  
He was all the way down the hall, and Sean could still see her, slumped against her locker, staring straight ahead. It was eerie, the way kids moved around her almost as if they didn't see her.   
  
He saw Manny watching Emma from across the hall, where she stood at her own locker. Every once in a while, she'd look over her shoulder and glance down at Emma. It seemed like Manny wanted to say something to her, console her, be a friend, but something was stopping her. Finally, she gathered her jacket and bag, and disappeared down the hall, leaving Emma all alone on the floor.  
  
Sean had been putting this off since last week. He'd promised himself that he'd talk to her, that he'd actually work up the nerve, but it was easier said than done. All weekend, he'd thought about it -- the best approach, the best location, the best tone of voice.   
  
Over forty-eight hours of thinking, and still he hadn't come up with anything good.  
  
Now Sean found himself walking down the empty hall toward her. He moved slowly, almost as if he hoped that he'd talk himself out of it before he got to her.

Actually, he'd watched her for almost thirty minutes before he actually had the guts. Now or never, he'd said to himself, and he'd forced himself to move.  
  
When he was close enough for Emma to see him, Sean stopped, and waited for her to acknowledge him. She just sat still, though, looking at the bare wall in front of her. He wondered if she was just being spiteful, ignoring him because she still hated him that much.   
  
But there was no way that he could walk away now.  
  
Gently, he nudged her knee with his foot, and Emma looked up, startled. Her eyes were wide, and her mouth twitched, like she wanted to say something but didn't know what. Sean realized that she'd honestly had no idea that he'd been standing there. If he wasn't worried before, he sure as hell was now.  
  
"You okay?" he asked quietly. He didn't recognize his own voice, all low and gentle. Did it always sound like this, or only when he spoke to Emma?  
  
She looked at him strangely, like she couldn't believe that he was actually standing in front of her, speaking to her. She looked at him as if she thought she was imaging the whole thing. She had a dazed and confused look on her face, which some part of him, the part of him that had never seemed to forgotten her, registered as cute.

But then her face seemed to harden, her eyes going dark and cold, and her body seemed to get stiff and tense.  
  
"Like you care," she whispered bitterly.  
  
If Sean ever wanted to pretend that he hadn't hurt her that badly, the pain and hurt in her voice made it impossible.  
  
"I did once," he told her. "You know that."  
  
"Ancient history."  
  
Sean threw his head back, and sighed. This was even more difficult than he'd imagined it would be. Part of him foolishly pretended that she'd be so grateful to him for reaching out that she'd just let bygones be bygones, sweep the whole ugly mess of their past under the rug without a second thought. Not a chance.  
  
"Look," he said calmly. "You've been sitting here, staring into space, for like twenty minutes. You can't be—"  
  
"What? Are you stalking me now?" Emma asked. She still wouldn't look him in the eye, but she managed to make him feel like an asshole anyway.  
  
"Anyone passing by could see. I'm not …"  
  
He didn't know what to say because the truth was that no one else had seemed to notice. Or care. It didn't seem like anything she should hear.  
  
Emma stood slowly, and finally looked at him. Something like relief flooded him because in her eyes, he saw a spark of something familiar – her anger and passion and fire, all the things that made Emma who she was… they were still there.   
  
"So you're talking to me again?" she asked, practically knocking him down with the bitterness in her voice. "You've decided? You figure I'm somehow worth your time now? Well, maybe you're not worth mine. Maybe I want my turn to spit in your face."  
  
He took a step back. It was one thing to imagine how angry she'd be, how much hate she carried for him; it was another thing entirely to actually feel it directed at him.   
  
Sean shook his head. "I was just trying to be nice. You looked like you could –"  
  
"That's a new one for you. Nice..."  
  
It was just like old times, Sean thought. Emma was making him want to pound his fists against the wall like she'd done a million times before. But he tried to calm down and control himself. There was a reason why he was doing this. He knew where Emma was coming from these days.  
  
"Listen," he said finally. "I know you're going through some rough stuff, and I –"  
  
"Do you? You didn't seem to understand that a few months ago."  
  
A door opened somewhere down the hallway, and Sean could hear girls laughing. He moved closer to her, almost backing her up against her locker.  
  
"Emma," he whispered, and it was almost hurt to say that word. She seemed to come awake at the sound of her name, though. Her eyes softened just a bit, and she looked so sad and vulnerable. "I know what you're going through, all right? I know what it's like to want to feel something, anything, just so you know that your life isn't over. I get all that."  
  
She looked stunned and somewhat afraid, like she'd been caught or found out. She looked as if she didn't believe that anyone could possibly understand her, that it was all some kind of trick. For a long time, she just looked at him, and tried to take it all in.  
  
"What do you –"  
  
She was cut off by the bell ringing. Instantly, kids started to pour into the hallway, stepping between them. They kept looking at one another, though, like they were the only people in the hall, the world.  
  
Suddenly Jay was in Sean's face, looking bored and annoyed  
  
"Hey, man. Where were you at lunch?" He looked over his shoulder at Emma quickly, glaring.  
  
"I was busy," Sean told him. "Stuff to do."

Jay grunted his acceptance, and nodded toward the other end of the hallway. Sean didn't know what to do or what else to say, so he found himself following Jay down the hall, away from Emma. The whole time, Sean could feel her watching him, feel her eyes burning into his back.

He had the awful, sinking feeling that he'd just made things much, much worse.


	4. Save It For a Rainy Day

Disclaimer -- I don't own any of these characters.

a/n -- As always, thank you to everyone who's R/R-ed the first few chapters.

- x -

After school, the hallways always seemed to become deserted right away, like Degrassi was some kind of prison and everyone couldn't wait to escape. It gave Craig the creeps, the way the place became a ghost town so quickly, so he usually either followed the crowd, hightailing it for home, or found Spinner, Jimmy or Marco, who he never felt lonely with.  
  
Now as Craig stalked the halls, he hoped that he wouldn't run into anyone that he knew. Well, except for one particular person actually.   
  
Since the beginning of the week, he'd planned to 'accidentally' run into Ellie, and coerce her into conversation, hopefully of the pleasant variety. All weekend, Craig had tried to come up with a concrete plan to win over Ellie, and thus, by extension, temper Ash and the other girls' burning hatred of him. It wasn't going to be an easy task, though – Ellie was so cold to him that he was surprised that he wasn't frostbitten by now. All the nasty glares, the snide remarks, the outright hostility and anger – that was a lot to overcome.   
  
But, finally, it had come to him. He just needed to find some common ground with Ellie, something that they could bond over, that he could use to make her see that he wasn't a total asshole. Then luckily, another stroke of genius hit Craig – music could do it. They certainly had that in common these days, and it couldn't be too difficult to find a way to work that angle.  
  
Really, how hard could it be? He ate, breathed, and dreamed music. Even Ellie Nash couldn't deny that.  
  
But Craig had been looking for a chance to talk to her since Monday, and it hadn't happened yet. Again, today, he'd looked all over school without finding Ellie. She wasn't in the gym, practicing again, like he'd hoped but maybe that was too much to ask for.  
  
He was just about to give up and head home when he passed the MI room, and spotted Ellie's red hair through the window. Her back was to him, so she didn't see him, and she appeared engrossed in whatever she was doing on the computer anyway. Craig got closer and saw that she was looking at a website about songwriting.   
  
This was even better than finding her practicing gym, he thought. The perfect way to talk to her had presented itself, and Craig almost couldn't believe his good luck. Maybe things were starting to go his way…  
  
He took a deep breath, and prepared to go inside and talk to her, when Sean wandered into the MI room, and sat on the desk next beside Ellie. Craig couldn't see her expression, but Sean smiled, and she reached out to touch his knee. She must have said something funny because Sean laughed then, and shook his head.  
  
Craig watched, almost mesmerized, like he was watching a particularly interesting movie. But he felt something strange, an emotion that he couldn't quite name. It made him uncomfortable and uneasy, so he tried to push it out of his mind and ignore it.  
  
Sean was talking now, in his reserved, tough guy way, and Ellie nodded once, almost reluctantly. Sean sighed, but leaned in to kiss her, just a quick peck but Craig turned away anyway. When he looked back, Sean was on his way out the side door, and Ellie had turned her head to watch him. Craig could only see the side of her face, her profile, but she looked disappointed. The corner of her mouth seemed to have fallen, and he knew that if he were looking at her straight on, she'd be almost pouting.  
  
All of a sudden, he realized that he thought Ellie would look really cute like that, that he wished he could see her like that now.   
  
Where the hell did that come from, he wondered. It felt absolutely bizarre.  
  
For a moment, Craig thought about going inside and talking to her, but something about the look on Ellie's face and the feeling he had in the pit of his stomach made him turn and leave.   
  
When he got outside, he saw Sean sitting on a bench near the bus stop, lost in thought. He looked as troubled as Ellie had, and Craig found himself wondering what it meant, and why he was so interested.  
  
This was all about what happened with Ashley, he reminded himself. Nothing more.  
  
- x –  
  
"And I told him that I was down for Friday night, but if you wanna do something else, that's cool. I mean, I wanna go, but only if it's cool with you."  
  
Chris continued talking, but Emma only seemed to hear every fourth word. She must have been nodding at all the appropriate times because Chris acted as if everything were perfectly normal.   
  
And Emma supposed that it was normal, if normal meant barely being able to stand the sound of your own boyfriend's voice.  
  
"So how does it sound, Em?" Chris asked when they reached his locker.   
  
She had no idea what he was talking about, and he was looking at her with his warm brown eyes, so patient and understanding, and it made her feel like such a jerk. I just can't help it, she thought to herself. There is something seriously wrong with me.  
  
_I know what it's like to want to feel something, anything, just so you know that your life isn't over. I get all that._  
  
"I'm sorry, Chris. You lost me for a second."  
  
"Friday night. The party at Tony's place. You up for it?"  
  
It was strange, but crowded places, like the cafeteria during lunch, the hallway between classes, and parties in particular, made her feel incredibly lonely these days. All the noise – wild laughter, silly gossip, loud music – made her feel so separate from everyone else. She just wasn't like the rest of them anymore, and she couldn't stand being reminded of that.  
  
"I'd really like to," she lied. "But with everything going on at home, I can't really guarantee that I'll be free Friday night."  
  
Emma didn't feel all that guilty since that was mostly the truth. She never knew these days when her mother would need her to watch Jack, to run errands, to sit with her in a hospital waiting room, listening to doctors explain test results.  
  
When she saw Chris' eyes darken and his smile fade, though, guilt did hit her full force. She watched as he nodded quickly, almost like he felt guilty himself.  
  
"Oh, sorry, baby. That was really dumb of me." He put his arm around Emma, and squeezed her to him. "Let's just stay in… rent a movie or something. Okay?"  
  
She nodded, appreciating Chris' understanding even if she didn't really feel like renting a movie or going to a party or doing anything Friday night besides lying on her bed and staring at the ceiling. Now she looked down at the floor, at the dirty brown tiles in the hallway, and tried to count them all to distract herself.   
  
_I know what it's like to want to feel something, anything, just so you know that your life isn't over. I get all that.  
_  
When she looked up, Chris was watching her closely, radiating concern. Emma tried to smile so he'd stop worrying, but he frowned anyway, and rubbed her arm.  
  
"Everything all right, Em?" He leaned in closer to whisper to her. "I mean, besides the obvious."  
  
She sighed, and played with the strap of her bag. When she closed her eyes and took a deep breath, there was only one thought on her mind. It had nothing to do with Snake or her mom or Jack; it didn't have anything to do with Chris either. Part of her wanted to flush it right out of her head, permanently, and the other part wanted to cling to it until everything else just faded away.   
  
_I know what it's like to want to feel something, anything, just so you know that your life isn't over. I get all that._  
  
"I'm fine," she told Chris finally. "It's just been a really long day."   
  
He smiled, believing her, and closed his locker.  
  
"How about I walk you home?"  
  
Emma shook her head. "Don't worry about it."  
  
- x -  
  
It was still bright and sunny when Ellie left school, so she decided to take the long way home, through the park, she'd have some time to clear her mind before she got to her house. When Sean had told her that he had a shop project that he needed to work on after school, she'd be kind of disappointed, but now it seemed like it might be a good thing. She needed time to think clearly, without any interruptions or distractions. Even if it was only for twenty minutes on the walk home.  
  
There always seemed to be something on Ellie's mind these days.  
  
If she wasn't worried about things at home, then she was worried about her work with Caitlin. If she wasn't worried about her work with Caitlin then she was worried about her grades. If she wasn't worried about her grades then she was worried about Ash or Marco or some other friend. And if she wasn't worried about Ash or Marco or some other friend, then she was worried about Sean. The list just kept on going in a giant circle.   
  
As she walked past the park, Ellie could hear the happy, squealing laughter of little kids, playing on the swings and hanging from the monkey bars. If only you could stay that carefree, she thought, as she watched one little boy chasing after soap bubbles that his mother blew into the breeze. Everything had been so simple when she was five; when had it all changed?  
  
When she turned the corner near the slides, Ellie heard a deep voice call out, "Ohhh, now you're gonna get it! You're gonna get it big time!" She stopped for a moment because she was certain that she knew the voice, though she couldn't quite place it. She turned to look near the water fountain, and saw a pretty little dark-haired girl screaming in delight as she was sprayed with the fine mist of a water gun. When Ellie looked closer, she realized that she knew the person on the other end of the gun.   
  
There Craig Manning was, making goofy faces and noises as he chased after the little girl, who seemed like the happiest kid in the world. Ellie smiled despite herself as she watched them together. It was almost impossible to reconcile this Craig with the selfish, cowardly loser who'd used not one, but two girls, all in the name of his raging hormones.  
  
Ellie knew that Craig had a little sister; Ash had spoken about her all the time. But somehow Ellie had never imagined that he could be like this with her, so sweet and silly, just like the perfect, doting big brother. The whole thing made Ellie feel weird, like she'd somehow gotten the picture wrong.  
  
She'd been watching Craig and his sister so long that he eventually noticed her, standing there on the street corner like an idiot. He waved enthusiastically, and bent down near his sister to whisper in her ear. The little girl turned to look at Ellie, smiling and waving herself. Craig took her hand, and the two of them walked toward Ellie. Craig's sister practically skipped, dragging him along like he was one of her toys. Both of their shirts were soaked, and Craig's hair was plastered to his forehead.  
  
"Hey Ellie," he said, when they reached her. "Here to go for a ride on the swings? I'll push you if you want."  
  
Ellie rolled her eyes. "I'm not the one running around screaming like a little girl."  
  
He grinned widely at her, then patted his sister on the head. "This is my sister Angie," he told her, beaming proudly. "Cutest six year old on the planet."  
  
Ellie smiled as Angie twirled around on one leg like a ballerina.  
  
"Hey, Angie. This is Ellie," Craig told her. He looked at Ellie strangely, like he was trying to decide on something. "She goes to school with me."  
  
Angie stopped suddenly, and looked up at Ellie.   
  
"Do you know Ashley?" she demanded. "And Emma? They're Craig's friends."  
  
Ellie watched Craig's face, but he seem totally unfazed.   
  
She nodded. "I do. Ash is my best friend."  
  
"I like Ashley," Angie told her. "But she doesn't visit us anymore. Right, Craig?"  
  
Craig had the good sense to look embarrassed – his cheeks got red, and he wouldn't look Ellie in the eye.   
  
"Ah, she's busy, Angie," he said softly. "I told you."  
  
Angie nodded, but she was looking at Ellie closely, tilting her head to check her out from different angles. She smiled, and reached out for one of Ellie's braids, twirling the end around her fingers.  
  
"Your hair is so pretty," she told Ellie. "It's like a crayon."  
  
Ellie smiled. "Thank you. Your hair's very pretty too."   
  
When she looked up at Craig, he was watching the two of them with a dopey look on his face.   
  
"So what are you guys up to?" Ellie asked.  
  
"We're playing with my new water gun." Angie took the purple and pink plastic gun from Craig, and showed it to Ellie. "Want a turn?"  
  
Ellie had hoped for a nice and quiet twenty minute walk home, and this promised to be anything but peaceful. Still, she put her bag down on the grass, took the gun from Angie. She started to pump it to get the water flowing again. Craig seemed to sense that danger lurked just around the corner for him, and he started to back away from Ellie, grinning stupidly.  
  
"Hey, come on, Ellie," he said, as she held the gun up and aimed at his face. "You wouldn't shoot an unarmed man…"  
  
She smiled. "Wanna bet?"  
  
With great satisfaction, she shot the gun, hitting Craig right in the face. He turned and ran off toward the swings. Angie followed after him, laughing hysterically.  
  
"You can run, Manning, but you can't hide!" Ellie yelled across the park.  
  
As she ran after Craig and Angie, Ellie realized that this was the most fun that she'd had in weeks. Something about that seemed vaguely pathetic, but she couldn't worry about it now.   
  
She had bigger concerns on her mind – like soaking Craig Manning from head to toe.


	5. Stumbling Through the Dark

Disclaimer -- I still don't own any of these characters.

a/n -- I guess the writing's on the wall at this point. This is headed toward Sean/Emma territory. If that's not your thing, consider yourself warned. :)

- x -

There were times when living on his own seemed like the best thing that had ever happened to him, and then there were times when it was just one big drag for Sean, like all it meant was work and responsibility and lots of time spent alone. The feeling usually hit late at night when he couldn't fall asleep and his place just seemed big and empty, but suffocating at the same time. It always happened when it was too late to call Ellie, so he just had to deal with it on his own, like he'd done with so many things in his life.  
  
And there were ways to fight it. He'd started taking walks late at night, when the streets were deserted, and everything around him seemed quiet and still. It was better than lying in bed, wide awake and frustrated. Usually, he'd be able to burn off the nervous energy that was keeping him awake, clear his mind of all its junk thoughts, and come back home ready to fall into bed.  
  
It wasn't a perfect method, but he couldn't argue with its effectiveness.  
  
Sean wandered the streets now, not really knowing where he was going. It was amazing how far he could get without ever stopping to think about it. When he finally looked up, he was in front of the park, which was kind of creepy when it was dark and empty.  
  
Sean stopped for a second, and titled his head back to look at the sky. He'd had the awful feeling all day that things were getting out of control, but he just didn't know what to do about it. He turned to look out across the park, as if there might be answers hiding in the shadows.  
  
Sure enough, he found something.  
  
Tonight, the park wasn't entirely empty – there was someone sitting on one of the benches near the water fountain. When the moonlight hit the bench in just the right way, Sean recognized the person who sat there alone. Emma seemed to see him in the same moment, and she looked stunned, with her wide eyes and messy hair. She had on plaid pajama bottoms and a hooded sweatshirt, so she looked like someone had yanked her out of bed and dumped her in the middle of park.  
  
It was official -- fate had a really sick sense of humor.  
  
"I'm going to start seriously believing that you're stalking me," she called to him. She sounded differently than she had the other day in the hallway; there was a softness in her voice now that had been missing then.  
  
"What are you doing here?" he asked, edging his way closer. "It's after midnight."  
  
Sean moved until he stood directly in front of her. Emma wouldn't look at him, but he didn't detect any outright hostility.  
  
"I couldn't sleep," she said simply. "So I decided to go for a walk. And do some thinking."  
  
"And your parents don't care that you're out here, all alone, this late at night?"  
  
"They don't know I'm here."  
  
That surprised him somewhat, but then, he knew firsthand that she could be as stubborn as he was sometimes.  
  
"What about you?" Emma asked. She looked up at him finally, and he felt something go through him, like a chill or something scarier.  
  
He shrugged. "Couldn't sleep either."  
  
She nodded slowly, taking that in. Sean shifted his weight from foot to foot, feeling uncomfortable. Emma looked at him, then looked at the empty space on the bench beside her. It took him a minute but he got the message, and slowly sat down beside her. He made sure that there was a safe distance between them though.  
  
"You really shouldn't be out here all alone," he told her. "It's –"  
  
She turned, so her back was to him. The anger was back, strong as before.  
  
"Leave me alone, Sean."  
  
"It's late, Emma. It's not safe."  
  
Over her shoulder, she scowled at him.  
  
"Aren't you the kind of person I should be afraid of?" she asked bitterly. "You're a big, tough guy these days, aren't you? You and your scary friends..."  
  
He sighed, remembering a million conversations like this with her in the past. Dealing with her was as exhausting as it had ever been. If this kept up much longer, he'd be able to fall asleep in a matter of seconds.  
  
"Forget it, okay? Forget I said anything."  
  
Emma was silent for a minute, but then nodded, and turned to face forward again. He could see her profile in the moonlight, and she didn't seem angry anymore, just nervous.  
  
"So," Sean said, struggling for conversation. "What kind of thinking are you doing out here?"  
  
Emma seemed to glare at him for a moment, like she thought he was making fun of her or something. But she sighed then, and looked straight ahead, across the dark street. She played with the drawstring of her sweatshirt, wrapping and unwrapping it from her finger.  
  
"It's stupid," she said, shaking her head. "Just stupid, stupid stuff."  
  
"Try me."  
  
Emma considered the request for a moment, then turned to face Sean directly. She pulled her knee up onto the bench, and hugged it to her body.  
  
"Do you..." she whispered, sounding like she was far, far away. "Do you ever think that there might be a moment where everything in your life changed, and if you could just go back and do something differently, just one little thing, then it would all go back the way it was?"  
  
Typical Emma, he thought. That was the funny thing -- whenever he was with her, she seemed to be herself, perfectly normal though a little bit sad, so he could almost believe that she was fine. If he didn't see her walking around like a zombie the rest of the time, he'd think he was insane for even wasting a second worrying about her.  
  
"No," he told her. "No, I don't ever think that." He laughed after the fact, realizing how silly she sounded.  
  
She half-smiled, and nodded. "Well, I've been thinking about that a lot lately." She pushed her hair out of her face, and Sean watched her hands move in the dark. "But I always think too much."  
  
"You do," he agreed, smiling. "Way, way too much."  
  
Emma leaned all the way back, titling her head back toward the sky. She looked like she was trying to soak up the rays of the moon like it was sunshine. And sitting there on the bench, she had a pearly glow that made her seem like she was from another world. She'd always seemed that way to him, something strange and out of reach.  
  
They sat there silently for what seemed like several minutes, but probably only amounted to fifteen seconds. The silence was unbearable for some reason, which was strange because Sean usually hated talking. About what he was feeling, about what she was feeling. There never seemed to be much point to it. Now, though, he wished that Emma would chatter away like she normally did, anything to fill up the silence.  
  
But she just sat there, staring up at the black sky. It was all up to him, it seemed.  
  
"So..." he started. "You and Chris Sharpe..." He felt like an idiot, but conversation was conversation.  
  
Emma looked over at him, surprised, but not really angry.  
  
"Yeah," she said, nodding. "Weird, isn't it?"  
  
"Why do you say that?"  
  
"Because we're entirely different people. Complete opposites or something."  
  
Sean laughed. "People probably said the same thing about us, Emma."  
  
She looked at him intensely, like that was exactly what she'd hoped he'd say.  
  
"Look how well that turned out."  
  
He couldn't think of any way to respond, so he just shrugged and shook his head. It didn't seem like one thing had anything to do with the other, but if Emma saw the connection, there was no way to convince her otherwise. It seemed pretty sad to him though.  
  
"And you and Ellie..." Emma said quietly.  
  
He could only nod  
  
"She seems really nice. I've always thought that."  
  
Sean nodded again, appreciating the strangeness of the conversation. He'd never imagined talking to Emma about any of this, not considering the way things had gone down between them. It was almost unbelievable.  
  
"Crazy how things turn out, isn't it?" he mused out loud.  
  
Emma looked at him, and he could see that her eyes were glassy. It seemed like she was about to cry, and Sean couldn't figure out what he'd said or done now to upset her.  
  
"I've never been able to figure it out, you know," she told him, sounding very tired. "What I did to make you hate me so much."  
  
Suddenly thing had gone from bad to worse. Bad enough to run into Emma here, in the middle of the night. Bad enough to make small talk with her about their new relationships. Now she'd gone and thrown up everything he'd done to her in his face. Not with screaming and yelling, though, which was what he knew he deserved, but with tears and that soft voice. It was like torture.  
  
"It wasn't... It's not like..." Sean sighed, feeling frustrated. "It's just that everything with us was always so hard. All of it. I just couldn't deal with it anymore."  
  
Emma nodded, wiping away the few tears that had fallen. He didn't think that he'd ever be able to forget the look on her face then, sad but strangely calm. He had no idea what was going on.  
  
"This is going to sound crazy, but this is the first time in like two months that I've actually cried," she told him. "It's almost like a relief. At least I know that I'm not totally numb."  
  
Something in him wanted to touch her so badly, pat her arm or rub her back just to let her know that he was there and that he understood. But he couldn't make himself do it, so instead he did nothing, feeling like the world's biggest asshole.  
  
"Come on," he said finally, standing up. "It's really late. I'll walk you home."  
  
Emma looked at him strangely, like she wanted to refuse, but she just nodded, and walked toward the street. Sean followed her into the darkness, wondering if he was going to get any sleep at all tonight.  
  
- x –  
  
Her life was a joke – she'd figured that out by now -- but it had turned out to be much more cruel that she imagined. Bad enough, Emma was feeling so out of sorts that she'd sit in the park in practically the middle of the night, but did she have to run into Sean, at the height of her pathetic- ness. The day, week, month couldn't get much worse.  
  
Outside her house, Sean held the basement window open so she could crawl through. She was about to lean back out to thank him, or at least say something before he left, but before she could, he crawled through the window after her. She tried not to look too surprised or uncomfortable as she stepped back to let him into her space.  
  
He walked through carefully, slowly, looking around her 'bedroom' like it was a museum, some kind of public attraction. It was a total mess, clothes thrown everywhere, her bed still unmade from this morning, books and magazines littering her desk.  
  
Sean stopped there, as he'd spotted something in the mess. He picked up the purple and blue pen that she'd dropped last week, and looked at it for a moment. Emma felt unbelievably embarrassed, like now Sean thought that she carried the stupid pen around like some kind of security blanket, keeping it close at all times. It didn't matter that that was pretty much the truth; she just couldn't stand him knowing.  
  
Finally, he put it down, and moved on to her dressed. He picked up one of the picture frames, and looked at it intently. When she came closer, Emma saw that it was a photo of she and Manny from a couple of years back that he held in his hands. She had completely forgotten that it was even there.  
  
"So you and Manny aren't friends anymore?" Sean asked finally, putting the picture back.  
  
Emma sat down on the corner of her bed, still watching him as he moved around her room.  
  
"No."  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"We said some really terrible things to each other. Things that can't be taken back, so we're ... so that's it."  
  
Sean turned, and looked at her, frowning.  
  
"You know, sometimes people do stupid things, Emma. They say things they don't mean, or do crappy things for the stupidest reasons," he said, quietly. "And they may even be sorry about it, but it's just too late to do anything to fix it."  
  
She knew what he was saying, and she knew that it was the closest thing to an apology that she was going to get. At that moment, it seemed like enough.  
  
"I don't think it's ever too late," she told him. "Not if both people still care."  
  
He looked at her, seeming pretty doubtful.  
  
"Maybe."  
  
For a long minute, they looked at one another in silence. Neither of them seemed to move, and Emma wondered if she was still breathing. It was bizarre and unsettling, but it felt so good to feel anything that she almost liked it.  
  
"I should go," Sean said finally. "It's ... it's really late."  
  
He walked toward the window, and she followed him without thinking. She knew that she had to say something, that she should say thank you at least, but as she watched him climb the crates to reach the window, there was only one thing on her mind.  
  
"Sean," she said quietly. "What you said the other day... about knowing how I felt? How did you know?"  
  
He stopped, and looked at her over his shoulder.  
  
"I don't know. I could just tell," he said. "I watched you, and I knew."  
  
She nodded, and Sean nodded back. Then he turned and climbed out the window. It happened so fast that it was almost like he'd never been there at all. She turned off the lights then, and crawled into bed. She thought she might be tired enough to fall asleep now, which was a good thing. But as she closed her eyes, Emma finally acknowledged what she'd been avoiding dealing with from the first moment she saw Sean in the park.  
  
If she wasn't careful, _extremely careful_, her life could spin even more out of control than it was right now. She just couldn't let that happen.


	6. Hard Line to Draw

Disclaimer – I don't own any of these characters.

a/n – I'm starting to sound like a broken record but I can't even begin to say how grateful I am to everyone who's reading along with this story, especially those who have been kind enough to leave reviews. You guys are the best, and I hope you continue to enjoy the story. :)  
  
- x -  
  
There were bigger decisions to be made in life than choosing between iced tea and Coke, but for some reason, Sean couldn't seem to make a choice. He stood at the cafeteria counter like an idiot, staring at the cans like they might suddenly start talking to him. Just pick one, he told himself. It's not freaking life or death.  
  
But the problem was that he knew, deep down inside, that every time he made a decision lately, it turned out to be the wrong one.  
  
Behind Sean, another guy also waiting on line started to get impatient, rattling his tray against the counter to hurry things along. But Sean glared at him over his shoulder and the kid backed down. For some reason that made Sean feel a little bit better. He still had some control in his life these days.  
  
Finally he settled on Coke, and reached for a can. It was barely in his hand for five seconds before he felt someone lightly tap his shoulder. It was a tentative tap, as if the person were almost afraid of him. He turned quickly, feeling completely caught off guard, and found himself face to face with Emma.  
  
He had just known that the whole drink decision would come back to bite him on the ass – he had the sinking feeling that if he'd just picked the stupid ice tea, Emma never would have come over to see him.  
  
She didn't look as tired as she should, he thought. For Sean, it had been a struggle to get out of bed this morning, considering that he'd gotten so little sleep, but Emma looked completely alert. Her eyes were bright, and her cheeks were almost flushed. He wanted to ignore it, but she was just so pretty, and he couldn't stop staring.  
  
"Hi," she said quietly. She looked around quickly, as if she were afraid that they were being watched.  
  
Sean nodded, looking down at his can of soda instead of into her eyes.  
  
"About last night..." Emma whispered. Her voice sounded like it was coming for a million miles away.  
  
He knew what was coming next – she was embarrassed. She wanted to forget everything about last night, and she wanted him to forget it too. She was probably right, and certainly justified, in feeling that way, Sean thought, but it still upset him. It was almost as if he wished there was something that he could do to change her mind.  
  
Sean forced himself to look up at Emma. He'd take whatever she decided to dish out. He owed her that much after the way he'd treated her after they broke up.  
  
"I just wanted to say thank you," she said finally. Her words were rushed, like she wanted to get them out before she ran out of courage. She fidgeted as she stood there, twisting one of the bracelets on her wrist around. "You know, for everything ... just... thanks."  
  
Sean stood there for a moment, too stunned to speak right away. Emma always had a way of surprising him. Finally, he was able to give her a small smile, playing it cool.  
  
"No problem," he said casually. "I mean, it wasn't a big deal."  
  
Emma nodded, but he could tell from the intense look in her eyes that she clearly thought it was a pretty big deal. Truth be told, he thought so too, though he'd never admit that. Not to her. Not even to himself.  
  
Without another word, Emma turned and headed for the cafeteria exit. He watched her go, feeling strange. Underneath the excitement, he was annoyed with himself. Why was he letting himself get pulled into this mess again? He knew how it was going to end, the way it always ended. And Ellie was someone who was always there for him. What the hell was he doing?  
  
"Oh, don't tell me you're letting little Miss Ecology push your buttons again," a voice said, just over his shoulder.  
  
Sean turned, and Jay was flashing him a nasty smile.  
  
"But maybe you should get some credit actually," Jay mused. "I mean, here you are, all friendly and cozy with your ex, and you've got your actual girlfriend stashed away somewhere, just waiting for you. Sweet, man. You're like a super stud."  
  
"Shut up, Jay."  
  
"Ohhh, touchy touchy. Truth hurts, man."  
  
"You're an asshole," Sean said, opening his can of soda. "And you don't have a clue what you're talking about."  
  
Jay cocked his head, looking skeptical.  
  
"Whatever." He looked around the cafeteria quickly, then focused on Sean again. "Forget it. We got more important stuff to talk about. Joe knows where we can score some premium merchandise. We're talking like three, four hundred dollars worth. He's gonna take us there now. Come on."  
  
Sean took a sip of his soda. He was in no mood for Jay's bullshit right now, or breaking the law and risking getting into serious trouble. He could still remember the look in Emma's eyes before she walked away. Somehow he couldn't go off with Jay with that image still fresh in his mind.  
  
"Another time," he told Jay finally.  
  
Jay blinked, confused. "What do you mean? We're leaving now."  
  
"I mean, another time. I've got stuff to do."  
  
Sean started to walk toward the exit. He saw that Jay had followed after him. Sean could sense danger ahead.  
  
"Oh, what, Cameron? Did one of your girlfriends tell you that you couldn't play with us anymore?" Jay mocked.  
  
Sean stopped dead in his tracks, and turned to face Jay. He walked right up to his supposed friend, so there was barely a foot between them, and glared as intensely as he could.  
  
"I'm you warning you one more time," Sean said. "Shut your mouth or I'll shut it for you."  
  
Jay rolled his eyes, clearly unimpressed. "Whatever, man. Just quit wasting my time." He walked away, ripping a poster for the Spirit Squad off the wall as he went out the door.  
  
Sean stood there for a moment, taking a deep breath. When he'd gotten himself together, he decided to look for someplace where he could be by himself. Other people just seemed to piss him off or confused the hell out of him these days.  
  
At least he always knew what kind of crap to expect from himself.  
  
- x –  
  
Ellie should have been used to it by now, but it still bothered her that Ashley showed up late whenever they were supposed to meet. She hated waiting around when she could have been using her time much more productively. It was just such a waste.  
  
Today she and Ash were supposed to be having lunch together, and she'd been waiting for ten minutes already. And Ellie had become so bored that that she'd had nothing better to do than people-watch in the cafeteria. She'd seen Sean, waiting on line at the counter, and was about to go and talk to him, when Emma Nelson came over to him. Ellie'd watched them talk for a minute or so before Emma walked away, and then Jay had gotten in Sean's face about something. Their conversation clearly wasn't as friendly as Sean and Emma's, so Ellie had been worried for a moment. But Jay had left without major incident, and Sean had disappeared right after that, before Ellie could talk with him.  
  
That was how things were going between them these days.  
  
Now Ellie sat at an empty table, waiting for Ash and doodling in her notebook. She was working on an elaborate sketch of car going over a cliff in flames, when she realized that someone was standing over her shoulder, looking at her picture.  
  
Somehow she knew immediately who it would be, before she even looked up. Things were getting stranger and stranger.  
  
"That's pretty good," Craig told her. He was holding a lunch tray, and had his guitar case slung over his shoulder. "I'm partial to exploding buildings myself, but that's pretty cool too."  
  
Ellie smiled, feeling herself blush. She lowered her head, so her hair would cover her face.  
  
"Well, anyway," Craig said nervously. Ellie looked up, and he seemed to be blushing too. "I had a lot of fun yesterday afternoon."  
  
They looked at one another for a minute, both uncomfortable and unsure what to say. Craig opened and closed his mouth a few times without saying anything, and his lunch tray seemed to shake.  
  
"I mean, Angie had a great time," he said finally. "And I just wanted to say thanks and all. She couldn't stop talking about how much fun she had and how terrific you were when we got home. Contrary to public opinion, six year olds are not that easy to win over, so it's a pretty serious compliment."  
  
"Well, I'm definitely flattered," Ellie said, smiling. "Angie's really cute. I'd forgotten how much fun everything can be when you're that little."  
  
Craig nodded. "I feel that way a lot when I'm with her."  
  
Again, silence overcame them, and they just looked at one another awkwardly. Craig shifted the tray in his hands, and Ellie fiddled with her notebook. A couple of tables in front of them, a girl dropped her lunch tray, and macaroni and cheese splattered to the floor. Craig and Ellie watched for a moment, before looking at one another again.  
  
This couldn't be any more awkward, Ellie thought.  
  
"Ash is meeting me here," she said finally. "You should probably go before she gets here."  
  
He frowned, but nodded in understanding. Ellie watched him turn to go, and something crazy overtook her. She found herself calling after him.  
  
"Craig!" Her voice sounded so loud to her own ears, and she looked around to see if other people were listening. Craig turned and looked at her, clearly confused. "I had a lot of fun too."  
  
He smiled then, looking goofy but cute, and nodded again. Still, Ellie felt like an idiot. What on earth had compelled her to tell him that? She wished that there was some way to rewind time, and take it back. But Craig turned and left, and the moment was over.  
  
Now if she could just pretend the whole thing never happened...  
  
"What the hell was that about?"  
  
Ash slammed her tray down on the table. She looked so angry that she could breathe fire.  
  
"How much did you hear?" Ellie asked, feeling exposed and almost sleazy.  
  
"Nothing," Ashley said. She sat down across from Ellie, seeming very tense. "I just saw that loser talking to you. What could he possibly have to say to you?"  
  
Ellie didn't know what to say. It would be so easy to make up a story about what they'd been talking about, to say that Craig had tried to start a conversation with her and she'd just turned him away without a second thought. But she couldn't lie. Especially not to Ash. The truth was always best, no matter how uncomfortable it might be – she'd learned that much from Marco.  
  
"I ran into him and his sister in the park yesterday," she told Ashley. "He was just telling me that she thought I was pretty cool."  
  
Ashley's eyes went wide, and her mouth fell open unattractively. She looked absolutely disgusted.  
  
"So now he's using Angie to pick up girls?" she asked, outraged. "He is officially the lowest of the low."  
  
"I don't think that's what he was doing, Ash. They were there playing around, and I ran into them, completely by accident. I don't think Craig planned it or anything."  
  
"Yeah, just like he didn't plan to screw around with Manny, right?" Ash pushed the salad around on her plate with a fork. "He is so unbelievably pathetic."  
  
Ellie nodded, but felt uncomfortable. She had told Ashley nothing but the truth, and yet she still felt like she was lying somehow.  
  
"Well, at least you don't have to worry," Ashley said. "I mean, you're too smart to fall for any of Craig Manning's sleazy tricks."  
  
Ellie nodded again, but didn't look at Ashley.  
  
"And Sean would kick his ass if he even looked at you the wrong way," Ash mused. "Hmm, that might be some fun. Think we could talk Sean into doing it anyway?"  
  
She smiled devilishly, and started to eat her food enthusiastically.  
  
Ellie watched Ash, but couldn't bring herself to eat her own food. She knew Craig was the world's biggest jerk. She'd seen firsthand the kind of damage and heartbreak that he'd inflicted on Ash, and rumor had it that Manny had been just as devastated. It had been Ellie who encouraged Ashley in those first few weeks, telling her that Craig should never, ever be forgiven, that torturing him should be Ash's mission for the immediate future.  
  
None of that had changed just because she'd run around a park with him and his little sister.  
  
Had it?  
  
Ellie looked down at her notebook where she'd sketched the burning car. She wished that she had a red pen so that she could color in all the flames.  
  
- x -  
  
Emma opened her locker with a hard yank, and looked for her English book. She'd been out of sorts all day, but now she was finally starting to feel better. She'd finally gotten the courage to talk to Sean about the night before, and now that she'd thanked him, Emma felt like she could get all the feelings that it had stirred up out of her system. She'd spoken to him and gotten closure, and now she could just move forward.  
  
So what if she was still thinking about Sean while she looked for her copy of _Animal Farm_? She'd stop thinking about him eventually, she told herself. She had to.  
  
Finally, Emma found the book in question and got ready to head to the library. She was supposed to have read the first forty pages for class today, but she'd been too distracted last night to get past the first page. She closed her locker door, and turned to head down the hallway.  
  
Something stopped her in her tracks.  
  
Manny stood just across the hall at her own locker, smirking like she knew some awful, dirty secret that Emma was trying to keep hidden. Emma planned to ignore her, but Manny stepped directly in front of her, and shook her head.  
  
"You're really something, Em," she said, and there was no mistaking the bitterness in her voice. "You pretend you're so perfect and better than everyone else, but really you're just a big phoney."  
  
Emma sighed. "What are you talking about, Manny?"  
  
"You and Sean.. All over each other in the cafeteria."  
  
"You're crazy, Manny. Seriously crazy."  
  
Emma started to walk away, but Manny trailed after her.  
  
"I know you know that Sean has a girlfriend, Em. And you've got a boyfriend for that matter, right? I know you'd never do anything as terrible as going after someone else's boyfriend."  
  
Emma told herself that this was just Manny trying to get a rise out of her, that there wasn't anything else behind it. She didn't even want to consider the possibility that there was any truth in what Manny was saying.  
  
If she felt anything for Sean these days, Emma reassured herself, it was just because she was so grateful that someone finally understood what she was feeling. Her history with him didn't matter. Her old feelings for him weren't part of it. They couldn't be. She was just in awe that Sean could actually relate to what she was going through – that's what was stirring up her feelings. Nothing more.  
  
It sounded plausible anyway.  
  
Regardless, there was no reason on earth why Emma should explain herself to Manny. After the mess she'd made of things for herself, Manny was in no place to judge anyone.  
  
"Here's some advice, Manny," Emma said finally. "Take care of your own life, and leave everyone else's alone."  
  
"Coming from you, that's almost laughable, Em. You butt into everyone's business like you've got all the right in the world. I'm just returning the favor."  
  
Emma stopped, and looked Manny in the eye. She almost couldn't believe that they had once been best friends. It seemed like another lifetime.  
  
"Well, gee, thanks, Manny."  
  
"No need to get all bent out of shape. So you and Sean are in one of your 'We're star-crossed lovers' phases. So what if Ellie and Chris are in the way? Who cares, right? Because soon enough you and Sean will hate each other's guts again and there will be plenty of room for them to get back into the picture."  
  
Emma couldn't believe the bitterness and cruelty in Manny's voice. It was almost like listening to a stranger, not someone she'd known since kindergarten. Yet, deep down inside, part of Emma felt like she almost deserved this. She could still hear her own words, echoing cruelly in her head – "I don't want to be friends with the school slut." It didn't get much worse than that, though Manny was certainly trying.  
  
All Emma knew was that she couldn't take much more of this.  
  
Manny laughed then, shaking her head. She smiled up at Emma brightly, like someone had told her a really good joke.  
  
"You know, you and Sean are harder to follow that a soap opera. On again, off again, on again, off... You guys put the 'fun' in dysfunction."  
  
She looked so incredibly pleased with herself, putting her hands on her hips and cocking her head. Emma had had enough. She pushed past Manny and headed for the library again.  
  
"Sorry, Em," Manny called after her. "I didn't mean to hit a nerve!"  
  
Emma walked faster, but as she turned the corner, she could still hear Manny laughing.  
  
Just as Emma thought she'd be able to get Sean out of her head, Manny had to go and throw him in her face again. That's what bothered her so much, she told herself. Not that there might be anything to what Manny had said.  
  
I'm not going after Sean, Emma told herself. I'm not trying to steal him away from Ellie. I'm just trying to feel something again, so my life doesn't feel like it's over – just like Sean said. He helped me out last night, that's all.  
  
No big deal.  
  
As she walked to the library, Emma kept repeating this to herself. If she said it enough times, she might actually start to believe it.


	7. Do You Sleep?

Disclaimer – I don't own any of these characters.  
  
- x –  
  
Sometimes help really does come when you need it most, Ellie thought.  
  
The day had been so incredibly long, and she'd felt anxious for most of it. She was worried about Sean, and she felt guilty about Craig for some unknown reason, and she felt like she'd somehow let Ashley down. All in all, it had not made for a good day. Ellie had been hoping for something, anything, to distract her.  
  
Caitlin had granted her wish.  
  
She'd phoned just as school was ending to ask Ellie if she could come in for a few hours; they were behind in editing a story on greenhouse effect and changes in climate that was supposed to air tomorrow, and they need Ellie to come in and do some fact checking. It wasn't her usual time, but, Caitlin had said, they'd be forever grateful if Ellie could squeeze it into her schedule.  
  
Of course she could. Ellie jumped at the chance because it meant a few hours when she wouldn't have to think about everything that had happened today. At her locker, she was in such a good mood as she gathered her books that she was actually humming a tune. It was crazy.  
  
When she closed her locker door, Sean stood beside her, leaning back against an empty locker and smiling adorably. There was something in his eyes though that made her think all wasn't right with him, though – he looked almost lost. But he tugged on one of her braids playfully, like a bratty little kid.  
  
It seemed like a long time since he'd been this way with her, and she was happy to see him like this again. Still it felt strange, like he was forcing himself to act a certain way, not to please Ellie, but because he was afraid of something. It was the oddest feeling, but she couldn't seem to shake it.  
  
"I've got a great idea," Sean said, all flirty. "Wanna hear it?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
"We get out of here right away, and you come home with me. You know, for some quality, one-on-one time..."  
  
He reached out, and held her by the waist, pulling her close. She couldn't help but giggle, blushing in the middle of the hallway.  
  
"That is a great idea," she told him. "But I'm gonna have to take a rain check."  
  
Instantly, Sean's face fell, and he looked almost panicked.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Caitlin needs me to come in and work on a project. It was a last minute thing. She just called about five minutes ago."  
  
He nodded, but turned to stare off into space.  
  
"Are you mad? I mean, it's not like we had plans or anything..."  
  
She didn't know why she felt the need to reassure him. It must have had something to do with the fact that Sean was acting so strangely lately, and that he refused to tell her why. She normally wouldn't be so desperate to please him.  
  
"I'm not mad," he said softly. "I just thought it would be nice."  
  
He stood up straight, and stuffed his hands in his pockets. Once again, he seemed distant and moody. Ellie reached out and patted his arm. He offered her a weak smile, but seemed a million miles away.  
  
"Are you okay?" she asked. "I can call Caitlin and tell I can't come in if you want to talk about –"  
  
"Don't worry about it," Sean said quickly. "I'm fine. I just wanted to spend some time with you. We'll do it another time. No big deal."  
  
He smiled a bit wider this time, though Ellie still wasn't entirely convinced. She found herself nodding, and kissing him back when he leaned in to kiss her.  
  
"Have fun with Caitlin," he said as he pulled away.  
  
Without another word, Sean disappeared into the crowded hallway.  
  
It wasn't a big deal; Ellie knew that. Yet she felt like she'd let him down or failed some kind of test. When she spotted Craig at the other end of the hallway and he waved at her, Ellie felt even worse. She ignored him, and slammed her locker shut.  
  
After she finished with Caitlin, Ellie knew that she had to figure all of this out. Somehow, in the span of a week, her life had become an even bigger, more confusing mess than usual.  
  
There had to be a way to fix it.  
  
- x-  
  
You've got to be grateful for the little things in life, Emma thought, as she washed the dishes from dinner. If not, you'll miss the big picture. This was especially true when it came to her family.  
  
For the first time in a long while, Snake had sat to eat with Emma and her mom, and it was almost like the old days, when everything was fine and they were all relatively happy.  
  
Well, it was almost like the old days if she ignored the fact that Snake had lost all his hair and could only stomach five or six spoonfuls of chicken soup in one sitting, that her mom seemed to have permanent dark circles under her eyes from all the nights of lost sleep, and that Emma herself felt like a stranger in her own life.  
  
Ignore all that, and it's exactly like old times.  
  
But of course, that was easier said than done. Especially since all Emma could notice was the way things were changing these days.  
  
While she cleaned off the table, she couldn't help thinking about what Manny had said to her earlier. It echoed inside her head like lyrics from a bad song that she wished she could forget. This had been a problem all evening, so much so that even her mother, with all of her own problems and tragedies to deal with, had noticed.  
  
"Is something bothering you, Em?" she'd asked, with Jack propped up against her shoulder.  
  
In the past, Emma would always confide in her mother, particularly when it came to especially confusing issues like her feelings for Sean Cameron. In the past, she would have told her mother everything, how she'd felt when Sean talked to her in the hallway, how she felt when they ran into each other in the park, how she was worried that Manny might be picking up on something that Emma had been trying to ignore about herself with all her might. She would have told her mother all of it, no matter how ugly or embarrassing it might have been.  
  
Now, though, it seemed so petty to be worrying over Sean when Snake was so sick and their family was strained to the breaking point. She couldn't burden her mother with such silly, insignificant problems. So she'd just shook her head after her mom asked, and told her, "Nothing. I'm just thinking about a book I'm reading for English."  
  
Her mother had accepted that, which Emma knew she never would have done in the past, and went back to fixing dinner. That had only convinced Emma that her problems were hardly worth talking about.  
  
She'd finally finished cleaning the kitchen when her mother came down stairs, and practically collapsed into a chair at the table.  
  
"Jack is finally asleep," her mother sighed. "And Snake is resting too."  
  
She rubbed at her temples, like she had a headache, and closed her eyes.  
  
"It's funny but I don't remember it being this hard with you. Which is crazy because I was sixteen and didn't know anything about being a mother."  
  
"Well, you've got a lot of other stuff to deal with now, Mom. That makes it a lot harder," Emma said. "A whole lot harder."  
  
Her mother nodded. "I hope I'm doing right by Jack. By you too. It's just so tough..."  
  
Emma sat down beside her mother, and tried to think of something comforting to say. Nothing came to her. She felt like a complete failure. And she hated herself for spending a single minute today feeling sorry for herself after what had happened with Manny.  
  
"You know, before I had you, I was like any other teenager," her mother said. "Everyday something would happen that seemed like life or death. All the little things like if this guy liked me or if this girl had really said some terrible thing about me. It was all so unbelievably important."  
  
Emma nodded. She knew what was coming and wanted to get up and leave the room before her mother finished. But she knew that she couldn't. She had to listen to what her mother had to say because she knew that it was true.  
  
"Then I had you, and I realized how stupid all of that stuff was. None of it really matters at all." Her mother sighed. "I think I needed to be reminded of that. And Snake being sick has certainly done that."  
  
There was nothing that Emma could say. She played with a loose thread at the end of the placemat in front of her.  
  
"If you can learn this lesson now, Emma, you'll be way ahead of the game," her mother said softly. "The only thing that really matters in life is taking care of the people that you love, being there when they need you. The rest of it... it all sort of falls away."  
  
The words hit Emma hard, and felt something like tears burning in her eyes. Her mother sighed again, and patted Emma's hand. She looked so old to Emma all of sudden, like the past few months had actually been like years for her.  
  
"You look exhausted, Mom. You should go get some rest too."  
  
Her mother nodded. "You'll lock up, Em?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
Her mother stood slowly, running her hand over Emma's head. She moved toward the doorway, but just as she passed through, she turned and looked at Emma again.  
  
"You be sure to get some sleep too, okay?" she said, in the motherly tone that Emma knew so well.  
  
Emma nodded, and her mother disappeared into the empty living room.  
  
Alone, Emma sat quietly at the table, and tried to gather her thoughts. They seemed to be racing a million miles a minute inside her head. She gave up finally, and went through the house, locking doors and turning off lights.  
  
When the house was dark, Emma went down the basement steps to her room. She didn't think she'd be able to sleep, but she had to at least try. She'd promised her mother after all.  
  
You have to take care of the people you love, Emma thought, as she changed into her pajamas. None of the rest really matters.  
  
- x –  
  
Even considering all the crazy, stupid stuff he'd done recently with Jay and the guys, Sean hadn't been this scared in a long time. It made him feel like an idiot, but he couldn't stop his hand from shaking slightly as he raised it to tap against the window.  
  
Just do it, he told himself. Don't be such a damn loser.  
  
Finally he rapped his hand against the glass, and waited.  
  
He could still see lights on inside, so he figured it wasn't too late, but he still couldn't even begin to imagine what sort of reaction he'd get. In the fifteen or so seconds that it took for the window to be opened, Sean felt like he'd waited a year.  
  
But when the window was pushed out toward him, and Emma appeared in the open space, it seemed worth it.  
  
"Sean?" she said, clearly surprised and a bit confused. She seemed to think for a moment, then held the window open for him to grab hold of. "Come on in."  
  
As he climbed through the window, he worried for a minute that he was making a big mistake, but he brushed it aside because he couldn't bring himself to turn around and go home.  
  
When he got inside, Emma stood before him, looking a bit worried herself. She was wearing pajama bottoms again, this time with tiny green turtles all over them, and a black tank top. Her hair was slightly messy, like she'd been lying in bed before he'd knocked on her window.  
  
She tilted her head, like she was examining Sean closely for clues as to why he was here.  
  
"I didn't wake you, did I?" he asked, feeling embarrassed.  
  
"No," she said quickly. "I was trying to fall asleep but no luck."  
  
He nodded, and followed her into the main part of the room. The sheets on her bed were a mess, like she'd been tossing and turning for a while. Emma sat down on the corner of the bed, pulling her legs up under her, and looked at him intensely.  
  
"Is something wrong?" she asked quietly.  
  
He could tell that she was trying hard not to push, or at least, make him feel like she was pushing, but that she was worried about him. That made him smile for some reason.  
  
"I just had a crappy day. No big deal or anything but I ..."  
  
Sean stopped because he didn't know why he was here. He'd felt on edge all day, even before Emma had talked to him in the cafeteria, before he'd blown off Jay, before Ellie had had to turn him down because of work. It was a sort of desperate move to reach out to Ellie anyway; he'd felt himself teetering on the brink of something all week and he'd thought that she'd take his mind off it. Everything felt so easy with Ellie, like he didn't have to think about any of the crap that was guaranteed to put him in a bad mood. He didn't have to feel any of the crap that got him so confused. He could just be.  
  
When she'd had to go do some work for Caitlin, Sean had gone home alone. He'd sat there as long as he could, trying not to think but finding it impossible. Finally, he'd left to go for a walk. This time, though, he wasn't planning on wandering around without knowing where he was going. In fact, he knew exactly where he was headed.  
  
For Emma's.  
  
It crossed his mind as he headed there that maybe that's where he wanted to be all along, that he'd asked Ellie to come over because he knew he shouldn't see Emma, that he didn't have a right, that it was unfair to everyone involved. Maybe it was really Emma that he wanted to take the edge off for him.  
  
It made him feel like a jerk to even think it, but maybe it was time that he got honest with himself. Even if he couldn't be honest with anyone else.  
  
"I know the feeling," Emma said, pulling him out of his thoughts. She seemed to realize that he was following her. "About having a long day. This week has felt like it's lasted a year."  
  
He nodded, looking down at his shoes. It was the strangest thing, but even though he felt uncomfortable and unsure of himself, there was something about being here with Emma that he couldn't get from anything else. Good or bad, she always seemed to make him feel something, so when he was with her, the deadness inside went away. He didn't really understand it, but he felt it every time.  
  
"You can sit down if you want," she told him.  
  
She nodded toward the other side of the bed, and Sean moved to sit opposite her. He sat down gingerly, like he was afraid to disturb any of Emma's things. It felt weird, like the two of them were strangers, starting all over from scratch.  
  
"So you're still having trouble sleeping?" he asked.  
  
"Yeah. It's weird, though, because I'm so tired." She turned so she faced him fully. "But every time I get in bed, nothing happens. I just lie here and stare up at the ceiling."  
  
"Been there," he told her.  
  
They smiled at one another, and for a moment, Sean felt like it was old times. Silence fell over them, though, and he wished that he had something to say to her, something meaningful and impressive. Nothing came to him. Emma hugged one of her pillows to her chest, and sighed. There had to be something he could tell her...  
  
All of a sudden, she sprang off the bed.  
  
"Check this out," she called across the room as she flipped off the lights.  
  
Above their heads, the ceiling was full of glow-in-the-dark stars, all bright yellow-green. They were in crazy, swirled patterns, and they seemed to light the room even though they were so small.  
  
"That is really cool," Sean said, laughing.  
  
"I was going to do all the major constellations, but it was just too much work. I settled for this."  
  
Emma's voice was closer, and he realized she was back on the bed with him. He turned to look at her, and she was lying down, stretched out like she was ready to fall asleep. The room was dark, but he could still see the dreamy look on her face as she stared up at the stars.  
  
He didn't know what possessed him, but he laid down next to her, tentatively placing his head on the pillow opposite hers. He pulled off his ski cap, and sneaked a peek over at her. She was watching him, and there were green and yellow shadows on her face. He couldn't get over how pretty she looked.  
  
"I like you better like this," she whispered, reaching over to gently touch his hair. "You seem more like yourself or something."  
  
Sean smiled, feeling strangely pleased.  
  
"I like you better like this too," he whispered back, running a hand over her messy hair. "It makes you seem more like yourself."  
  
Emma smiled too, then turned to look at the stars again. He did the same, and for a long while, they just laid there in silence, looking up at the glowing stars.  
  
Finally, when he looked back at her, her eyes were closed, and from the way she was breathing, he could tell that she'd fallen asleep. I should go now, Sean thought to himself, as he watched her sleep. But he didn't get up. Instead, he kicked off his shoes, hearing them clomp to the floor, and closed his own eyes.  
  
As he fell asleep, Sean could still see those greenish stars, glowing into the darkness.

a/n – Again, big thanks to everyone who's following the story. For those who are interested, I'll be on vacation for the next couple of weeks (woo hoo!) so there won't be any updates for a while. But I promise that the story will be finished – I've got most of it outlined in my head anyway, so it's just the actual writing part that's got to get done. :) I hope you all hang in there with me. The story is about to get really, really juicy...


	8. Light of Day

Disclaimer – I still do not own any of these characters.

a/n – Sorry that it's been so long between updates but I hope it's worth the wait for everyone who's reading along. And as always, I want to say thanks to those who have stuck with the story and has been nice enough to leave reviews. And to anyone who's interested, please feel free to e-mail me. I'd love to hear from you guys...  
  
- x –  
  
As soon as the alarm went off and intruded into the fuzzy world of her dreams, Emma knew that something was wrong.  
  
Well, maybe not wrong exactly, but something was definitely different.  
  
She could sense it, even though her vision wasn't all that clear when she first opened her eyes and reached to slam the alarm off. Her bed was the same as it always was, with its blue plaid sheets and green comforter, and she could hear water running in the kitchen above her, the usual morning sounds that always filled the house. Her eyes might be blurry, but the bright red digital numbers on the clock read 7 AM, just as they did every school morning.  
  
It was all very normal, very boring.  
  
Yet, as Emma yawned and rubbed at her eyes, she could tell that something was different today, that everything was not as normal as it appeared. She could feel it all through her body, like a fever or an electric shock.  
  
Still, when she turned over and found herself face to face with Sean, who was yawning and scratching at his head, looking sleepy and adorable, Emma wasn't prepared. She had to bite her tongue to keep herself from screaming.  
  
Now, this was definitely not normal, waking up beside Sean in her pajamas. But then again, so much in her life these days was not normal, so maybe she should have expected this.  
  
She could remember being surprised when he showed up at her window last night. She could remember being nervous -- and excited -- when she invited him in. She could remember flipping off the lights to show him her glow-in- the dark stars, how her room had seemed like another world then. She could even remember lying beside him in her bed, looking into his eyes, touching his hair, and feeling like her heart would never stop beating so fast.  
  
Emma could remember all of that, no problem.  
  
But somehow, she couldn't quite figure out how they'd wound up under the covers together, dreaming next to one another like they did it every night.  
  
Sean smiled at her shyly, and rubbed at his eyes.  
  
"Guess we fell asleep," he said, still sounding out of it.  
  
He rubbed at his eyes harder, and finally seemed to realize where he was. Emma watched as he sprang up in bed, and looked around the room wildly.  
  
"I'm sorry, Emma. I didn't mean ... I didn't want to –"  
  
"It's okay," she said quietly. "It's not big deal. It's not like... You know, nothing happened or anything..."  
  
God, even she thought that she sounded lame. Fortunately Sean seemed too embarrassed himself to notice that Emma was babbling like an idiot. He moved to the end of the bed, and bent down to put his shoes on. His t- shirt was all wrinkled, and his hair was a mess. But despite the strangeness of the situation, she couldn't remember him ever looking so good.  
  
"I should get outta here," Sean said, turning to look at her over his shoulder. "Before your parents come down ... or whatever."  
  
Emma nodded. "Yeah. Yes. You should."  
  
Apparently, she couldn't stop herself from talking stupidly as she sat there, so she stood up and forced herself to get ready for school.  
  
Don't panic, she told herself again and again. Nothing had happened. Nothing would happen.  
  
When she finished picking out clothes from her dresser, Emma turned to find Sean watching her. His ski cap was back in place, and he looked almost guilty, avoiding her eyes.  
  
"Like I said, Emma, I didn't mean to, you know, make you uncomfortable or anything. I didn't do this on purpose."  
  
She nodded again, knowing that he was telling the truth. It hadn't been planned or even hoped for. It had just happened. Like their meeting in the park. There was no logical explanation for why they kept being drawn together. Everything that had held them together in the past was gone, over. It was all ancient history.  
  
Wasn't it?  
  
Just like the night before, Emma's heart pounded wildly in her chest. She forced herself to ignore it, taking a deep breath.  
  
"And like I said, it's not a big deal," she told Sean.  
  
They looked at one another, neither believing that. She started to twist the t-shirt that she planned to wear today into a tight spiral. Sean looked down at the floor, kicking the tip of his shoe against the faded tiles.  
  
It hit her then that if she had that moment last night to live over again, if she could have planned the whole thing, she would have. She was seriously losing her mind.  
  
"You know, if you really think about it," Emma started to say, not really understanding where the words were coming from. "It was almost a good thing."  
  
Sean looked up, stunned.  
  
"I mean, neither of us has been sleeping well lately, and at least we got a good night's sleep for once."  
  
She felt so incredibly stupid, and wished that she could just crawl into bed and pull the covers over head. Maybe Sean would be gone by the time she dragged herself out. But he smiled then, almost like he was flirting. He took a step toward her, though there was still a safe distance between them.  
  
"What?" he asked. "I'm your cure for insomnia or something?"  
  
She smiled despite her embarrassment.  
  
"Maybe." She tossed a pillow at him playfully. "But apparently I'm yours too."  
  
He nodded, still smiling. "Can't argue with what works."  
  
Above them, the floor creaked, and kitchen cabinets opened and closed. The door to the basement opened, and Emma could hear Jack crying, the sound of the microwave going.  
  
"Em! Are you up yet?" her mother called. "You're gonna be late, honey."  
  
Emma ran to the foot of the stairs frantically.  
  
"I'm up, Mom," she yelled back, afraid her mother would come down and find Sean there with her, see her messy bed where two people had clearly slept. Her mother would totally get the wrong idea, would blow the whole thing out of proportion. (Nothing had happened, Emma kept telling herself. _Nothing._) "I'm up! I'm up!"  
  
When she turned back, Sean had moved over the window, clearly worried himself.  
  
"I really gotta get out of here," he whispered.  
  
She nodded, watching as he climbed up on the crates to reach the window. Just as he was about to go through, though, Sean turned back and looked at Emma.  
  
"You usually keep this thing open?" he asked. He tapped his fist against the window frame.  
  
He looked a bit nervous, almost vulnerable, like she had to power to blow him to pieces with the wrong words or expression.  
  
"Most of the time," she said, trying to pretend that she didn't know why he was asking, that it was just an innocent question. Her stomach did that annoying flip-flop thing that it often seemed to do with Sean around.  
  
He nodded, biting his lip. "Good to know."  
  
When he disappeared through the window without saying another word, Emma tried not to feel disappointed. Finally alone, she still couldn't seem to process what had happened. It almost made her dizzy to even try.  
  
And even though she was going to be late, even though she still had to shower and get dressed and eat breakfast, Emma threw herself down in her bed and buried her face in her pillow, trying to block out the world. It only made matters worse, though, because she thought that she could smell the soap that Sean used on it, all over her sheets actually.  
  
When her mother called down to her again, she finally dragged herself out of bed, and repeated her mantra for the day.  
  
Nothing happened. _Nothing_ at all happened.  
  
- x –  
  
As far as substitutes went, Craig thought, Mr. Gursky really wasn't too bad.  
  
He seemed to accept that he wasn't really their teacher, and didn't try to pretend that he was by being a total tight-ass. He was laidback, just following the lesson plan that Simpson had left without trying to teach what he didn't really understand.  
  
After all, when he'd shown up in the MI lab the first day, he'd told them, "What I know about computers and the media wouldn't fill a paper cup. You guys are going to have to teach me."  
  
Craig could respect that.  
  
Right now, Gursky was pretty much letting them do independent study, working on the research projects that Simpson had assigned before he'd gone out sick. Craig watched Gursky at his desk, where he was reading one of Simpson's books on HTML. The guy was certainly trying, Craig thought.  
  
Suddenly, Gursky dropped the book, and rubbed at his chin, looking lost in thought.  
  
"Hey guys, listen up," he said, moving to lean against the front of the desk. "I was just thinking... I know you guys are working on individual projects but some of you are working on similar topics. It might be a good idea to get together and compare research. You guys could save time that way, and learn to work cooperatively as well."  
  
Like a car crash that he could see coming but just couldn't find a way to avoid, Craig saw the danger signs immediately. He buried his face in his hands, but Gursky was already reading the overlapping projects off Simpson's list.  
  
"Paige, Hazel, and Terri are all working on fashion related topics. Maybe you can help each other out. Gavin and Jimmy are both researching the sports media... you guys might want to have a little chat." Gursky looked up, smiling. "Oh, and my personal favorite ... it's what I would have done my project on ... Craig, Ellie, and Ashley are all working on music related topics. Rock on, guys."  
  
Craig would have rolled his eyes – one more old guy trying to be hip – if his entire life wasn't flashing in front of his eyes. Ashley was going to kill him; he was sure of it.  
  
"Why don't you take the rest of the period to compare notes," Gursky said. "See if you've got any problems that you can help each other out with."  
  
When Craig glanced over his shoulder to where Ellie and Ashley sat, he saw that the seat next to Ellie was empty. He let out a deep breath. Ellie looked a little bored, as if she were ready to fall asleep, but that he could deal with. Ash and all her rage -- that was another story.  
  
Maybe he wasn't totally cursed.  
  
"She's out sick today," Ellie said, as if reading his mind. "Though I can bet that if Ash was here, she'd be feeling pretty sick right now anyway."  
  
"Hey, it's not my fault," Craig said defensively. "It's Gursky's idea, not mine."  
  
Ellie shrugged, seeming rather indifferent to the whole thing. She leaned her head against her hand, and sighed. The way that she was looking at him made Craig feel like he was nothing, less than nothing, like she was staring into empty air.  
  
It was just yesterday that he'd felt like he was making some progress with her, as if she might actually be starting to tolerate his presence in the world. She'd been so good with Angie in the park, and it seemed like she'd had fun... with him. She'd actually had a good time with him. Didn't that count for something, he asked himself. Hadn't he shown her that he was the lowest form of life on the planet?  
  
Now it seemed like he was back at square one, but he couldn't figure out what he'd done wrong in the past twenty-four hours.  
  
"So do you want to at least try to help each other out?" Ellie asked. She tapped her pen against the table, waiting.  
  
That was better than nothing, Craig thought. At least they weren't back on at the stage where Ellie couldn't stand looking at him.  
  
He nodded, and moved into Ashley's empty seat.  
  
"What're you working on?" Ellie asked. She wasn't looking at him, staring at her computer screen as if it contained all the secrets of the universe. With her eyes lined in black, they looked so big and  
  
She really was pretty; he didn't know why he hadn't noticed that before.  
  
"I'm going old school," he told her. "A Dylan retrospective kind of thing."  
  
Ellie actually turned to look at him, and smiled. She didn't say anything but Craig was encouraged. He babbled on.  
  
"I mean, it may not be the most obvious choice, but in my humble opinion, one of the greatest albums of all time is ... "  
  
To Craig's surprise, Ellie spoke at the same time as him, both of them saying, "'Blood on the Tracks.'"  
  
For a moment, they just looked at one another, almost surprised. Then, they broke into laughter.  
  
"Since you like it so much, I won't tell you that Ash spent about three weeks with 'Idiot Wind' on repeat after you guys broke up. Wouldn't want to ruin the song for you or anything..."  
  
She smiled coyly, clearly teasing him.  
  
"I couldn't blame her if she did," he said. "It is the best breakup song ever written. 'Go Your Own Way' coming in a close second.'"  
  
Ellie nodded. "I can't argue with that."  
  
They smiled at one another, amused. They both seemed to realize then that they were in a crowded classroom. Paige looked at them over her shoulder for a minute, and Jimmy and Spinner were watching them, clearly amused. Ellie seemed to close up again, frowning and absently flipping through her notebook.  
  
"So are you having any problems with the project?" she asked, all-business. "I mean, that's what we're here for, right?"  
  
Craig nodded.  
  
"I've got Dylan's bio covered," he told her. "But I wanted to get some clips from a couple of songs. Not the obvious stuff, though. Something not as played out. I haven't had any real luck."  
  
Ellie smiled again then, pleased. Craig wished that he knew what he'd done to get that response from her. It almost felt like a gift.  
  
"You are in luck," she said, opening up her web browser and typing quickly.  
  
Craig didn't look at the screen as Ellie worked; instead he watched her. There was a kind of quiet confidence about her that other people didn't seem to have. He'd heard the rumors around school about her, how she'd gone through a rough time and tied to cope by hurting herself, but Ellie was one of the few people he knew who seemed comfortable with who she was. She didn't care if the rest of the school accepted it or not. Ellie Nash simply was who she was.  
  
He was in awe of that. Craig always seemed to be worried about what other people thought. This whole thing with Ellie was the prime example. If he didn't care so much what the girls at Degrassi thought of him, if they liked him or not, he wouldn't even be trying to win Ellie over. Right?  
  
That was what he thought when the whole thing started anyway. Now, Craig wasn't quite so sure.  
  
"Here." Ellie handed him the headphones connected to her computer. "Listen to this."  
  
He put the headphones on, and concentrated. When he realized what he was listening to, Craig smiled.  
  
"'Love Minus Zero/No Limit," he said, almost amazed. "A live version. This is ... incredible."  
  
Ellie smiled. "It's one of my favorites."  
  
Craig listened for a minute longer, taking the song in. When he realized that Ellie was watching him carefully, trying to follow the song based only on his reaction, he took off the headphones, and held them between their seats.  
  
"Listen with me," he said.  
  
She looked at him closely, almost as if she was searching him for any sign of danger. She must not have found any because she nodded, and moved slightly closer to Craig.  
  
They both leaned in then, their heads almost touching, and listened to the song together. If he didn't know any better, Craig would have thought that his heart was beating double time in his chest. But that was obviously crazy.  
  
He was only listening to a song. With Ellie. Why would that make him nervous?  
  
Gursky passed by, checking up on everyone's progress.  
  
"Good tunes?" he asked, sounding like he was hundred years old, not thirty.  
  
Ellie looked at Craig, rolling her eyes. He couldn't stop himself from laughing.  
  
With the blue glare from the computer screen on her face, Ellie laughed too, and to Craig, it sounded even better than Dylan and his rapsy voice.  
  
- x –  
  
All day long, Emma's hands seemed to be shaking, as if she was fighting off some kind of excitement or nervousness that couldn't be controlled. She felt a wildness inside herself, something that was trying to get out despite her efforts to contain it. Now, as she tried to open her locker, her fingers kept slipping off the lock.  
  
It was really starting to drive her insane.  
  
Before Emma could try one more time, someone reached over her shoulder and covered her eyes with a warm hand. For a moment the craziness inside her almost made sense, in some bizarre, twisted way. She wished that she could stop time, and just live in that one moment forever.  
  
"Guess who?" the person asked. As soon as she heard the voice, the excitement inside her seemed to change to something else. Fear.  
  
She just hoped that Chris wouldn't be able to tell.  
  
Emma pulled his hand away slowly, and turned to smile up at him.  
  
"Hey you," she said.  
  
He leaned in to kiss her cheek, but Emma turned her head so their lips met.  
  
She wanted to believe that if she threw herself in this moment with Chris that the wildness and fear would just fade away. She wanted to feel something with him now, something to remind her that whatever had happened (_hadn't _happened, she corrected herself) between her and Sean last night wasn't real, didn't mean anything, that it wasn't right, not like her relationship with Chris.  
  
"Somebody's in a good mood," Chris said, as they pulled apart.  
  
Emma lowered her head, feeling herself blush.  
  
"For the first time in a long while, I don't feel totally exhausted. That's reason to celebrate, I think."  
  
"Well, a good night's sleep will do that for ya."  
  
Emma's head snapped up, searching Chris' eyes for some kind of hidden meaning. There was no way that he could possibly know, she thought frantically. There was no way anyone could know. She wasn't about to go around confessing, and she knew that Sean never would.

But nothing had happened anyway. _Nothing_ had happened at all.  
  
When she saw that Chris was smiling down at her kindly, she knew that he was only making small talk, simple, harmless conversation. Relief flooded her, and she nodded, smiling.  
  
"I did get a solid eight hours last night," she said, trying to act normal. Trying to act like his girlfriend.  
  
Chris leaned in closer to her, shaking his head. "You look amazin'," he whispered. "All this sleep must be agreein' with you."  
  
She smiled despite the guilt that she felt. Block all the rest of it out, she told herself. Just focus on Chris. He deserves that much at least.  
  
And her efforts must have made an impact on him because Chris backed her up against her locker, hugging her to him tightly. Emma closed her eyes for a moment, and took a deep breath.  
  
All around them, she knew the hall was crowded with kids. When she opened her eyes, she could see JT and Toby over Chris' shoulder, watching them intently. JT made a kissy face at her, like a bratty little kid would. She was about to stick her tongue out at him, feeling as stupid and immature as JT but not really caring, but before she could react, Emma saw the crowds in the hallway seem to break apart, and Sean push his way through.  
  
With Ellie. Holding hands with Ellie.  
  
Like he should be, Emma told herself. They're a couple. Like Chris and I. That's the way things are supposed to be.  
  
Sean and I are nothing. Just nothing.  
  
Before he and Ellie disappeared down the hall, Sean looked over at Emma, giving her the same nervous expression that she knew must be on her face. He looked like he wanted to acknowledge her, give her some sign or message, but didn't know how. Emma could feel the wildness inside her again, burning to get out.  
  
Sean turned back to Ellie finally, smiling at her as they turned the corner.  
  
The hallway seemed emptier now, darker and quieter too. Emma closed her eyes again, and hugged Chris back even tighter.


	9. All The Right Reasons

Disclaimer – I will never, ever own these characters.  
  
a/n – As always, thanks to everyone who's reading the story and taking the time to review. You guys are the best readers that a fan fic writer could ask for. :) And extra special thanks to those who took the time to send e- mails. Hope you all like this latest installment.  
  
- x -  
  
If Emma was sure of anything these days, it was that nothing was ever the way it was supposed to be. That was the one thing she could count on.  
  
It was Saturday afternoon, so there were no boring classes to sit through, no complicated homework assignments to finish, no hallways jammed with tons of people to avoid, and still Emma felt like she was doing hard time in prison. The house, her home, which had always seemed like a haven to her, a warm safe place where her mother would be able to fix all her problems, just like when she was a little kid and her scraped knees would be kissed better and covered with band aids, had become dark and claustrophobic.  
  
Now it was just one more place where Emma felt like she couldn't really be herself. Things only seemed to be getting worse as the days went on, and she felt like she'd just given up, given in, because for the past two weeks, she felt like she was leading multiple lives, playing different roles just to make things easier for everyone.  
  
For everyone but herself really.  
  
There was her life here at home, where she had to face cancer and death on a daily basis, where she tried to will Snake better with the sheer force of her faith and prayers alone, where she worked hard to be a good daughter and big sister, where she forced herself to put all her personal concerns and problems on hold.  
  
Then there was her life at school, where she'd been forcing herself to be cheerful and enthusiastic, making everyone think that she was the most diligent student, the most conscientious environmentalist, the most devoted girlfriend. Every morning, she plastered a big smile on her face, and kept it there for as long as she could stomach it, as long as it didn't drive her insane. No one suspected anything (well, almost no one... there was one person had a pretty good idea what was going on with her). Chris seemed happier. JT, Toby, and Liberty seemed more comfortable being around her. She was the Emma that everyone expected her to be.  
  
And even though it all felt so fake to her, hollow and empty, Emma did it without complaining because it was the only thing that would lessen the guilt that she felt. Because ...  
  
Finally, there was her private life, where she was completely herself – good, bad, or ugly. This was her time spent with Sean.  
  
During the past couple of weeks, they'd seen each other almost every night. Sean would show up at her window, usually pretty late, and if he saw that her light was on and that she was alone, he'd let himself in. She hadn't told him, but she'd started sleeping with the lights on so that she wouldn't miss him.  
  
Sometimes, the anticipation of the night was the only thing that got Emma through the day.  
  
Some nights, they'd read or do homework, working independently but both sitting on Emma's bed, never far from one another. Other times, they'd talk, -- about how Snake was doing, how Tracker liked his new job and apartment, how Emma's mother was holding up, what a jerk Raditch was being about one thing or another.  
  
Most nights, though, they'd just lie in bed and look up at Emma's glow-in- the-dark stars. She'd put on music, soft stuff that Sean would tease her about but didn't seem to mind that much, and they wouldn't say a word to one another. In those moments, Emma felt like their hearts were beating in synch, like they were breathing in and out at the same time. It always soothed her, made her feel like things weren't as bad as they seemed.  
  
The first couple of times that he came over, Sean was careful to leave before it got too late. It was almost as if he was afraid of overstepping boundaries, of making Emma uncomfortable. More and more often now, though, he was spending the night, falling asleep beside her under the blankets, waking with her in the morning when the alarm went off and heading home to get ready for school. Somehow, her mother never caught them, probably too caught up in real problems to worry about Emma.  
  
Now it was almost normal, like a routine, as if it was something that she and Sean had done forever.  
  
But, as Emma reminded herself constantly, nothing had really happened between them. There were no kisses, no hand holding even, no cuddling or anything. Sometimes in the course of the night, they'd wind up so close to one another that Emma could feel Sean's breath on her face, but that was all.  
  
The other day, just as they were about to fall asleep, Sean had shifted in bed, and his arm had brushed against Emma's waist. He'd pulled it away immediately, almost like he'd been burned, but she'd still looked away, feeling like they'd committed a crime.  
  
"What are we doing?" Emma asked him.  
  
"I don't know," he'd whispered back, after a minute. "But this is the only time I can shut out all the crap in my life and just ... be."  
  
She'd nodded in the dark, knowing that he was speaking for her as well.  
  
Last night, he hadn't stayed over. There had been too much commotion in the house. Above them, Jack had been screaming out his tears for most of the night, and later, Snake was gasping in the kitchen, sounding like he was puking his guts out from the chemo.  
  
Later still, after Sean had gone, it had only gotten worse – near 3 AM, Emma had heard her mother in the kitchen, bawling her eyes out. She'd wanted to go up and comfort her mother, tell her something that would make it all better, but Emma knew that there weren't any magic words to share. Her mother had a right to feel like the world was coming to and end, and a right to let that feeling out. Emma couldn't interfere.  
  
Now, it was Saturday afternoon, and instead of going to the mall and doing some heavy duty retail therapy, or hanging out with her boyfriend, Emma was about to crawl back into bed, exhausted, for an afternoon nap. She'd had to run errands for her mother all morning -- grocery shopping, picking up Snake's prescriptions at the drug store, taking Jack to the park -- and now she could barely keep her eyes open.  
  
She pulled back the blankets, and slid underneath, wishing that she could wake up sometime next month, maybe next year, whenever all of this would be over and her life would be her own again.  
  
Emma had closed her eyes, and started to drift off when she heard the click of the basement window being pushed open, then the soft bang of it falling shut again. At first she thought that she was just dreaming, but when she opened her eyes, Sean stood at the foot of bed, smiling shyly.  
  
"I guess this isn't the best time, huh?" he said, shaking his head.  
  
She smiled back, then moved over in bed so there was room for him, and held the blankets open in invitation.  
  
Right now, Emma was too tired to feel guilty.  
  
- x –  
  
His timing had always sucked, but Sean felt particularly crappy about waking Emma up in the middle of her nap. He knew firsthand that she wasn't getting too much sleep lately, and she really needed to catch up or she was going to collapse one of these days. As soon as he saw her lying there in bed, he was ready to turn and leave, but she opened her eyes before he could and when she moved over so there was room for him, there was no way he could refuse.  
  
The truth was that he hadn't gotten much sleep last night either. After he'd left Emma's he'd gone home and tried, but he lay awake for most of the night, wondering what the hell he was doing with his life.  
  
Before he'd been at Emma's, he'd gone to some coffee house with Ellie and some of her friends for open mike night. They hadn't performed, but there was some band they'd wanted to hear.  
  
Sean felt so guilty about the whole Emma situation that he'd agreed to go along even though he really could stand the whiny, profound music that people always seemed to play in coffee houses. The whole time they were there, Ellie sat beside him, smiling, clearly enjoying the music and the fact that Sean was there with her, while he checked his watch every few minutes, wondering if he'd catch Emma before she fell asleep.  
  
What the hell was wrong with him? Seriously. There were a million things that he loved about Ellie, and virtually nothing that he didn't. She was so pretty, smart too, and she couldn't care less what anyone thought of her. She dressed the way she wanted, talked the way she wanted, did what she wanted, and she let him do the same. Ellie never gave him trouble about Jay and the guys, though Sean knew that she thought they were losers and he shouldn't waste his time with them. She didn't get on his case when he slept through trig and failed all the pop quizzes. Ellie liked him for who he was; he never felt like she hoped he'd become something more, someone different. She didn't make him feel like he wasn't good enough. Not ever.  
  
But – and this was the strange thing – there were still times when Sean was with Ellie that he felt like he was sleepwalking, that the world was a crazy, fucked up place and he'd gone completely numb. He didn't know how to tell her that, to tell anyone that really.  
  
With Emma, he didn't have to say anything. She understood because she felt the same thing.  
  
He told himself again and again that he wasn't cheating on Ellie because nothing had happened with Emma, and nothing would. He and Emma were just friends, like Ellie was with Marco. There was no need to explain the whole thing to her.  
  
Yeah right... that was just the pathetic way that he justified it to himself, Sean knew. He could pretend all he wanted that nothing was going on, but sooner or later, someone was going to get hurt.  
  
He just hoped that it was only him. He could deal with that. Emma and Ellie didn't deserve it.  
  
Sean slid into bed beside Emma, keeping a careful distance from her like he always did. Her eyes were open, but it looked like she was going to drift off again very soon.  
  
"Did things ever quiet down here last night?" he whispered.  
  
It was obvious that she hadn't slept much the night before, but he wondered if something had happened to keep her awake. Part of him hoped that she hadn't been able to sleep just because he wasn't with her. There was something kind of amazing about the idea, that he might have that kind of power over her. That she might need him as badly as he had always needed her. Sean couldn't help liking that thought.  
  
"Jack finally calmed down after my mom took him for a ride in the car," Emma said. "And Snake started to feel better around midnight and went to sleep. But..."  
  
She tried to bury her face further into the pillow so he couldn't see her.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Later, after Jack and Snake both went to sleep, after she probably thought I was asleep too, I heard my mother upstairs in the kitchen..." Emma's voice was muffled by the pillow, but the pain in it was still clear. "She was crying. It was like three in the morning, and my mother was crying all alone at the kitchen and I didn't even go up to be with her. I just didn't know what to say, how to pretend that everything's going to turn out all right. I couldn't lie to her..."  
  
Emma had lifted her face from the pillow, so Sean could see the tears that covered her cheeks. Just like she had felt last night with her mother, he couldn't think of a single thing to say to her. Nothing that wouldn't seem stupid or hollow. Instead, he reached out carefully, and rubbed her back. He hoped that would be good enough.  
  
"You know, I've been so busy feeling sorry for myself," she said, after she'd caught her breath. "Because it's easier than dealing with what this is doing to her. How hard it is for her."  
  
Sean moved closer, his head right beside hers on the pillow so their noses were almost touching. She reached out to hug him, burying her face in his chest. He could feel her shaking, and he felt completely useless because he couldn't do anything to make her feel better.  
  
"It's not fair, Sean. It's not fair."  
  
"It isn't, Em. It sucks."  
  
She nodded against his chest.  
  
"Finally, after so long, I have father. My mother has someone to love her. And we're a real family with Jack. Now we're going to lose all of it."  
  
He patted her back as he held her because he still couldn't think of anything to say. He thought that he knew a little bit about how she felt since his own parents were MIA and his family was nonexistent. Emma was crying so steadily now that he could feel his shirt getting wet. He pulled back so he could look her in the eyes, and know that she was really hearing him.  
  
"Whatever happens, Emma, you're gonna get through it. You're strong. So is your mom. You guys will find a way to get through it," he told her, and he believed what he was saying.  
  
Emma shook her head, not believing him. Her face was red and streaked with tears. He tried to wipe some of them away, but they kept coming. Sean didn't know that he was going to kiss her until their lips touched, but it immediately felt right. Emma kissed him back, clinging to him like he was her lifeline.  
  
It had never gone this far before. They'd always kept a safe distance, trying not to get too involved. They had an unspoken agreement not to mention Ellie or Chris when they were together, but they both knew that they had other commitments. They both knew that they were heading into dangerous territory.  
  
When they pulled apart, neither of them seemed able to look at the other.  
  
"Turn over," Sean said gruffly.  
  
Emma did as she was told without putting up a fight. Her back was to him now, and he held her like that, his arm across her waist.  
  
"We shouldn't be doing this," she whispered, almost like she was afraid to admit that anything was going on.  
  
"We're not doing anything," Sean lied.  
  
She was right of course – they were clearly asking for trouble – but it didn't seem to change the way that either of them felt.  
  
"Go to sleep," he told her quietly.  
  
She was too tired to fight with him, and less than five minutes later, he could tell that she'd fallen back to sleep. He was tired himself, but he just lay there, wide awake and wondering what he the hell he was going to do about all of this.  
  
They couldn't go on this way for much longer. That much was obvious. 


	10. So Far to Fall

Disclaimer – Still don't own them.  
  
a/n – I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who's intrigued by the possibility of the whole Craig/Ellie thing. I thought people would hate it actually. I'm happy to be wrong. Enjoy.  
  
- x-  
  
"What do you think about this?"  
  
Ashley held up a black v-neck sweater, and tilted her head.  
  
"Too preppy?" she asked.  
  
Ellie sighed. She hated helping other people pick out clothes. When she went shopping for herself, she could find stuff that she liked right away, no fuss. Most girls seemed to have to deliberate for hours over a simple t- shirt. Like it was a life or death decision or something.  
  
"I like it," she told Ashley. "It'd look good with your denim skirt. You know that one that's kind of faded, kind of short."  
  
Ellie started to move to another section of the store, hoping that Ashley would just pick up the damn sweater and move on. When she turned back, though, Ash still stood in front of the stack of sweaters, holding one against her chest and trying to examine it from every possible angle.  
  
This was going to be a long afternoon, Ellie thought bitterly.  
  
They were supposed to be having fun at the mall but she felt like she was being punished. It really wasn't Ashley's fault either. Ellie had been in a funk for the past couple of weeks, so her fuse was pretty short. There were two words that best described the strange mood she'd been in: Sean. Craig.  
  
She couldn't quite place her finger on it, but there was something different about Sean in the last couple of weeks. He dressed the same, talked the same, acted the same, but something about him just didn't seem right. And it wasn't even that there was distance between them or something – Sean had made himself available whenever she wanted to hang out. But there was something in Ellie's gut that told her all was not well. She wished that she could figure it out.  
  
Then, of course, there was Craig. The situation with him was even more confusing. Nothing significant had happened, but it was almost as if they had reached some sort of understanding and there was a connection between them now. Something unspoken, but real. They'd look at each other sometimes, and it was almost as if they knew what the other was thinking. They hadn't had any deep meaningful conversations or anything, but something strange was going on between them. Ellie hoped that it wasn't obvious to the outside world, particularly Ash and Sean.  
  
It was no big deal, Ellie knew, but she didn't think that they would understand.  
  
Just the other day, Craig had walked with Ellie to Caitlin's office. He had something that he was supposed to bring her from Joey, and Ellie was supposed to be working, so it only made sense that they walked together. They talked about silly, stupid things, like some new band that was playing in the area, the killer History exam they'd just taken, how Angie was still asking when Ellie was going to come over and play with her. Harmless, meaningless stuff.  
  
Still, Ellie had felt guilty afterwards. Like she couldn't let Sean know about it, like Ashley would kill her if she found out. Craig was the enemy. He was supposed to be anyway. And Sean was her boyfriend. He wouldn't like her hanging around with other guys, particularly a guy like Craig who had a reputation for playing girls.  
  
Now, she was in the mall, having to deal with Ash's commitment issues regarding the black sweater, and there were still all these Sean/Craig issues floating around her head. Talking about things was supposed to make things better, right? Ash was her friend; they were supposed to do the whole girl-talk thing. She definitely couldn't open up to her about Craig and that weirdness, but she could still ask her about Sean. Get some advice.  
  
"Hey, Ash, let me ask you something."  
  
Ashley looked up from her sweater, startled. It was almost as if she'd forgotten about the rest of the world because she was so focused on the stupid sweater.  
  
"Shoot."  
  
"I know you don't really talk to Sean, or hang out with him for that matter, if I'm not around anyway, but... has he seemed a little off to you lately? Like, not exactly himself or something?"  
  
Ellie winced as she listened to her own words. She sounded like a paranoid, hysterical girlfriend. She just hoped that Ash would understand.  
  
"Let me think," Ashley said. She cocked her head like she was deep in thought. "Lately, Sean's seemed angry, moody, anti-social. In other words, his usual self."  
  
She smiled warmly to show that she was only teasing.  
  
"It's not like there are any overt, obvious signs," Ellie clarified, feeling defensive. "It's just this feeling I get. Like when he's with me, he's not really with me."  
  
Ashley walked over to where Ellie stood in front of a display of leather jackets. She had apparently decided against the sweater because she'd dumped it back on the table as she came over.  
  
"To be honest, Ellie, if anything, Sean has seemed even more into you lately than before," Ashley told her. "I mean, he came to the coffee house last night to hear Love Riot play, which you know is totally not his kind of music. And he held your hand the whole time. I mean, what more do you want?"  
  
Ellie nodded half-heartedly. She wasn't convinced. On the surface, Ashley was right, but the fact that Sean was doing all these things now that he hadn't done before seemed like a sign to her. It wasn't like Sean to be so... wishy-washy.  
  
"And last week..." Ash continued. "He came to Jimmy's party, and you know there's no love lost between them, just because you promised me you'd come. He hung out with Paige Michalchuk for like three hours last Saturday night, Ellie! If that's not love, I don't know what is."  
  
Ellie shook her head, trying to shake all her paranoid thoughts free. Maybe Ash was right. Maybe she was looking for trouble where there wasn't any. It was probably the whole Craig thing just making her insane.  
  
"You're right, Ash. I'm being an idiot. Thanks for clearing that up."  
  
"No problem. That's what best friends are for. To remind you of your idiocy from time to time."  
  
Ashley smiled, and Ellie couldn't help smiling along. She felt better already.  
  
"Let's get out of here," Ashley said. "This store has nothing. I could use some coffee, like right away."  
  
Ellie wanted to do a little victory to dance. No more hours, perusing sweaters and jeans. It felt like a holiday.  
  
"So anything new on the Craig front?" Ashley asked, as they walked out of the store.  
  
Guilt flooded Ellie. Maybe Ash knew something... but how could she? Nothing had happened.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Is that jerk still kissing up to you in some lame attempt to get me to not hate his guts?"  
  
She could tell Ashley the truth because the truth wasn't anything remarkable. Nothing was going on between her and Craig. Nothing. They'd talked a little bit. Big deal.  
  
"He's been talking to me, if that's what you mean."  
  
Ashley stopped, dead in her tracks.  
  
"About what?" she demanded.  
  
Ellie felt her cheeks get hot. This was not going the way she wanted it to.  
  
"Nothing. Just small talk. It's not a big deal."  
  
"Yes, it is," Ashley asserted. "He does the lowest, most awful thing he can possibly do to me, and he thinks I'll just forgive and forget if he chats up my best friend. Oh, god, if I could get my hands on him ... "  
  
Ellie didn't know how much longer she could deal with listening to Ash wish for bodily harm to come to Craig. It was like a bad record stuck on repeat.  
  
"Ash, listen. I think you've got to start to let this go. I mean, don't let thoughts of him control your life anymore, you know? Just forget him."  
  
Ashley stared at her, wild-eyed.  
  
"Are you kidding me? You're the one who told me I shouldn't rest until he was burning in hell. Now all of a sudden, I should just forget what he did and move on?"  
  
Ellie looked away. She felt like crap, like the worst friend in the entire world.  
  
"I just don't like seeing you get all worked up like this," she said. "He's not worth it. That's all."  
  
Ashley's face softened, and she nodded.  
  
"You're probably right. As usual. Let's go drown my sorrows in a mocha latte."  
  
Ellie nodded, but she didn't think she stomach anything topped with whipped cream. She couldn't possibly feel more guilty.  
  
She wished they'd stuck with the sweater shopping. At least no one would get hurt that way.  
  
- x –  
  
On Saturday afternoons, the mall was always crowded, and walking through it was like being stuck in a bad traffic jam. That was the kind of thing that usually drove Craig insane, and made him want to pull his hair out. Today, though, it seemed easier to ignore all of it. He'd just bought the new boots that he'd been wanting for almost four months, and he was on his way to the record store to pick up a new CD.  
  
Life seemed pretty damn good right now – The Beatles had gotten it all wrong, Craig thought. Money could buy happiness.  
  
As he headed toward the record store, Craig passed by the coffee shop. He'd been craving an iced coffee all morning. Maybe even a shot of espresso, to give him an added boost of energy for the rest of his afternoon at the mall.  
  
He stood just outside the doorway, contemplating his choices, when he looked inside and saw Ellie, waiting beside the counter. She had her hair in braids, which always made her look so unbelievably cute.  
  
Not that Craig noticed that kind of thing about Ellie. Nope. Never.  
  
She noticed him too, and for a moment, he thought that he saw a smile bloom across her face. But almost immediately, Ellie tensed up, like she wished that Craig would disappear or that she would disappear herself.  
  
Craig waved, smiling in a goofy way, in hopes of putting her at ease, but as he did, he looked over beside Ellie and realized what had her so uncomfortable.  
  
There stood Ashley, glaring right at Craig. She picked up her coffee, and stormed toward him before he could duck and cover or even prepare himself. Ellie trailed after her, looking anxious, but a little bit amused at the same time.  
  
"You are pathetic, Craig. Do you know that?" Ashley raged, right there in the middle of the mall.  
  
"What have I done now, Ashley?" he sighed, feeling very tired all of a sudden. "Am I not allowed to go shopping without checking with you first?"  
  
Ashley sneered, shaking her heard. She definitely looked angry, like she could breathe fire or something, but there was something about the wild look in her eyes that made Craig think that she was actually looking forward to this confrontation. It was almost as if she'd been waiting for the chance to rip him to shreds with her words for a long, long time.  
  
Ellie stood behind her, just a few steps back. She was studying the marble tiles of the walkway like they held all of life's mysteries.  
  
"You are as transparent as a piece of glass," Ashley told him. "Do you think you're fooling anyone? I mean, seriously..."  
  
"I must be doing a pretty good job fooling myself because I have no clue what you're talking about."  
  
She laughed then, loud and bitter. "That's good. You know, if I didn't know what a lying jerk you were, I might actually believe you."  
  
Craig hung his head, and closed his eyes. There was no way he could go through this whole mess again. He was in no mood.  
  
"I've heard this song before, Ash. I'm sick of it."  
  
He turned to walk away, risking one more glance at Ellie. She looked at him with something close to pity. It made him feel sick to his stomach.  
  
As he started to walk away, he heard Ashley call after him.  
  
"Do you think I don't know what's going on with you and Ellie? Did you think she wouldn't tell me?"  
  
Stunned, Craig spun around to face both Ashley and Ellie. He couldn't believe this was happening. It felt like a dream, a nightmare.  
  
Ellie looked as panicked as he did, all the color drained from her face.  
  
"I don't know what Ellie told you but I haven't –"  
  
"Yeah, like I'd take your word over Ellie's. Someone who's never lied to me versus someone who couldn't tell the truth if his life depended on it. Tough choice..."  
  
Ellie stepped forward, placing a hand on Ashley's arm. "Come on, Ash," she whispered. "Calm down."  
  
Ashley looked at her for a long moment, but turned right back to Craig.  
  
"If you think that you can make me forget the crap that you pulled by trying to kiss up to Ellie, you're in for a rude awakening, Craig. You could rescue an entire kindergartner class from a burning school bus and I still wouldn't forgive you."  
  
Craig felt like he'd been kicked in the stomach. The pain was that real. He knew she hated him -- she'd told him enough times, sang enough songs about it, told enough people, but there was some part of him that always believed she'd get over what he'd done eventually. He was sorry, truly and sincerely sorry, but that didn't seem to count for anything with Ashley.  
  
Ellie looked like she wished that she could be anywhere else. Even when she frowned, she looked cute. God, Craig thought, what the hell is wrong with me? He took a deep breath, and looked Ashley in the eye.  
  
"I'm sorry you feel that way," he said flatly. "But thanks for letting me know. I'll stop wasting your time and mine. You hate my guts, and you know what? I don't really give a rat's ass anymore. Have a nice life, Ash."  
  
Without thinking twice, without even looking back at Ellie, Craig walked off. As sick as he felt, there was also something liberating about what had happened. He could finally, officially declare himself over and done with Ashley Kerwin. So what if she never forgave him? So what if her friends refused to talked to him ever again? He'd get over it.  
  
But that still left one very serious problem.  
  
How was he going to explain this thing with Ellie if Ashley was no longer a part of the equation? 


	11. Will I See You in Heaven?

Disclaimer: Same old, same old. I don't own any of the characters.  
  
a/n: Thank you to everyone who's still reading along and taking the time to leave reviews. And an extra special thanks to those who sent some pretty amazing e-mails. You guys all rock!  
  
- x –  
  
Out of all his classes, English was the one that inspired the most daydreaming for Sean. They were always talking about fictional characters and made-up lives, and sometimes, he couldn't help thinking of his own life that way, like it was just story that someone had made up, going over all the scenes like they were from a play or something.  
  
He slumped forward over his book, and rested his head on his hand. His entire relationship with Emma was the perfect example – with all its highs and lows, all its twists and turns, it could have been a freaking movie of the week.  
  
He looked over at her now, but she was reading her book. She twirled a strand of her hair around her finger absently as she did, and Sean couldn't stop watching. Chris, who sat next to her, couldn't seem to either, so naturally, Sean felt the uncontrollable urge to punch him right in the face and force him to look forward.  
  
No one else could look at Emma the way that he did. No one understood her like he did.  
  
... It was just one kiss, one stupid, meaningless kiss. That's what he told himself anyway. It didn't matter that he was acting like some stupid, lovesick girl, replaying the moment over and over again, unable to forget the way that Emma had felt, tasted, the way she smelled.  
  
They'd kissed hundreds of time before that Saturday afternoon in her bed, maybe even thousands, but for some reason, that one kiss stood out in his mind, almost like it was a moment when everything in his life changed, though he still didn't know how exactly.  
  
He'd been back to see her several times since that afternoon, but he'd been a good boy, keeping his distance, keeping his hands and his tongue to himself. Ellie, Ellie, Ellie, he repeated inside his head whenever the urge to grab Emma got to be too much.  
  
Right now, Sean was supposed to be doing independent reading like the rest of the class, but there was no way that he could concentrate. Because every so often, Emma could look back over her shoulder at him, smiling faintly, and he'd feel this charge go through him. He couldn't read his book because he didn't want to risk missing one of those looks. He'd smile back, certain that everyone else was too caught up in Wuthering Heights to notice what was going on around them.  
  
Sean was daydreaming again, imagining what it would be like to kiss Emma again, the way he wanted to, when suddenly, Raditch appeared in the doorway, looking serious and pissed off. He waited on the doorstep until Ms. Kwan finally noticed him, and walked over.  
  
Fucking great, Sean thought. What have Jay and the guys done now? And how am I going to convince Raditch that I had nothing to do with it?  
  
Whenever anything questionable happened at Degrassi, Raditch was convinced that Sean had a hand in it. Sean was sick of being treated like some kind of criminal, like he was just one bad move away from serving a life sentence.  
  
Let me catch a break here, Sean pleaded silently. Please let Raditch be here for someone else. Anyone else.  
  
Sean watched as Raditch stepped in the classroom, radiating authority.  
  
"I'm sorry to interrupt, Ms. Kwan," he said, in low, careful voice.  
  
Sean could see Raditch scanning the classroom, his eyes passing over each student in appraisal. Sean almost wanted to get up and do a victory dance when Raditch passed over him. Yes, Sean thought. Maybe this isn't going to be such a crappy day after all.  
  
But then he realized who Raditch had settled his gaze on ...  
  
In a horrible moment, Sean realized who Raditch was here for, and when he realized that, he saw that the look on Raditch's face was not of anger, but of sadness and pity. The whole thing came together for Sean in an instant, and he felt sick to his stomach.  
  
"Emma? May I see you for a minute outside?" Raditch asked. He spoke so quietly and carefully, the way you would to a child who doesn't understand big words.  
  
With her back to him, Sean couldn't see Emma's face, but he could tell from the shaky way that she rose from her desk that she had realized what was going on as well. JT and Toby exchanged concerned looks, but didn't move. Chris reached over and patted Emma's arm, whispering something that Sean couldn't hear.  
  
He even saw Manny watching her with a sympathetic look on her face, though she tried to hide it behind her copy of Wuthering Height.  
  
As Emma walked toward the door, whispers began all over the classroom. Everyone had realized what was going on, and though Sean couldn't hear entire sentences, certain words jumped out at him.  
  
Simpson. Cancer. Dying. Dead.  
  
"Everyone quiet down," Ms. Kwan said. Her voice also seemed full of pain and sympathy. "Back to your books."  
  
Sean looked down at the words on the page before him. He knew it was a sad story, with people dying and being left behind and hurting each other even though they were in love, but he couldn't seem to make sense of any of it. There were less than ten minutes left in the period, but he didn't know if he could wait that long to get to Emma.  
  
He looked up at the clock, watching the second hand slowly make its circle, and tried to will time to move more quickly.  
  
- x –  
  
The hallway was crowded with people between periods, gossiping and laughing, as Craig leaned back against his locker and sighed.  
  
He'd failed that pre-Calculus exam. He was sure of it. He'd felt like he was trying to decipher a foreign language, and still hadn't figured out how to ask where the damn bathroom was yet.  
  
Jimmy, Marco, and Spinner appeared beside him, looking as dazed as he did.  
  
"So I'm not the only who got their ass kicked by that test?" he asked.  
  
The guys shook their heads, looking almost hung over.  
  
"Count me in too," a soft voice called over the noise of the hallway. A few lockers away, Ellie stood, putting away her Math books. She smiled at him, like they were survivors of the same natural disaster.  
  
"I think that should qualify as cruel and unusual punishment," Spinner said. "I mean, we're not freaking rocket scientists. How are we supposed to know what—"  
  
Suddenly, a blonde streak bolted toward them, and they all turned their heads.  
  
Paige stopped short beside Spinner, practically knocking him over.  
  
"Did you guys hear?" she demanded, out of breath. "Do you guys know?"  
  
Craig stood up straighter, and moved in closer to the guys, so he could hear better. Paige tended to be something of a drama queen, but there was a panicked look in her eyes that Craig had never seen before. Ellie came over too, and the six of them formed a tight little cluster in the middle of the busy hallway.  
  
"I was just talking to JT," Paige said. Her words were almost slurred, because she was speaking so fast. "Raditch just came into Kwan's class to get Emma. You know what that must mean right?"  
  
Paige had lowered her voice, and it sounded like it was painful for her to speak, like the words actually hurt.  
  
Jimmy nodded. "Simpson must be in pretty bad shape."  
  
"I mean, yeah, right?" Paige said. "They wouldn't come and drag poor Emma out of class like that if it wasn't totally horrible, right?"  
  
All of them stood there, almost speechless, unable to really process it all. Craig looked over at Ellie, who was staring down at the floor. He knew that she'd also had some kind of trouble at home, some tough times, and he could tell that she felt for Emma, for what she must be going through.  
  
Craig sympathized with Emma too. They hadn't been that tight since everything had gone down with he and Manny, but they had once been pretty good friends. He knew what it felt like to lose a parent. To lose both of them actually. He could understand what she was going through better than anyone.  
  
"I should go talk to Emma. See if she's all right," Craig said absently.  
  
The others all looked at him. He focused on Ellie, who nodded at him, looking like she thought he was pretty brave for even thinking of doing it.  
  
"I bet Chris is with her," Paige said. "I mean, if I was in her place, I know I'd want my honeybee with me." She stepped in Spinner's arms, wrapping herself around him.  
  
Suddenly, there was a commotion in the hallway behind them. The group of kids gathered there was pushed forward, and one was slammed against the wall.  
  
"Outta my way," someone announced, in a dark threatening voice.  
  
As the crowd parted, Sean barreled through, looking almost deranged. He was clearly determined, but there was something wild in his eyes too, like he might take someone's head off in they got in his way.  
  
Craig looked over at Ellie, who had noticed Sean as well, and looked troubled.  
  
"Sean. Sean!" she called as he charged past them, but Sean didn't seem to hear. He stomped down the hallway, and disappeared into another crowd.  
  
The group all looked at her sympathetically, embarrassed for her almost. Craig had always thought that underneath the tough-guy routine, Sean was a pretty decent guy, but lately, he couldn't stand the way that Sean was treating Ellie. What kind of idiot is he, Craig thought. To treat a girl like Ellie like she barely existed, that was fucked up.  
  
"He's probably in a rush to get somewhere and didn't notice you there, hun," Paige whispered to Ellie, trying to console her. "Spin once walked right past me at one of Heather Sinclaire's parties just because there was a big bowl of onion dip on the table. Guys can pretty be dense sometimes."  
  
Ellie nodded, but didn't seem convinced.  
  
"Anyway," Paige said emphatically, trying to get the conversation back on track. "We really should do something for Emma and her family. I mean, I'm sure they can use some support at a time like this."  
  
Everyone nodded.  
  
"Let's meet up at lunch to talk about it," Spinner suggested.  
  
Craig watched as the rest of the gang started to move on to their next classes. He stood there, almost paralyzed, feeling terrible for Emma, feeling bad for Ellie, and wondering why he was so screwed up that he couldn't do anything to help either of them.  
  
He shook his head sadly, and headed for the MI room.  
  
- x –  
  
When he got to Raditch's office, Emma was already gone. The door to the principal's office was open, and he could see Raditch inside, speaking in quiet tones to Coach Armstrong.  
  
Sean looked around the hallway surrounding Raditch's office, but Emma wasn't there either. He spotted Chris, standing with JT and Toby, and Sean could tell that he didn't know where Emma was either.  
  
Sean had to find her. He didn't care what it took.  
  
He stepped outside, into warm bright sunshine and cool breezes. Emma wasn't on the steps of school either. He thought that she might be here, waiting for her mother to pick her up or something. No luck. It was almost like she'd disappeared off the face of the earth.  
  
He'd try her house, Sean thought. Maybe she'd be there...  
  
But then he heard it, the low, breathless sound of some sobbing, and he bolted down the stair. On the low wall beside the school's entrance, Emma sat, crying desperately. She'd practically wrapped herself in the branches of a nearby bush, so she wouldn't be seen.  
  
"Emma," he said softly.  
  
She looked up at him, her eyes puffy and red, her cheeks wet with tears, and nodded miserably. When she stood and wildly flung herself into his arms, she almost knocked Sean over.  
  
"Tell me," he whispered.  
  
"He's in ICU," she choked out, between gulps. "They're afraid that if he slips into a coma, which could happen at any minute, that he won't wake up again. The chemo's not working anymore, they say. The cancer's not going away."  
  
There was no one around, so he hugged her exactly the way he wanted to, like she was the only person that mattered in the world. She held onto him like she felt the same way.  
  
"Want me to take you to the hospital?"  
  
She shook her head furiously.  
  
"My mom says there's no point in me coming." She laughed bitterly. "She says it's better for me if I stay here and distract myself with school. She didn't even come down here to tell me, Sean! I had to talk to her on the phone in Raditch's office, with him standing there, handing me tissues, looking at me like I'm the saddest girl in the world."  
  
Sean nodded sympathetically.  
  
"Want me to walk you home then?"  
  
"I can't go back there right now. It'll seem so empty."  
  
"I'll take you to class then. Maybe it is good if you –"  
  
"I can't go back in there!" Emma moaned. "God, I can't stand all those people staring at me, feeling sorry for me. Asking me if I'm okay..."  
  
He rubbed her back, understanding exactly how she felt. But Sean didn't know what she wanted. He didn't know what to do to help her.  
  
"What then, Em?"  
  
She pulled back, looking at him intensely.  
  
"Take me somewhere. Somewhere I can pretend that all of this doesn't exist."  
  
Sean nodded, and took her hand.  
  
"Come with me."  
  
- x - 


	12. Don't Let the World Get in Your Way

Disclaimer: Yada, yada, yada... I don't own them.  
  
a/n: Big thanks to everyone who's still reading the story. I hope you all like this chapter – it was real challenge to write it, but I think I like the way it turned out. Let me know what you think.  
  
- x -  
  
It was amazing how the world could just crumble down around you in an instant, like a house of cards. That's all it had taken, Emma thought. One quick second, absorbing the words that her mother had said over the phone, and the ground seemed to fall out from beneath Emma's feet.  
  
She held Sean's hand now as they walked, having no clue where they were going. She didn't even notice her surroundings, if they were walking on a busy street or in a quiet neighborhood. She just held Sean's hand, and trusted that he'd lead her the right way.  
  
She felt guilty, practically forcing Sean to ditch class so she wouldn't be alone. It didn't get more selfish than that. What was wrong with her?  
  
And when she'd been sitting outside the school, crying over the complete unfairness of life, how cruel it could be, it wasn't Chris who she wanted to – no, needed to – see. It had been Sean all along.  
  
Sean, who had a girlfriend and more than enough problems of his own to deal with.  
  
You couldn't get more screwed up than that.  
  
They walked for what felt like a long time, though Emma had lost all sense of time too. When she finally came back to herself and looked around, they were in the ravine, with a bright blue sky overhead, warm sunshine streaming down, and beautiful green trees casting shadows all around.  
  
She could still remember the last time that they were here together, how Sean had made her feel like they were the only two people left on the earth. Until, of course, the real world had come knocking, and Kendra stumbled upon them. She also couldn't forget everything that had happened afterward, the way Sean had walked away from her, angry and mean. There was a still a part of Emma that still hurt over all of it, even despite the way she and Sean were connecting these days.  
  
Now she wanted to forget all of it, everything that made her ache inside, and even if the real world tried to intrude, Emma would ignore it, fight it off.  
  
Sean coughed quietly, kicking at a pile of dry leaves.  
  
"I thought this place would be nice and quiet," he said.  
  
His voice was pitched low and soft, like he thought she had a headache. She wanted to tell him that it wasn't her head that ached, but her heart instead, like it had been smashed to pieces inside her chest. That would only make her remember, though, so instead she just watched Sean, as he scraped shapes in the dirt with the tip of his boot.  
  
Emma knew that he remembered what had happened here before, and that he didn't want her to get the wrong idea about why he'd brought her here. But she could also see the sadness in his eyes, frustration at being so helpless, and it felt like reality had slapped her in the face.  
  
Snake could be dying.  
  
She'd known that for months now, worried over it everyday, but it had still seemed unreal, like a bad dream or something that was happening in a movie. Now it was a real, tangible possibility. Tomorrow morning, she could wake up and Snake could be gone. It was impossible to believe, to accept – that he could be here one day and then ... poof, just like that, be gone the next.  
  
She sat down beneath a tall tree, where it was shady and cool. She felt like she'd fallen hard against the ground, almost like she'd collapsed. Sean sat down beside her, close enough that the side of his body was pressed tightly against hers.  
  
That was exactly what she needed – to know that she wasn't alone, that someone understood.  
  
And in that moment, Emma felt like the most horrible person in the world because her father was terribly sick, wasting away in a hospital bed, and all she could think about was the way Sean's lips had felt against hers on Saturday, when he'd kissed her in his bed and made her world seem bright again.  
  
"All I want," she started to say, just as Sean put his arm around her and leaned his head against hers. "All I want is for someone to tell me that he's going to be okay, that he's going to pull through, and for it to be true. But whenever anyone says it, it just sounds so hollow and fake."  
  
Sean nodded, his ski cap scratching against her forehead.  
  
"Raditch said to me, 'Let me know if there's anything I can do,'" she told Sean. "And I know he was just trying to be nice, but I was so angry at him because there is nothing he can do. There's nothing anyone can do."  
  
She felt tears begin to slip down her cheeks, hot and fast.  
  
"There's nothing I can do either," she whispered. "For my mother, for Jack..."  
  
"You don't have to do anything, Emma. You're allowed to just feel."  
  
She sighed, shaking her head.  
  
"I don't want to feel any of this."  
  
Sean nodded. When he sat up and started to wipe away some of her tears, she felt a charge go through her. And when he leaned in to kiss her, Emma closed her eyes, and felt the rest of the world just slip away, all its pain and confusion, just like she'd wanted it to.  
  
This is the only thing I want to feel, she thought. This is the only thing I want to be real.  
  
Like he had all those months ago, Sean laid her down on the grass, and kissed her like it was the only thing he wanted to do in his life. She could feel of the weight of his body against hers, and it felt like he was blocking out everything that might hurt her, keeping her safe.  
  
Right now, Degrassi's entire marching band and the spirit squad could parade through the ravine, and Emma wouldn't stop kissing him, touching him. She'd let them all watch, because she'd finally come to realize that she didn't give a damn what any of them thought.  
  
They stopped for a moment to catch their breath. Sean looked down at her, wild-eyed and flushed. He brushed the hair out of Emma's face with a gentle hand, and sighed.  
  
"I wish there was something I could do for you, Em," he whispered. "Something to make you stop hurting."  
  
He'd never spoken to her like this to her before, so much pain and longing in his voice. In that moment, she didn't think that she could ever love someone more. She reached up to pull off his ski cap, tossing beside them in a pile of leaves.  
  
"You can do this," she whispered back. She pulled him down again, so their lips were only inches apart. "This is all I need right now."  
  
He nodded, smiling in a sad kind of way. When he kissed her again, she felt anything but sad.  
  
Just like she'd wanted, the pain had fallen away. All Emma felt was Sean's hand, moving under her shirt, touching her back just above the waist of her jeans. She could feel the sunshine on her skin, warm and bright. She could taste him, salty and sweet at the same time.  
  
Whatever pain was left over, Emma poured it into their kisses, until Sean was the only thing left in her world.  
  
- x –  
  
At lunch, Ellie sat at a table crowded with sad, silent people.  
  
There were eight of them all together – Jimmy, Hazel, Paige, Spinner, JT, Marco, Ashley, and herself – and they all just looked at one another blankly, hoping that someone would finally have something to say, something to positive and hopeful.  
  
Ellie hadn't been able to find Sean before lunch, which had worried her a bit. She told herself that it was probably nothing. Most likely, he was off somewhere with Jay and his gang, doing their whole stupid tough guys routine. Ellie had thought that Sean would want to be here, trying to think of a way to show their support to Emma and her family. She knew that Sean and Emma's relationship had been rocky from the start, and had ended about as badly as those things could, but times like this had a way of making all the stupid little things in life like high school break-ups and failed math tests seem even more petty. Sean would want to do something; Ellie was sure of it.  
  
Because, as cold and tough as Sean Cameron seemed on the outside, underneath it all, he had a heart as warm and big as anyone's. That was one of the things that Ellie loved about him, how he could do some really sweet, thoughtful little thing at the precise moment that someone needed it most.  
  
She really wished that Sean was here. He'd be able to make her feel better at least.  
  
"Maybe we could take them some food," Spinner said, after a long while of no one talking. "Like casseroles or something. When my grandmother died, people dropped off like a ton of lasagna and tuna casserole and stuff."  
  
Jimmy shrugged. "What's some lousy food gonna do to make them feel better?"  
  
"Well..." Ellie said quietly. "I think the idea is to take care of all the stupid little worries they might have, like what to have for dinner or whatever, so they can just focus on the really important stuff."  
  
The table was silent again, and she could feel everyone looking at her. She saw Paige nodding, gazing at her like she'd said the most profound thing imaginable.  
  
"Ellie and Spinner are right," Paige declared. "We can get together at my house after school and put some stuff together. Okay?"  
  
They all nodded wearily.  
  
"It's the least we could," Marco said sadly. "I mean, Simpson was ..." He caught himself using the past tense, and shook his head furiously. Ellie patted his hand, and offered him a weak smile.  
  
Then, over Jimmy's shoulder, she saw Craig passing by. He was obviously lost in thought because he didn't seem to see the group of them sitting there. He had his guitar with him, but he looked completely lost.  
  
Spinner spotted him, and called his name.  
  
"Craig! Hey, man, come here!"  
  
Ellie realized that the news about Mr. Simpson was really getting to everyone when Ashley, didn't bolt up from the table the minute Craig sat down. She tensed up a little, but didn't move. It seemed like Ash understood that her broken heart didn't really matter right now, not when Emma and her family were suffering through a real tragedy.  
  
"We were just talking about Simpson and his family," Spinner told Craig. "You know, what we could do to help or whatever."  
  
Craig nodded, looking almost dazed.  
  
"We're going to make some food to take over. Just so they know we're thinking of them," Paige explained.  
  
"That's a good idea," Craig said. His voice was flat and emotionless.  
  
Ellie looked at Craig, at his dark, sad eyes and their haunted expression, and she suddenly realized that he was probably thinking about his own parents, how they had both died so young, so early. She knew that his family life had been rough, but to lose both your parents by the age of fifteen had to be unbearable. She imagined that Craig was walking in Emma's shoes right now, understanding everything that she was feeling and taking it pretty hard.  
  
Across the table, they looked at one another. Ellie smiled at him gently, trying to make him realized that she understood, but he looked back blankly, like a sad, lost puppy.  
  
She felt her heart ache inside her chest, like she was the one who'd lost someone.  
  
The bell rang then, signaling the end of lunch, and everyone at the table gathered up their trash and moved for the exit.  
  
Ellie followed them out, feeling very tired. As she passed by the cafeteria counter, she spotted Sean, paying for a can of soda. He looked pretty shell-shocked and exhausted himself.  
  
"Hey! Sean!" she called.  
  
He turned quickly, looking like he'd been caught committing a crime.  
  
They walked toward one another, and stood just a few feet apart in the middle of the cafeteria. Sean looked down at his feet, tapping his thumb against his can of Coke. Ellie watched him carefully, trying to figure out what was up with him. On the back of his ski cap, there were a couple of dried leaves, clinging stubbornly to the material. She plucked one free, and held it up in front of his face.  
  
Sean's eyes widened, then narrowed again in a heartbeat.  
  
"What exactly have you been up to?" Ellie teased lightly.  
  
"Nothing," he mumbled, looking down at the floor. "Jay's car is a mess."  
  
"I was trying to find you before. Mr. Simpson isn't doing so well... I mean, he's in pretty bad shape really, so a bunch of us were trying to come up with something to do for Emma and –"  
  
The second bell rang then, loud and shrill, drowning out the rest of Ellie's words.  
  
"I've gotta go," Sean said quickly. "I'm late for shop."  
  
He looked at Ellie for a long moment, like he had something else to say but wasn't sure how to get the words out. But he just shook his head, looking very tired. When he leaned in to kiss her cheek, Ellie felt a chill go through her, something cold and dark.  
  
It's probably just the news about Simpson, Ellie told herself as she walked to class. Or maybe her concerns about Craig and his state of mind. It couldn't be Sean who was making her feel that way.  
  
At least, she didn't want to believe that was possible  
  
- x –  
  
The day had lasted forever, Craig decided, as he headed for the gym after school. He carried his guitar and his notebook, hoping to find a quiet, private place where he could work on his music.  
  
Drown all his sorrows in music was more accurate, he thought bitterly.  
  
All day, ever since he'd heard the news about Simpson, Craig had felt numb, like he was lost in a fog. Thinking about Emma and what she must be feeling made him remember those cold dark days when his mother was dying, the brutal shock of finding out that his father had died in that car accident. It all came back to him in vivid color, like a bad dream.  
  
He wanted to do anything that would make the memories just disappear.  
  
Everyone had been talking about how sorry they felt for Emma and her mom, how they wanted to do something to help, and Craig did too, so badly. He wanted to go to Emma and tell that he understood how she felt, that she wasn't alone, but he couldn't bring himself to do it.  
  
If he went to her, and looked into her eyes, he knew that he'd just be reliving his own experiences with death. Craig just didn't want to go through that.  
  
He could remember that after his father died, he'd seriously freaked out, and that Terri had reached out to him, made him realize that she understood what he was feeling. Just hearing those words from her had a made a huge difference. He wanted to do the same thing for Emma now, but for some selfish reason, he couldn't.  
  
He just couldn't do it.  
  
Craig found the gym empty, just as he'd hoped. He sat on a stack of wrestling mats, and took out his guitar. He'd pour out all his pain into his music. That was how great works of art were created, right?  
  
He played around with a song he was working on, trying to come up with some powerful lyrics as he toyed with the chords. It was going well, and he started to feel better. He started to forget.  
  
"You're not going to Paige's?" a voice suddenly called from the gym doors.  
  
He looked up and saw Ellie standing there, her book bag slung across her body. She seemed a little bit tentative, as if she was almost afraid to interrupt him.  
  
"I.. ah... I just couldn't..." Craig babbled. He couldn't seem to form a coherent sentence.  
  
"Not up for it just yet? That's sort of how I'm feeling."  
  
Craig nodded, as he watched Ellie walk toward him. Her hair was down today, loose around her shoulders. It was the prettiest shade of red he'd ever seen. He felt like an idiot whenever he thought things like that.  
  
"I'm not entirely comfortable in situations like this," she confided, sitting down beside him. "I mean, you make someone some vegetable casserole or something, and sure, it's a nice gesture and they appreciate it. But the whole time they just look at you, hoping that you'll be able to say something that makes them feel better, that takes the pain away, and there aren't any magic words like that. It's so hard."  
  
He nodded again, amazed that she could put into words exactly what he was feeling.  
  
"It must be even harder for you," Ellie whispered.  
  
Something about sitting here with her in the dark gym, all alone, with her whispering into his ear, seemed really intimate to Craig. Like they were actually close friends, and not just awkward acquaintances.  
  
"What do you mean?" he asked.  
  
Ellie looked away, and licked her lips nervously.  
  
"I just meant that because you know how Emma must feel right now. You know how hard it is to deal with losing a parent."  
  
Craig stared at her, stunned. He couldn't believe that Ellie, this girl who barely knew him, this girl who up until a month ago hated his guts, really and truly understood how he felt.  
  
"It is hard," he said quietly. He strummed his guitar, a loud sound in the quiet gym. "I know I should go and talk to Emma. You know, be there for her ... but I can't do it. I can't deal with all my own memories."  
  
He turned to look at Ellie, expecting her to be disgusted with him, stunned that he could be so selfish and awful. But she only nodded, smiling sadly.  
  
"My dad is overseas, and every day I worry that we'll get a phone call that says he's been hurt. Or worse. It's just a peacekeeping mission, but every day I worry." She shook her head. "For Emma, it's more real than just a worry, and I don't know what to say to her. How to pretend that everything is going to be all right in the end."  
  
Craig nodded. He was horrified when he realized that he had started to cry, a hot tear slipping down his cheek. Suddenly he felt Ellie's hand on his shoulder, patting gently.  
  
"You shouldn't feel bad about not being able to talk to her, Craig. It doesn't make you a bad person."  
  
He looked over at her, feeling out of control.  
  
"No, I'm a bad person because I had sex with Manny while I was dating Ashley," he said flatly.  
  
Ellie turned away, sighing. She kept her hand on his shoulder, though, and it made him feel less alone.  
  
"I feel like a bad person, Ellie," he whispered. "Emma's going through this terrible thing, and I could do something. Something so simple and easy. But I won't."  
  
She looked at him intensely, like she was seeing him for the first time. The room was silent for what felt like hours. Then Ellie stood up, smoothing the wrinkles out of her skirt.  
  
"Come with me then," she said. "We'll go to Paige's and make some casseroles with everyone else. Even if you can't talk to Emma, you can peel some potatoes, chop some carrots. Emma will know that you care."  
  
She smiled softly, as he looked at her, amazed. Ellie Nash was amazing. The most amazing girl he'd ever known. He knew that now.  
  
When Craig still hadn't moved, Ellie took his guitar from him and packed it away in its case. Then she held her hand out to him, waiting.  
  
He took it, feeling a spark go through him when they touched, and stood up.  
  
Just like that, they walked out of the gym. Craig and Ellie, hand in hand, off to make a casserole.  
  
- x - 


	13. A Few Small Bruises

Disclaimer – None of these characters belong to me.  
  
a/n – Sorry for the delay in updating. I've been busier than I thought I'd be. I hope this is worth the wait, and I promise to have some new chapters up more quickly this time! Thanks to everyone who's r/ring. You guys are the best!  
  
- x -  
  
By the time Emma started her walk home, it was almost dark. The sky was purple and gray above the houses, and the colors seemed to mirror her mood, the numbness that she felt inside. She'd spent the entire afternoon alone at the ravine, after she'd told Sean that he should go back to school. It wasn't fair to expect him to put his life on hold just for her, and besides, she wanted some quiet time to think, to get herself under control. When Sean was around, all she could do was kiss him, lie beneath him and feel like that was the only part of the world that she wanted to know.  
  
Right now wasn't time for Emma to indulge in that. There probably wouldn't ever be a right time for her and Sean, but that hardly mattered right now.  
  
So she'd sat there at the ravine, in the warm sunshine, for hours, trying to find a way to make sense of what was happening to her family. The fact that she was entirely helpless, that there was nothing she could do for Snake but hope and pray, made her feel awful.  
  
She'd looked up at the bright sky, and pleaded with God. Please, please, let Snake be okay, she'd begged. I'll do anything if he gets better. Anything.  
  
She'd be a better daughter. She'd stop butting into other people's business as much. She'd try to patch things up with Manny, apologize for the terrible things that she'd said in the heat of the moment. She'd reach out to Chris, and be a better girlfriend. She'd be a better person period, whatever that meant.  
  
She'd give up Sean if she had to – that's how desperate she was.  
  
Emma had been bargaining with God all afternoon, which was more exhausting than it seemed but now she realized that she needed to be with her family. She needed to hold her mother's hand, rock Jack to sleep, sit beside Snake's hospital bed and start the prayers all over again.  
  
Before the hospital, she wanted to stop at home and change her clothes. There were grass stains on her jeans and tiny leaves and blades of grass crushed into her sweater. Part of her loved her messy clothes though, because they were evidence.  
  
Proof that Sean had really been with her earlier, that he'd really wanted her. It still felt like some silly dream. If the rest of her life wasn't falling apart, she'd been obsessing over that. Drawing big dumb hearts all over her notebook with Sean's name inside.  
  
Of course, the rest of her life was a mess, so there wasn't time to obsess over Sean.  
  
As she turned up the walkway to her house, Emma could just make out a figure sitting in the shadows of the porch. For a second, her heart beat faster, and she couldn't believe her luck, that Sean had come to find her just in time to walk her to the hospital.  
  
When she came closer though, the figure stood, and she tired to suppress the disappointment that flooded through her like a chill.  
  
Chris met her on the steps, taking her in his arms.  
  
"Are you all right, baby?" he whispered, stroking her hair. "I've been tryin' to find you since this morning."  
  
"I'm sorry," she said miserably. She felt tears burning her eyes. "I just needed to be alone. I needed some time to think."  
  
Emma clung to him tightly because, despite the teeny tiny fact that he wasn't Sean Cameron, Chris was still a great guy, who truly cared about her. She could feel it in the way that he held her, and she tried to take comfort in that. So often lately, she'd overlooked the way he felt about her simply because she didn't feel the same way back. That didn't really seem fair.  
  
"I talked to your mom," Chris told her. "She said your dad was in ICU. I'm really sorry, Emma."  
  
She nodded, and the tears started to creep down her cheeks.  
  
"I'm sorry for alotta things really," he said. His voice had a strange edge to it, something she'd never heard from him before, so Emma took a step back to look at him. She was stunned by the dark, guilty look in his eyes. "I mean, I know what a tough time you've been goin' through with your dad and everything, and I haven't really been there for ya. I haven't spent enough time with ya, and I'm really sorry about that."  
  
Emma hung her head. She felt like a criminal, so selfish and guilty.  
  
"Chris, you haven't done –"  
  
"No. No, Em. Don't let me off the hook." He bent down to softly kiss her cheek. "But I'm gonna make it up to you. I promise you that it's all gonna change. Startin' right now."  
  
Emma nodded, feeling overwhelmed. She wanted to scream, and she wanted to cry. She wanted Sean with her too, but she tried to block that out.  
  
"I'm gonna go with you to the hospital, a'ight? So you don't have to be alone."  
  
"I want to change my clothes," Emma said absently.  
  
Her messy clothes, which just minutes before she wanted to save forever, now just seemed so dirty. She wanted to burn them so she'd never have to look at them again.  
  
Chris reached out for her hand, and led her up the steps to the front door.  
  
"I've always thought you were strong, Em. One of the strongest people I know. But to go through all this and to do it alone..." He shook his head. "You are amazin' to me."  
  
"I'm really not that amazing, Chris."  
  
He stopped her in the doorway, cupping her face with his hands and tilting her head back to look up at him.  
  
"I know what's going on here, Em. You're not foolin' me."  
  
She felt her mouth go dry, and her blood run cold.  
  
"You're scared," Chris said, after a moment of painful silence. "You're scared about your dad. But don't worry, baby. I'm gonna be with you now. You don't have to go through anything else all by yourself."  
  
He kissed her gently then, but Emma didn't really feel it. She slipped out of his arms, and went inside to change her clothes.  
  
- x –  
  
It was quiet in the park, and there was little light, since the sun had gone down and only a couple of streetlights had turned on. Craig sat on a bench, staring up at the dark sky. He'd spent almost three hours chopping onions and carrots, and his fingers felt like they'd been rubbed raw.  
  
All in all, the gang had made three casseroles and two pans of lasagna, using Marco's mother's recipe. Ashley and Ellie had even made some sort of banana bread. They'd loaded all the stuff into a box, and Ashley and Paige were going to drop it off at Emma's some time tonight.  
  
Craig felt like he should have offered to go along, but he'd stayed silent. Ash wouldn't have wanted to go with him, and he couldn't face Emma or her mother. Not right now.  
  
Now, on his way home, he'd crashed on a park bench to try to get a grip. He felt seriously out of control, like he was only one step away from running down the streets, screaming like a lunatic.  
  
He knew that when he got home, Joey would probably be at the hospital. Caitlin and Angie were probably with him. The house would be big and empty, and he couldn't go back there just yet. Craig needed to get his crap together first.  
  
The park was virtually deserted, since it was dinner time and families were inside, eating together and being close, so Craig felt like he was the only person on earth. All alone with his stupid thoughts.  
  
Until, of course, Sean Cameron came down the street, spotted Craig sitting on the bench, and sat down beside him.  
  
Craig hadn't really thought about Ellie, about what it felt like to hold her hand and have her whisper in his ear, for over an hour, but he still felt like Sean knew exactly what was going on inside his head and beat the crap out of him because of it.  
  
Sean had been wearing that stupid ski cap all the time lately, like some wannabe tough guy. Craig hadn't really given much thought to Sean and his wardrobe choices, but suddenly it seemed like such a pathetic, insecure thing.  
  
"Hey man," Sean said quietly. He seemed kind of edgy too, like he was battling something of his own. "Have you seen Ellie around? I've been trying to track her down and so far, no luck."  
  
Why was Sean asking him? Did he know that he and Ellie had actually been talking lately, spending time together, becoming friends? Did he suspect something more?  
  
Not that anything had happened, Craig quickly reminded himself.  
  
"I thought she might be with Paige and those guys," Sean said. "And since you hang out with them I figured ... "  
  
"Yeah. Actually we were all over at Paige's earlier. We made some food to take over to Emma and her mom since .. you know ... I mean, you heard about Mr. Simpson, right?"  
  
Sean nodded sadly.  
  
"Yeah, well, we thought ... I mean, we want to let them know that we're thinking of them, so food seemed like a good idea." Craig told him. "I mean, people are always trying to force food on you when something terrible happens so it seemed to make sense."  
  
Sean was quiet for a moment, leaning back against the bench and studying the sky.  
  
"Sometimes it doesn't really matter you do, as long as you do something," he said finally. "It's just important to show that you care, that you want to help even if there's nothing real you can do. To let them know that you're thinking of them. All the time."  
  
Sean spoke quietly but intensely. Craig felt like he was missing something, like Sean was talking in code or something. He nodded anyway, just out of habit.  
  
"It seems crazy," Sean continued. "That Simpson might die. I mean, it doesn't seem real."  
  
Craig nodded. "I know. I guess I thought he'd just pull through. I didn't think about the whole worst case scenario because it was just too much."  
  
Sean sighed, looking regretful.  
  
"Simpson's always been pretty decent to me. I don't know..." he said.  
  
Craig nodded again. "He's pretty good to everyone. He's gonna be missed, that's for sure."  
  
Craig almost couldn't recognize his own voice; it sounded so hollow and flat. Sean shook his head, like he still couldn't believe what was going on. He looked over at Craig with a guilty, pained expression on his face.  
  
"I was such an asshole to Emma when he first got sick," he said quietly. "I mean, I actually got mad at her because she was spending more time at home than with me." He laughed bitterly. "I think about that now, and I feel like shit. I mean, it's a cliché but things like this, they make you realize what's really important. Not all the bullshit that you get caught up and start to think really matters."  
  
Craig listened to him speak, feeling strange. He understood Sean. Despite all the crap he'd been pulling lately with Jay, the old Sean that Craig knew was still inside somewhere. Craig had gotten it into his head that he was the enemy for some reason. As if Sean would blow a gasket if he knew that Craig and Ellie had become friends (because that's all they were, Craig told himself. Friends). Now he realized that he and Sean had more in common that he'd thought. It almost scared him.  
  
"We all make mistakes," Craig said. "I mean, just go talk to Ash. You'll realize why I feel like shit most days."  
  
Sean looked over at Craig, frowning in sympathy.  
  
"Yeah, I can imagine," he said. "Girls... they really have a way of driving you crazy. Even when they don't mean to."  
  
Sean shook his head, and leaned back to look up at the sky. Craig looked along with him. It was such a dark blue now that it was almost black.  
  
"Speaking of girls..." Craig said. "I've been thinking a lot about Emma."  
  
Sean sat up in a hurry, looking over at Craig intensely. She was probably still a sore subject with him, since they'd broken up so badly and hadn't really talked to each other since.  
  
"What do you mean?" Sean asked.  
  
"Well, you know, I was with her when she finally tracked down her dad. Her biological dad. You know?"  
  
Sean nodded, looking at Craig like his every word was crucially important.  
  
"I know how hard that was for her. How important it was for her at the time too." Craig sighed. "Afterwards I think she realized how she lucky she was to have Simpson in her life. That maybe they didn't share the same DNA or whatever, but he was a father in every way that really counted. This has gotta be killing her."  
  
In front of them, a woman passed by, walking a dog. They both watched her go before speaking again.  
  
"You know, my parents have been outta my life for so long now, I hardly think of them anymore," Sean said finally. "And now my brother's gone too, and I'm on my own, and that's just the way it is."  
  
He shrugged. Craig thought he might know how Sean felt. Both his parents were gone, and if it wasn't for Joey and Angie, he'd be on his own too. He was that close to being in Sean's position.  
  
"But for someone like ... For Emma, it's different," Sean continued. "She just feels so much for the people that she cares about, and I really don't know how she's gonna deal with all of this."  
  
Craig listened to Sean's words, and absorbed them. He really did understand Sean, which was kind of frightening.  
  
"You become numb," Craig whispered.  
  
Sean looked over at him, stunned. It seemed like he was realizing too how much he and Craig had in common, that they really could understand each other. Sean stayed silent, though, which made Craig uncomfortable.  
  
"I mean, that's what you were saying basically, right?" he asked Sean quickly, trying to get the conversation back on track.  
  
Sean nodded. "Yeah. I guess I was."  
  
"I don't want to see that happen to Emma," Craig said. He thought of her, how she reacted to everything, even the stupidest little things, like the world was going to end, with so much excitement and fire. He didn't want her to lose everything that made her who she was. "I've done so many stupid things lately, and I wonder if it's all connected to everything that went on with my family. I don't want to Emma to go through that."  
  
Sean nodded again, looking thoughtful.  
  
"Me too," he sighed.  
  
Sean and Emma's relationship may have crashed and burned as bad as his and Ashley's, but Craig could tell that underneath it all, Sean still cared about Emma very much. You can't just turn feelings on and off like a switch, Craig thought. Like with me and Ellie...  
  
Sean sat up, leaning forward to stare at the ground in front of him.  
  
"You think she's gonna be okay?" he asked, quietly. He sounded almost afraid.  
  
"She's got Chris," Craig mused. "I'm sure he'll look out for her."  
  
Sean looked back at Craig over his shoulder. It seemed like his eyes were narrowed, but in the shadows, Craig couldn't be sure. Sean apparently didn't believe that things were going to be all right for Emma, and Craig couldn't exactly blame him for being bitter.  
  
Life was usually pretty fucking unfair.  
  
"I think that knowing someone cares, really cares, and isn't going to let you fall apart can help," Craig said anyway, trying to convince both of them. "It helped me... for a while anyway."  
  
Sean nodded. "I know what you mean."  
  
When Sean leaned back and stared up at the moon, which was just starting to rise, Craig noticed something strange in his eyes. It made him look pretty sad, Craig thought, like he was the one who was losing his father, not Emma.  
  
"So, you think Ellie is still at Paige's?" Sean asked suddenly, as if he'd finally remembered why he'd come to talk to Craig in the first place.  
  
Craig shook his head. "She headed home before I left, so she's probably there."  
  
"I just checked there. No luck."  
  
Craig shrugged, not understanding why he should know better where Sean's girlfriend was. He started to fidget, hoping Sean would just take off. Whatever understanding they'd had moments before seemed long gone.  
  
"I guess I'll just see her tomorrow," Sean said flatly.  
  
Craig felt an irrational burst of jealousy go through him. Sean could see Ellie whenever he wanted, without having any reason, and he was just going to wait until tomorrow. If he had a girl like Ellie – if Craig had Ellie – he wouldn't waste a single minute. He'd be with her as much as possible, without being some kind of psycho stalker of course. Instead, Sean had wasted fifteen minutes sitting in the park talking to him. Clearly he didn't understand how good he had it.  
  
"Well, I'm gonna get going," Sean announced, standing up. "See you around."  
  
"Yeah. See you later, man."  
  
Craig watched as Sean, in his stupid ski cap and hooded sweatshirt disappeared into the growing darkness. He'd been friends with Sean once, pretty good friends actually, so he knew that Sean wasn't a bad guy. And Ellie wouldn't be with him at all if he was a real jerk. But Craig couldn't shake the feeling that Sean just didn't deserve her, that she'd be better off without him. Right now, he had a sinking feeling that Ellie would only get hurt by Sean.  
  
But obviously she was really into Sean. She was still with him, wasn't she? She always got the cute little smile on her face when she saw him. Maybe it was even love. Craig wasn't about to get in the middle of that.  
  
He sighed, looking up at the stars that had started to appear overhead. He thought about making a wish, just this one time, but it was too stupid for even him, so he forced himself to get and finally go home.  
  
- x - 


	14. Lose Control

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.

a/n: I apologize big time for the delay in updating. The summer has gone by so fast and I haven't been able to keep up. I promise to keep to a better schedule in the future. And thanks to everyone who's reading along and reviewing. Especially everyone who emailed to ask for an update. You guys definitely inspire me!

- x -

Whenever she thought that things couldn't possibly get any worse, life had a way of slapping her right in the face with more. It would almost be funny if it didn't hurt so much.

Everywhere she went, Emma could feel people watching her. They stared at her and searched her face for signs of pain and sadness. She felt like an exhibit in a museum, or worse, an attraction in a freak show. No one had the guts to come up to her and actually talk to her, though. Even JT and Toby had kept their distance all morning, looking at her with sad, pitying eyes.

She didn't know how much more of this she could take.

Emma stood on line in the cafeteria and tried to block it all out. She'd spent all weekend at the hospital, sitting beside Snake's bed during visiting hours, sitting in the waiting room with Jack when they were over. When Snake was awake, Emma would talk to him, tell him about what was going on at school, how the MI sub was doing, what stupid jokes JT had played recently. When he was sleeping, she and her mother would sit there in silence, taking turns soothing Jack when he got cranky.

Chris had kept her company sometimes too, holding her hand and just being quiet. He brought her tea sometimes and tissues when she cried. His being there should have made her feel better, but it hadn't worked. Instead she'd felt like the most awful person in the world, totally undeserving of any of Chris' attention or concern. She felt especially bad when she went home at night and cried on Sean's shoulder because she felt so much better when she was with him. Sean made her feel safe in a way that Chris just couldn't, and Emma just couldn't pretend otherwise.

But neither of them had the power to really fix things for her. Snake hadn't slipped into a coma, as the doctors had feared, and he was pretty much holding his own. But the cancer was still there, and the doctors didn't seem especially hopeful.

Her mother had sent her back to school today because she didn't think that there wasn't any point in Emma missing her classes when Snake's condition probably wouldn't change. "You shouldn't sit around here all day when you could be learning," her mother had said. "Besides, it'll take your mind off all this for a while."

Emma knew that there was nothing that would take her mind off Snake, but she'd come to school because her mother wanted her to. She paid for her iced tea, and walked quickly across the cafeteria so she could escape all the stares and whispers.

"Hey Emma!" she heard someone call, just as she was almost to the exit. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

Emma turned and saw Ashley sitting at a nearby table with Ellie. They'd both finished their lunches, but seemed to be talking quietly. Emma felt a headache coming on, hard and fast, as she tried to imagine sitting across a table from Ellie, meeting her eyes and pretending that Sean was just some another guy. It would be like torture, cruel or unusual punishment.

But it would have been worse to make a scene and refuse to talk to Ashley, so Emma sat down across from her, totally avoiding looking at Ellie, and prayed that the conversation would be short.

"I had an idea for SITE that I wanted to talk to you about before our next meeting," Ashley said quietly.

She seemed nervous, as if she was afraid of offending Emma. She probably wanted to ask about Snake but couldn't find the words.

"Great," Emma said, faking enthusiasm. "What's the idea?"

She sneaked a peek over at Ellie, who was scribbling something in a notebook. She seemed totally uninterested in the conversation, which relieved Emma for some reason. At least Ellie didn't suspect anything.

"Well, all our projects have focused on environmental concerns outside the school. You know, more global issues," Ashley said. "But if we really want to raise awareness, I think we need to get students thinking about environmental issues on a daily basis."

Emma nodded, and smiled to encourage Ashley to continue. Inside, though, she was thinking, 'My father's dying. Who gives a damned about endangered species or rain forests?'

"I think we should talk to Raditch about setting up a recycling program here at Degrassi. We could raise money to buy bins for cans and plastics here in the cafeteria. And we could have boxes placed in the classrooms for recycling paper and stuff. This way, kids would be taking an active part in helping the environment."

"That's a great idea, Ashley," Emma said. "Really."

She might not care about the environment right now, but she could still appreciate someone else's passion.

"I'm glad you like," Ash said, smiling. "I'll try to set up a meeting with Raditch sometime this week."

Emma nodded absently. She felt so uncomfortable just sitting at the same table with Ellie that she couldn't think about much else. When she looked up, she realized that Ashley was looking at her with sad, sympathetic eyes. Ashley looked around quickly, as if to see if anyone was listening, then leaned across the table.

"Emma," she whispered. "How are things at home?"

This got Ellie's attention, who put her pen down, and discreetly looked at Emma too, with the same pitying look that Ashley wore. God, please don't make this any worse, Emma thought. Don't make me feel even more guilty.

"Not so good," she admitted. She felt like she had to push her voice out from somewhere deep inside her. "The chemo doesn't seem to be working anymore, so ..."

Emma looked down, feeling tears welling up in her eyes. She couldn't break down, not here in the cafeteria, in front of the entire school. Not sitting across from Ellie. From Sean's girlfriend.

"I'm really sorry," said Ellie, in a soft, quiet voice that was both sincere and sympathetic.

Emma forced herself to look over at Ellie and nod.

"Me too," Ashley whispered. "If you need anything, Emma, like someone to talk to or whatever, just ask."

No, I'm fine, Emma wanted to say. I'm just using Ellie's boyfriend to get through all of this. Hope that's okay.

She took a deep breath instead, and nodded again.

"Thanks," she mumbled. "And tell everyone that my mother really appreciated the food you guys brought over. You really shouldn't have gone to all that trouble but it was very thoughtful."

Ellie and Ashley nodded solemnly, and the three girls sat there, awkwardly silent, for what felt like hours. Emma tried to think of a way to get away quickly, without bringing any attention to herself.

But then, Ellie suddenly sat up straighter, saying 'Oh,' under her breath. She waved at someone beyond Emma's shoulder, then called, "Sean, hey! Over here!"

Emma felt her heart explode inside her chest, saw her life flash before her eyes. It was like some terrible nightmare. She wanted to run, screaming, from the cafeteria now, before she actually had to look at Sean with Ellie sitting right there beside him.

Really, this was probably just the universe's way of punishing her. She'd been selfish and awful for weeks now, and she acted like she was entitled to behave that way because her father was dying. Sure, she was going through a terrible, unfair thing, but that didn't give her the right to ruin someone else's life. That didn't give her the right to break Chris and Ellie's hearts.

Emma stared down at her lap, hoping the ground would open beneath her and swallow her whole.

"Hey," she heard Sean say in a quiet, careful voice. Even without looking at him, she could tell that he was wondering what the hell was going on, why Ellie and Emma were sitting together in the cafeteria like the best of friends.

"Do you have a minute?" Ellie asked. "Sit down."

Emma forced herself to look up. Sean sat beside Ellie, but angled his body so he wouldn't have to look in Emma's direction. She couldn't bear to look at the two of them together either, so she stared at the table top instead. That only made things worse, as she saw Ellie reach out and grab Sean's hold. Emma felt sick to her stomach.

"I'm sorry that I didn't get to see you this weekend," Ellie told Sean. "We were working on a couple new songs for the band, and then Ash and I had an English project to work on, so I was swamped."

"It's fine," Sean said, sounding distracted.

The table was quiet for a long moment, so Emma seized the opportunity. Without looking anyone in the eye, she said, "I've gotta go," and bolted from the table as quickly as possible.

As she walked off, she heard Ashley say, "I feel so bad for her," and Ellie reply, "I know."

Emma didn't hear Sean say a word.

- x –

In gym, they were supposed to be playing volley ball, but Coach Armstrong had been called to talk to Raditch. Unsupervised, the boys all just stood around, talking and goofing off.

Craig leaned back against the bleachers, and looked around. Spinner was trying to prove that he could walk across the floor on his hands, while Jimmy and Marco were trying their hardest to knock him over. Craig looked over on the other side of the net, and noticed Sean, slumped against the wall with his arms crossed and a pretty nasty scowl on his face. He hadn't taken off his stupid ski cap for gym class. What? Did he sleep in the damned thing, Craig wondered. It was bizarre.

But whatever his clothing habits were, Sean looked pretty pissed off about something. He glared across the room, where JT and Toby sat with Chris Sharpe near the water fountain. They were having an animated conversation about something, as JT waved his hands through the air comically, and Toby and Chris laughed loud and hard. Sean looked like he wanted to break someone's neck, pound his fist into someone's face. Craig felt stupidly grateful that it wasn't him that Sean was looking at with such anger.

All of a sudden, Sean started to walk across the gym, stopping at the water fountain for a drink. Craig watched as he backed up and bumped right into Chris, hard. Chris turned, clearly confused, and found Sean snarling at him.

"Watch it," Sean growled.

Craig had watched the whole thing, and he could tell that Sean had run into Chris on purpose, though he couldn't figure out why.

"What's your problem?" Chris asked, annoyed.

"My problem?" Sean shook his head. "You're my fucking problem."

Chris frowned in disgust. "Give me a break."

He started to turn, back to Toby and JT, when Sean just seemed to snap and slammed Chris against the wall. He grabbed fistfuls of his shirt

"You got something to say to me?" Sean demanded, his face turning red. He grabbed fistfuls of Chris' shirt, and slammed Chris against the wall again. "Fucking say it to my face, asshole."

Chris was caught off-guard, and lamely tried to push Sean off. He didn't do a very good job of it, and it seemed like Sean wanted to do some serious damage. Craig looked over at Jimmy, who seemed to read the situation the same way, and together they ran across the room and tried to pull Sean off Chris. Sean was determined though, and it took a serious effort to break them apart.

"You're crazy, man," Chris shouted, straightening his shirt.

"Go to hell," Sean said as he stormed off. He pushed the doors to the gym open and let them slam behind him.

"You okay?" Jimmy asked Chris.

"I'm fine. Thanks, guys."

Jimmy and Craig headed back over to the other side of the gym, where Spinner and Marco stood, watching.  
  
"Is it just me, or has Sean Cameron become a total psycho?" Spinner asked.

"The guy's always been nuts," Jimmy said. "But he's gotten a whole lot worse since he started hanging out with Jay and his crew."

"He's definitely got some anger management issues," Marco added, looking concerned. "I mean, what was all that about? Seriously?"

The four of them shook their heads, none of them having an answer.

"I hope Ellie knows what she's gotten herself into," Spinner said finally.

"You think he'd hurt her?" Marco asked, alarmed.

"I don't know about physically," Jimmy said. "But he sure knows how to screw a girl up. Ask Emma about that."

Craig felt guilty all of a sudden. He knew that Sean wasn't a total jerk. They'd been friends once, after all. And if people were going to talk about what Sean had supposedly done to Emma, then what were people saying about him and Ash? Him and Manny? He couldn't stand by and hear Sean get trashed when he deserved it even more.

"I don't know, guys," Craig said finally. "I think deep down, Sean's a good guy. He just... you know—"

"Spare me," Jimmy said. "He's a total fuck-up."

"Speaking of Emma," Spinner said. "Anyone heard anything about Mr. Simpson?"

The guys continued talking, but Craig stopped listening. He wondered if Ellie really was going to wind up hurt by Sean. It's not your problem, Craig reminded himself. But for some reason, he couldn't help worrying.

- x –

Sean sat on the floor in front of his locker, trying to catch his breath. The adrenaline was still rushing through his body, making him want to put his fist through a wall or smash something to pieces.

He could always sense when he was about to lose control like this, but there was never anything that he could do to stop it. He'd been standing there in gym, feeling bored and annoyed, and for some reason, he couldn't stop staring at that stupid punk ass Chris Sharpe. The guy stood there, laughing like an idiot at something JT was saying, as if he didn't have a care in the world.

For fuck's sake, Sean screamed inside his head. The guy had spent all weekend with Emma at the hospital, Sean knew, watching her cry and worry about her father, and now he was going around like nothing was wrong, that he didn't even remember what Emma had looked like with tears in her eyes and a broken heart.

Sean had spent two nights with her over the weekend himself, and he didn't think he'd ever get the image of her crying herself to sleep out of his head. There was nothing he could do for her, and he hated feeling so helpless. It made him want to kick someone's ass. He'd feel better if he just did that ...

But Sean had tried to tell him to relax. So Chris wasn't taking this as hard as he should be. That's not my problem, he told himself. But really, it was his problem. Everything that involved Emma these days was his problem.

All he'd wanted was to beat Chris' smiling face into a bloody pulp. He'd feel better then.

But he hadn't been able to get that far, and now he just felt stupid, frustrated, and even more helpless. He buried his face in his hands, wishing desperately that all of this would just go away.

"Come on, Cameron," a voice said from above him. "It can't be that bad."

Sean looked up to find Jay smirking at him. This was the last thing that he needed right now.

"I am not in the mood, man, so just leave me alone."

"Wow, you _are _in a bad way. It's gotta be about a girl," Jay laughed. "So which one is it? The red head? Or the blonde?"

"Fuck off, Jay."

Jay leaned back against the wall, looking pensive. He clearly had no intention of leaving.

"I gotta tell you, man... you've got pretty crappy taste in women. I mean, both of them are more trouble than they're worth. Unless they're more into **giving** than I realized..." He smiled in a slimey way.

Sean stood in a hurry, blooding rushing to his head. Without giving Jay any warning, he slammed him against the wall.

"If you don't shut up, I—"

"Hey! There you are! I've been looking fucking everywhere for you."

Both Jay and Sean turned to the end of the hall, where Alex came running from.

"What the hell is this?" she asked, indicating Sean's hold on Jay.

Reluctantly Sean let go and stepped back.

"You must be thirsty for blood for today," Alex said to Sean. "I just heard you roughed up that dumb ass DJ kid in the gym or something."

Jay tipped his head back, laughing loud and deep.

. "Oh, I see how it is now," he said. "It _is_ the blonde. Mr. Hip Hop getting a little too up close and personal with your precious Emma? Didn't your mommy ever teach you to share your toys, Cameron?"

"Shut the fuck up!" Sean barked.

"You're messing around with that loser again? Come on, Sean," Alex said. "I mean, not that the other one is any better. She's big time scary."

Sean threw his head back, feeling his blood boil. He was going to explode. He could feel it. He took a deep breath, and tried to get himself under control.

"That's fucking it," he said, as calmly as he could manage. "I'm done with you, okay? All of you. Leave me the hell alone. Leave Ellie alone. Leave Emma alone. Got it?"

"Come on, man," Jay said. "You're freaking out over nothing. We're just messing around with you. No big deal."

Sean shook his head. He was in no mood for this crap. Really, he hadn't been in the mood to deal with Jay and all of them for a while now. Today, though, a line had been crossed.

"Listen," Jay said. "Let's go take a ride. I know a place where—"

Sean let out a loud, bitter laugh. "What is wrong with me?" he said. "I can't believe it took me this long to realize what a loser you are."

Jay stopped dead in his tracks, and seemed to turn red. His jaw was clenched tight and his eyes narrowed into dark slits. He stepped closer to Sean, so he was right in his face.

"I don't care what your little girlfriends told you to make you think you're better than us, Cameron," Jay said quietly. "But you're just like us. You're ONE of us. You can fight it all you want but it doesn't matter."

"Fuck you," Sean growled. "I'm nothing like you. And I don't want to be."

Jay shook his head, snarling like a wild animal.

"You're making a big mistake, Cameron," he said. "You don't want me for one of your enemies. You should know that by now."

"I'm not one of those losers who's afraid of you, Jay."

Sean started to walk away, back toward the locker room to change out of his gym clothes.

"You should be," Jay called after him. "Cause I don't forget things like this."

Sean ignored him, and kept walking. These days, Jay and his threats were just one more problem to add to a long, long list. And really, Sean had more important things to worry about.


	15. Barely Breathing

Disclaimer – I still don't own any of these characters.

a/n – Thanks to everyone who's still reading along with the story. I know haven't been that timely about getting the updates posted, but I am definitely going to finish this story. Even if it takes me forever. :) Hope you like this new chapter.

- x -

"I'm still not gettin' this whole electronegativity thing. It's hopeless."

Emma looked over at Chris. He lay across the foot of her bed with his face buried in his chemistry textbook. He scratched his head, yawning and looking overwhelmed.

It was Friday night, and instead of being out and having fun, they were studying for Tuesday's chemistry test together. It was pathetic. Absolutely pathetic.

Snake had been in the ICU for a week now, and his condition had not changed. In a way it was good news, since he hadn't gotten any worse. But it also meant that he hadn't gotten any better, and the doctors hadn't become any more hopeful. Emma had been spending virtually all of her free time at the hospital, but her mother thought it wasn't healthy. She'd practically forced Emma to stay home tonight.

"Relax," her mother had said. "Do some normal teenage stuff. You deserve it."

She'd even gotten Joey and Caitlin to watch Jack, so Emma was truly free.

Too bad she didn't feel like it.

When she'd told Chris that she wasn't going to spend the night at the hospital, he insisted on hanging out with her. She'd tried to put him off, just wanting some time alone, so she'd told him that she was just going to stay in and study for Tuesday's test. She thought that would get him off her back, but he'd said that was fine. He needed to study too, so they could just do it together. She'd sighed quietly, but gave him a flimsy smile. Chris was trying to be nice, and there was no way she could purposely be cruel to him.

But there was the dark little part inside of her that resented him. She'd told herself she wanted to be alone but that wasn't the entire truth. She hated every second that she was spending with Chris because it was a second that she could have been spending with Sean.

It was official – she'd become a terrible, selfish person. She didn't know when or how it had happened but it seemed like it was too late to do anything about it. It was like she'd been infected with some kind of disease, just like Snake, and now she could only wait for it to kill her.

Emma sat on her bed with Chris, supposedly studying, but she couldn't really concentrate. Every time she tried to read a line, she pictured Snake in his hospital bed or her mother crying beside him. Sometimes, she thought about poor Jack, growing up without a father like she had. Other times, she pictured Sean, tried to make him appear before her through the force of her thoughts alone.

Then she'd look over at Chris – adorable, clueless Chris – and wonder why she couldn't be grateful for him, for all the things he tried to do for her. It wasn't Chris' fault that he wasn't Sean Cameron after all. Why was she holding that against him?

"Hey, Em. Wanna take a break?" Chris asked. "I think I'll go crazy if I look at another covalent bond."

Emma yawned. "Sure."

Chris stood, stretching his arms above his head.

"How 'bout some music?"

She nodded absently, and watched as Chris walked over to her stereo. He flipped through radio stations until he found one that he liked.

"Man, I love this song," he declared.

She remembered it herself from a time when she'd gone to see him spinning, back before Snake had gotten so sick and everything in her life had gotten so weird. It seemed like another lifetime.

"Dance with me, Emma," Chris said, holding out his hand.

She shook her head. "No. I'm not in the mood."

"Come on. You need a break."

He danced over to her, and she had to admit once again that he was absolutely adorable, so sweet and gentle. She let him pull her off the bed, and dance her across the room. She felt a little stupid and a little self-conscious, but she went along with it because that was easier than fighting it.

"See... I'd knew you wanted to dance," Chris laughed.

She smiled, and it almost felt natural.

As they danced over to the center of the room, Emma noticed a shadow moving in the far corner beyond the stairs. She looked over to the window, and saw a pair of black boots. Immediately she knew who they belonged to.

Her heart pounded inside her chest like a wild drum beat, and she felt her hands starting to shake. She hoped Chris wouldn't notice. This is what panic attacks feel like, she thought wildly.

"Something wrong?" Chris asked. He was still dancing, but his eyes had a dark, serious look.

Emma stopped dancing, and stood still. She could feel Chris' arms around her, and she had to look at the floor so the guilt wouldn't overwhelm her.

"I'm just ... I'm just really tired," she said. It was amazing how easily the lies came out of her these days. It was like she was developing a new talent. "I'm just really tired all of a sudden."

"You okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine," she said. "I just think I need to get some sleep. I'm about to crash. Hard."

"Okay." Chris nodded. It seemed like he wanted to say something but was holding himself back. "Yeah, you should get some sleep. We can finish studying some other time."

He moved to gather his books and grab his jacket. She watched Chris for a long minute, feeling awful.

But when Emma peeked back at the window, the feet were still there, waiting, and she felt a surge of anticipation go through her.

"I'm gonna go, okay?" Chris said quietly. "Call me if you need anything, Em. Anything, okay?"

He leaned down to kiss her gently on the lips.

"I'll lock the door on my way out. You get some rest."

She watched him walk up the stairs, trying not to feel excited. As soon as he closed the basement door behind him, she felt like she could breathe easier. She waited until she heard the front door slam above her before she headed for the window and pushed it open.

Sean crawled through, looking a little embarrassed.

"Hey," he said, meeting her eyes. "You know, you didn't have to make –"

"I wanted to," she told him emphatically.

Sean nodded, and smiled faintly. When he looked up into her eyes, she felt like all the pieces of her life had finally clicked into place again, and the world made sense.

- x –

It was bound to happen sooner or later, but the fact that he had practically walked in on Emma with Chris still made Sean sick to his stomach. When he looked through the window and saw them dancing together, his first impulse was to run and never look back.

But there was this stubborn little voice inside him, one that said Chris didn't know a damned thing about how Emma really felt, that she'd been Sean's first and it didn't matter who she was with now because there was a part of her that would always belong to him.

So he'd stayed. Because that same part of him knew that as soon as Emma saw him standing there, she'd send Chris on his way and that would be that.

Conceited much?

She looked completely embarrassed when he came into the room, her cheeks flushed and her eyes shining.

He couldn't think of anything to say to her, though – not anything that didn't sound stupid or flippant – and the lame music on the radio was helping him think much. He moved over to the stereo and fiddled with the dial.

"This music sucks," he said. "I mean, it's worse than that angry rock chick stuff that you play all the time. You know, the stuff that's supposed to be so deep."

Emma shrugged, smiling.

Sean turned off the music off, and looked over at her bed. There some books and papers spread across it.

"You were studying?" he asked.

"Yeah." She smiled self-consciously. "That's my big exciting Friday night."

"I got you beat. I spent the last hour doing laundry. Real wild and crazy stuff."

Emma laughed, and she looked so pretty and happy in that minute. Sean watched as she cleared the books and notes from her bed, and sat down. He'd never been an expert in reading her thoughts and moods, but in the past week, he'd felt totally clueless. Since the afternoon at the ravine, she hadn't let him get too close to her, not close enough to touch her and definitely not close enough to kiss her. It seemed strange, since she was the one who had started things that afternoon, but Sean wasn't going to ask her about it. If he did, that would mean that they'd have to acknowledge what had happened, really talk about it, and with Ellie and Chris already caught in the middle, Sean couldn't handle the guilt.

The strange thing was that Emma still seemed happy when she saw him, relieved and excited. She _wanted_ to see him. And in the end, he couldn't stop coming around to her himself. He was worried about her, sure, but there was something more to it. She made him feel something that he hadn't felt in a long while. It was like an addiction now.

Sean sat down next to her carefully, afraid that he might scare her away.

"How's Simpson?" he asked.

"No change," she sighed. "But the doctors say that it doesn't mean that he's going to get any better. He's still in ICU."

"He hasn't gotten any worse, though?"

She shook her head. "No. And I'm really trying to stay positive but it's so hard. My mom made me stay home tonight. She said there was no reason for me to hang around there another night."

Sean nodded. He watched as Emma lay back on the bed, looking up at the ceiling, where the glow in the dark stars were. They weren't shining now, but there were still visible as Sean lay down beside her.

She looked so serious now, thinking about her father and her mother, probably thinking about poor clueless Chris too. He reached for her hand and held it against his chest. She turned toward him, smiling so sweetly. But she stayed back, like she didn't trust him not to kiss her or touch her more. Like she didn't trust herself either.

Suddenly the phone rang, shattering the perfect silence in the room. Emma groaned in annoyance, and reached across Sean to grab it. He tried not to move.

"Hello?" he heard her say.

She was draped across his body, and it felt like torture to him to have to lay there and not touch her.

"Hey mom... wait, hold on, I can't understand you... Slow down, slow down ... Just like that? I mean, he just ..."

Emma sat up, alarmed. Sean listened as her voice took on a panicked, hysterical edge.

"How long do they think... Oh god ... Mom, are you all right? ... Yeah, yeah ... I'm coming down there... No, no I can get there on my own ..."

He watched as tears started to slip down her cheeks. Emma quickly wiped them away, almost like she didn't want to admit they existed.

"Okay, mom... I'll be there soon ... Love you too..."

She turned off the phone and threw it down on the bed beside her. She was crying fully now, breathing hard, and buried her face in her hands. Sean leaned over and brushed back her hair, trying to get her to look at him.

"What happened, Em?" 

"My father ..." she sobbed. "He's got pneumonia now, because his immune system is so weak, and they think that because of his condition, he's not going to be able to fight it off. They told mom that he could be gone by the morning. Maybe sooner."

Sean felt like the world had turned upside down. They'd all been preparing for the worst, but somehow it had never seemed all that real to him. Now it was going to happen, maybe in a couple of hours. It was crazy. He couldn't even imagine what Emma wasa feeling.

"I'm so sorry, Em. I wish ..."

There was nothing to else to say. He hugged her to him, and she pressed her face into his neck, still sobbing.

"I have to go to the hospital," Emma whispered, struggling to get the words out. "I have to get there before ..."

Sean nodded.

"I'll take you," he told her. "It'll be all right, Em. I promise."

She shook her head wildly, clearly not believing him. Sean couldn't blame her – he didn't even believe it himself. He just held her tighter, and tried to block out the rest of the world.

- x –

Craig threw his head against the back of the sofa, and sighed. This was about the crappiest Friday night he'd had in a long time.

"Look, dude, I'm sorry, okay?" Spinner whispered. He offered him a bowl of pretzels. "Paige said that Ash wasn't gonna be here. She was supposed to go to some party for her aunt's birthday but it got cancelled at the last minute. I swear I didn't know!"

Spinner actually looked like he felt bad. Craig knew that it wasn't really Spinner's fault, but he wanted someone to blame. They were supposed to be having fun, watching cheesy horror movies and stuffing themselves with pizza. Instead, everyone was tense and uncomfortable because Ashley and Craig were in the same room together, and she kept giving him a look that would have killed a lesser guy.

Craig thought about leaving, but that would be letting Ashley win, and he was too stubborn for that. And Ellie was here. For some unknown reason, Ellie had agreed to spend the evening with Paige and the gang, and Craig couldn't stop staring at her. She looked so pretty in the blue light from the television.

God, he had it bad.

"You want another soda?" Spinner asked. He must really feel bad about all of this because he was going out of his way to be nice to Craig. "Some more popcorn or something?"

"I'm fine, Spin. Don't worry about it, all right?"

They were between movies, and Paige, Hazel, and Ashley were in the kitchen preparing more snacks. Spinner got up to help them out. In front of the TV, Ellie sat on the floor talking to Marco quietly. Craig tried not to look at her but it was impossible not to; his eyes just kept going back to her.

"You better watch it, man," Jimmy whispered to Craig as he sat down beside him.

"Watch what?"

"You're being a little too obvious, Craig." He nodded his head in Ellie's direction. "If I noticed, someone else is going to, and that's a whole hell of a lot of trouble there."

Craig sat up straighter, panicked.

"I don't know what you're talking –"

"Come on, man. You're a bad liar."

Craig threw his head back and closed his eyes. There was no point in fighting the truth. In a way, it was almost a relief to have someone else know.

"This is like the night from hell," he moaned. "Could it possibly get any worse?"

"Jimmy! We need you in here!" Hazel called from the kitchen. "Spinner's starting a fire in the microwave."

Jimmy rolled his eyes. "Right there, baby."

Suddenly, Craig was alone in the living room, with Marco and Ellie. He felt so uncomfortable that he almost wanted to leave. So what if he wanted to talk to Ellie? Was that so wrong? Why couldn't he just go up to her and start chatting? That wasn't a crime or anything. Then, why did he feel so guilty about it?

Craig looked over at Marco and Ellie again. They were laughing at something on the television, looking very happy and comfortable.

Craig discreetly leaned over to try to hear what they were talking about.

"Look at that guy's hair," Marco said, laughing. "It's gotta be three feet high!"

Ellie laughed. "Maybe four."

"So where's Sean tonight?" Marco asked her casually. "Couldn't stomach a night with your friends?"

Ellie looked at him pointedly, as if she objected to the idea that the people in this house were all her friends.

"He said he had 'stuff' to do, which probably means he's hanging out with Jay and his band of losers."

"What is up with him and those guys? Haven't you talked to him about it?"

"I'm his girlfriend, Marco, not his mother. I can't tell him what to do and who he can hang with."

Marco shrugged, and stood up.

"Be right back," he said. "Bathroom break."

Craig listened to Marco go up the stairs, and the others laughing in the kitchen. The living room was quiet. Ellie had her back to him, but it seemed like she wanted to talk to him. They sat there in silence for a long minute; Craig barely even moved. It was crazy.

Finally Ellie looked over at him, smiling self-consciously, acknowledging that they were alone in the room.

"You look like you're having a great time," she said dryly.

"Oh yeah, the time of my life," Craig sighed. "I don't know what's scarier – Freddy Krueger and his razor glove or the looks that Ashley has been giving me all night."

Ellie stood and sat on the couch beside him, smiling.

"You know Ash. Her bark is worse than her bite."

Craig actually found himself laughing. He felt better for the first time all night. Silence fell over the room again, and he tried to get his nerve up so he could really talk to her. There was so much he wanted to say to Ellie, but he wasn't sure he knew how.

"I've been meaning to thank you, you know," he told her finally.

"For what?"

"For listening to me last week. You know, about my parents and everything. I didn't really know how bad I needed to talk about all that until I was actually talking about it."

Ellie nodded. She lowered her head, but Craig could see a slight blush on her cheeks.  
  
"It wasn't a big deal."

"Well, it was for me," Craig whispered. "So thanks."

He smiled at her, and she smiled back, looking so unbelievably pretty in the dark room that he thought about kissing her. If he just leaned over a little bit ...

"The nachos have arrived!" Spinner announced suddenly, barreling into the room.

Craig and Ellie looked away from one another quickly, both feeling guilty, but Ash came in just behind Spinner, and Craig could tell that she'd seen the two of them together. And of course, she didn't like it. But Ellie didn't move off the couch, not even when the rest of the gang came back and settled down for the next movie.

"Put in one of the Friday the 13's," Paige demanded. "I just love a good hockey mask wearing psycho. I mean, at least Jason knows how to accessorize."

The opening credits of the movie were just starting when Craig's cell phone chirped inside his pocket. Everyone turned to look at him, pretending to be seriously annoyed. Except Ashley, who was truly seriously annoyed.

"Sorry guys," he said, looking at the display to see who was calling. "It's just Joey. I'll be a second."

"Pause it," Paige told Spinner.

Craig walked into the kitchen to take the call where it was quieter.

"What's up, Joey?" he asked.

As he listened to Joey's words, he felt a pit opening in his stomach. He couldn't speak, only nodding to himself, and pacing across the kitchen tile.

Finally he managed to find his voice.

"Yeah, sure, of course. I'll be right there."

When he turned off his phone, he felt like the sky was about to fall down on his head. He thought of Emma and her mom, and he just couldn't believe how unfair life could be at times.

In the living room, the guys were laughing. Spinner and Jimmy were in the midst of a popcorn fight, and Paige was talking a million miles a minute to Hazel about Heather Sinclair's bad dye job. Craig stumbled into the room, feeling dazed.

"Craig, man, what's wrong?" Spinner asked. "You look like someone ran over your dog or something."

He shook his head, trying to piece it all together.

"That was Joey," he told them again, stupidly. "I've got to go home. To watch Angie and Emma's brother. Joey and Caitlin are going into the hospital... Simpson is ... they think he might not make it through the night."

Craig heard someone gasp and someone else sigh, but he couldn't look at anyone's face. It would be too much. He grabbed his jacket, and dashed out the door before anyone could stop him.

- x -


	16. Closer to You

Disclaimer – I don't own any of these characters.

a/n – Again, thanks to everyone who's reading and reviewing the story. Special thanks to everyone's who emailed. I so appreciate your support.

- x -

Emma held her mother's hand as she cried quietly into a tissue. Caitlin sat on her other side, rubbing her back and making soothing sounds. Joey leaned against the far wall, looking both angry and afraid.

No one spoke.

They were waiting for the doctors to come back with test results -- Snake's blood count or something like that, Emma couldn't remember. The whole night was a blur, like a bad dream where nothing seemed real but it all hurt anyway.

When she arrived at the hospital and saw Snake, asleep in bed, she almost didn't recognize him. She'd seen him just the night before, and he'd been pale and weak then, but now he looked so much thinner, so much paler, so much more fragile. It was like death had come into the room and already started to do its work. She hadn't been able to stay with him, so she just kissed Snake's cheek and left as quickly as she could.

The only reason that she hadn't totally fallen apart, Emma thought, was because she knew that Sean was somewhere in the hospital. He'd made some excuse before they got to Snake's floor – something about getting her a drink or something – so that he wouldn't have to come with her. He probably didn't want to intrude on a family thing, and he probably didn't want to see Snake, so sick and weak. It was just as well since Emma didn't know how to explain to her mother that it was Sean at the hospital with her and not Chris.

But then again, given what her mother was going through, Emma probably could have shown up with Brad Pitt, and her mom wouldn't have noticed. Not that anyone could blame her.

Sean had gone off to get that drink an hour and a half ago but Emma hadn't seen him since. Joey told her that he'd passed by at one point, when she and her mother had gone for some fresh air, just to see how things were. Joey didn't seem to think it strange that Sean was there in the middle of the night, checking up on Emma and her family, but that was probably because he was so out of it too, essentially waiting for his friend to die.

Just ten or so minutes ago, Emma had thought she saw Sean at the other end of the hallway, looking around the corner, but he'd turned so quickly that she couldn't be sure it was him.

It didn't matter if it was or not. Emma knew he was still here somewhere, waiting for her. She could just feel it.

Finally, Snake's doctors, two older men with gray hair, emerged from his room. They looked very serious, like they'd never laughed once in their lives.

"Mrs. Simpson," the taller one said to her mother. She stood shakily, and wiped at her eyes. "We've given your husband antibiotics to treat his pneumonia but with his immune system compromised the way that it is, it's tough to predict how he'll react."

The other doctor stepped forward. "We've gone over his most recent test results, and it appears that he's not responding to the treatment. His blood count has been holding steady, so the leukemia doesn't appear to have advanced, but we have to be realistic here."

Emma watched her mother wipe away fresh tears, nodding slowly.

"We know how hard this is for a family," the first doctor said. "But we want you to be prepared, to understand. The next twelve hours will critical, and we'll be better able to assess his condition then. But it doesn't look good, Mrs. Simpson."

Emma's mother covered her face with her hands, sobbing quietly. The doctors frowned sympathetically; they didn't seem uncomfortable, though, probably because they'd gone through scenes like this a million times before.

Caitlin stepped forward, and thanked them, as Joey helped her mother over to a chair. Emma sat there numbly, not knowing what to do or say.

"Spike," Caitlin whispered, as she crouched down in front of Emma and her mother. "They're doctors, but they're not all-knowing. You can't give up hope."

"That's all I've been clinging to!" her mother shouted. "Look where it's gotten us."

"We need to pray," Joey said quietly. "That's what we need to do."

Caitlin nodded. "Em, honey, why don't you go with Joey to the chapel? Say some prayers, all right?"

Emma stood without thinking, just going on auto-pilot.

She didn't know how much she had to say to God right now, since he'd pretty much let her down big time, but she went with Joey, leaving her mother crying in Caitlin's arms.

- x –

The thing about living on his own was that Sean could stay out all night whenever he wanted to, if he wanted to. He'd never thought that would mean spending an entire night in a hospital but his life was totally screwed up lately so it made a strange kind of sense.

He wandered the halls now, not knowing what to do. In his hand, he held a can of Dr. Pepper, Emma's favorite, that he was supposed to bring her hours ago. He'd been holding it for her so long, though, that it had gotten warm. She probably wouldn't want to drink it now.

When they'd gotten to the hospital, he couldn't bring himself to go up and see Mr. Simpson. It was just too much for him. And he thought that Emma should be with her mother, without him around making everyone uncomfortable. He'd have to go up and face her eventually, he knew, and when he ran into Joey outside the bathroom, and found out that Emma was alone in the hospital chapel, Sean decided that it was now or never.

When he finally found the chapel, it was dark inside, lit only by a bunch of thick white candles in the front. Emma sat in the front row, her head bowed. It was so quiet that it gave Sean the creeps. People only came to places like this when things were really bad, and the whole place had that kind of dark, depressing vibe to it.

He walked in as quietly as he could, not wanting to disturb Emma. She must have heard him, though, because when he sat down beside her, she didn't seem surprised.

"I got this for you," he said stupidly, handing her the can of soda. "I mean, it's warm now, but ..."

She took it from him, frowning. "Thanks."

"Are you okay?"

Emma shrugged, and Sean could see the tears wet in her eyes.

"Every day that he was here and didn't get any worse, I started to believe that the doctors were wrong, that he was going to pull through. But I was just being stupid and optimistic. I was just being so damned stupid."

"You've got to hope, Em. I mean, if you don't have that, how do you ever get through something like this?"

She looked over at him, looking stunned that Sean Cameron was preaching about hope. Truth be told, he was kind of surprised himself. Emma wiped at her eyes, and sighed.

"You know, the other day at the ravine, after you'd left, I made a promise to God," she said. "If Snake would just get better, if he'd make it through, then I would become a better daughter. I'd be a better friend and a better student. I'd just be a better person."

She was crying again, slow, heavy tears. Sean felt like an idiot because he didn't have any tissues for her.

"And I've tried, Sean. I've really tried. I've done everything my mom asked me to, and I tried to be better at school. I've tried to be better to Chris too, because he's been so good to me and deserves it. And with you ... "

She shook her head, sighing. When she looked at him, Sean felt it all the way to his heart. Even now, he found ways to hurt her without even knowing it, without meaning to. If he hadn't been hanging around her so much, maybe she wouldn't feel so bad, so guilty. That's why she hadn't let him kiss her again, he realized. She thought she'd be punished, that Snake wouldn't get better, if she let Sean get too close.

He looked away, toward the candles. He watched the wax drip down one of the sides.

"I've not to be so selfish," Emma whispered. "I thought it might... I thought then I'd deserve to have my father be all right, you know?" She laughed bitterly. "But it hasn't made any difference. Snake is still going to die."

Sean didn't know what to say. Life was so damned unfair that there wasn't any way to explain it. There wasn't any way to make her feel better.

"Emma—"

"And I get it now. Life is too short. It's too short to not do what you feel, in your heart, because we may not be here tomorrow. It can all be over, just like that."

"I guess," he told her.

quiet 

"My mother wants me to go home," she said. "She doesn't want to be here when ..." Emma shook her head furiously. "She thinks I can't handle it. And that makes me so angry, but I can't fight her. I mean, not when she's going through all of this. If she wants it this way then I'll go along with it."

Sean nodded, feeling utterly useless. What was he doing here if he couldn't help her, if he couldn't make things better for her?

Emma turned to him, her eyes so wide and dark, and her lips were all wet with tears. He didn't know what to say, so he leaned over and kissed her. It wasn't the most graceful kiss in the world, but he cut himself some slack considering the situation. He was surprised by how she responded, wrapping her arms around him tight and kissing him back desperately.

When they pulled apart, Emma was breathless and flushed, but she didn't look sorry. She looked around them, seeming to realize that they were in a place that wasn't exactly appropriate for a make out session.

"Will you come home with me?" she asked quietly. She tugged on the bottom of his jacket in a way that his heart beat faster.

"Yeah," he said, without thinking.

If Emma's world was ending, then he had to be there by her side. He couldn't be anywhere else.

- x –

Sometime after six a.m., Craig woke up to the sound of the phone ringing. He'd fallen asleep on the couch, with Jack sleeping nearby in his car seat. He didn't know much about taking care of babies, but Jack was really no trouble. He'd slept mostly, and there'd only been two diapers to change. Craig could handle that.

Especially considering what Jack's father was going through.

Groggily, he reached for the phone, and hit the on button.

"Hello?" he said.

"Craig! It's me!" Joey sounded like he'd won the lottery. "Listen, Snake's pneumonia is finally starting to respond to the drugs! His leukemia is still advancing, but it looks like he's out of the woods for the moment."

"That's great!" Craig said. "That's amazing news!"

"Yeah, it's like miracle or something. He's still in pretty bad shape, but we're not losing him yet."

Craig closed his eyes, feeling immensely relieved. He knew how hard it would be for Joey to lose his best friend. At least they'd be able to spend another day together ...

"I want you to do me a favor, though, all right?" Joey continued. "Give Emma a call at home. She should be awake because her mom's been calling home to let her know what's going on. Tell her that you're gonna keep Jack until about noon when I get home, okay? Tell her not to worry about having to get him."

"Okay. Sure thing."

"You don't mind, do you?"

"Come on, Joey. How could I?"

"You're a good guy, Craig. I'll see you soon."

Craig hung up the phone, smiling stupidly to himself. He looked over at Jack, who was starting to stir in his seat.

"Hey big guy, looks like your dad is gonna be all right," he told the baby. Under his breath, though, he whispered, "For now anyway."

It was definitely great news that Simpson wasn't going to die any time soon, but Craig couldn't help thinking that it was only delaying the inevitable, that it would be just as hard if it happened tomorrow, a week from now, next year. The truth was that it was never easy to lose someone that you loved. You'd always want more time. Craig knew that better than anyone.

Shaking those thoughts out of his head, he dialed Emma's number, and sat back. He listened to the phone ring once, twice, then three times. Maybe Joey was wrong, and Emma was finally getting some sleep. Craig was about to hang up when someone finally picked up on the other end.

"Hello?" a hoarse, sleepy voice said.

But it wasn't Emma's voice – it was distinctly a guy's voice. Craig was confused, wondering if he'd dialed the wrong number. But there was something sort of familiar about the voice , something he thought he recognized ...

"Hello?" the voice asked again, this time sounding a bit more alert and a bit more confused.

Craig hung up.

Something was wrong; he could feel it. He just didn't know what it was.

He dialed Emma's number again, this time more slowly, making sure each number was correct. This time, it was picked up on the first ring.

"Hello?" Emma said, sounding out of breath and edgy.

"Hey, Emma. It's Craig. Sorry to call so early."

There was a pause, like Emma was thinking carefully about his every word.

"No, it's fine. Is everything all right?"

"Yeah, Joey just called to tell me the good news about your dad," he told her. "I'm really happy for you guys."

"Thanks," she said, but the word sounded pretty hollow. "It's definitely good news."

Emma must have been having the same thoughts that Craig was. Snake was probably still going to die. They'd only been given a little more time; not a real miracle. He felt so sorry for her but he didn't know how to tell her.

"Anyway..." he said. "Joey wanted me to tell you that we're gonna keep Jack here until this afternoon. When Joey gets home, he'll bring him by. So you can get some rest, or whatever."

There was silence again. Craig could hear fabric rustling on the other end of the phone, like sheets being moved or clothes being put on.

"Thanks, Craig," Emma said quietly. "You guys have been so good to us through all of this. You've been such a big help."

"No problem, Em. You know we're always here if you need us."

"Thanks again, Craig." She sighed. "I'll talk to you soon."

"All right. Bye."

Craig hung up the phone, feeling very strange. Something strange was going on with Emma. It wasn't just that she was upset about her dad. There was something else in her voice, like she was afraid of something.

Maybe Chris had been with Emma last night? Maybe he had answered the phone, and Emma was worried that her mother might find out. But Chris had such distinctive accent; Craig would have known right away that it was him. Still, the voice seemed familiar, though he couldn't quite place it.

Craig shook his head. He'd probably just dialed the wrong number. What other explanation was there?

- x –

At the foot of the bed, Sean sat, tying his shoes. He looked like incredibly guilty, like he'd been caught committing a major crime.

"You don't really have to go," Emma told him. "I mean, if you don't want to..."

He looked at her over his shoulder, frowning.

"I should go. I mean, if your mom comes home ..."

She nodded, though she knew her mother wouldn't be home for hours. He felt uncomfortable now, and there was no way to talk him into staying. Even though it was the thing she wanted most in the world. To just know that he'd be here with her.

He finished with his shoes, and sat still for a moment. He turned suddenly and looked at her. He'd always been able to make her melt with just one look – after everything that had happened between them, it had only stronger. She just couldn't seem to control herself him.

"I'm sorry about the phone thing, Em," he said quietly. "I was still half-asleep and I guess I thought I was home and I just answered it without thinking. It was a really stupid thing to do."

"It's not a big deal," she assured him. "It was just Craig. He probably thought it was a wrong number."

"Yeah, but it could have been your mom or even –" Sean stopped himself, but she knew who he meant: Chris. "I don't want to get you in trouble."

"You didn't," she said firmly. "So don't worry about it."

He slid closer to her, rubbing her knee over the blanket. She watched his hand move, almost mesmerized.

"I don't know what's going on here, Em," he whispered. "And I really don't want to have to explain it to anyone else."

Emma nodded.

"No one would get it..." she whispered back.

Sean shook his head sadly. "I don't think so."

Emma felt tears stinging her eyes, feeling guilty and awful. She didn't want Sean to see her like this, so she let her hair fall over her face, hoping he wouldn't see the tears.

But he reached out, and pushed her hair back. Emma had to look him in the eyes.

"Don't feel bad, Em," he said. "Everything that you're going through... you shouldn't feel bad about anything. It's like you said. You have to do what you feel. None of us knows how long we've got."

He smiled at her, and she felt herself grinning too, even as the tears kept falling.

"So let's not worry everyone else," she said.

God had let her down big time – if He wasn't going to look out for her, then she'd have to look out for herself. Sean made her feel better. It was that simple.

He smiled at her again, and nodded.

"I'm really glad that Simpson's okay," he told her.

"For now anyway."

"Em, you've gotta stay positive. Don't –"

"I know, I know. You're right."

He patted her knee again. "I'm gonna go. I'll see you later."

She nodded, smiling stupidly as he leaned in to give her a quick kiss. She held on to him, pulling him on top of her as she fell back in bed.

"You sure you have to go?" she whispered.

She didn't want to be alone. She didn't want to have any time to think. To think about her father, about Chris, about Ellie. To feel guilty about all of this. If Sean was with her, she knew she wouldn't think about anything but him.

"I really should," Sean whispered.

She nodded again. He kissed her again, very softly on the mouth, almost like he was afraid she would break.

"See you later," she whispered back.

Emma watched him as he headed to the window, crawling out there even though no one else was in the house. It made sense – it was Sean's entrance after all.

She closed her eyes, and willed herself to fall asleep.

- x -


	17. Object of My Affection

Disclaimer – I don't own them.

a/n - I can't apologize enough for taking so long to update. I've been very busy with school and other things, so that hasn't left much time for writing. It stinks because I pretty much have the story planned out, and really only have to sit down and actually write it – I just haven't had the time. I promise to be better about updating from now on. Thank you to everyone who's still interested in this story. I will finish, I swear. 

x -

Life could be really cruel. That was a lesson that Emma was learning over and over again these days.

Her mother had called her to the hospital in the middle of the night because everyone thought Snake was going to die. They'd all been devastated, terrified, and angry, trying to make sense of the most senseless thing that they could ever imagine. They'd all tried to prepare for the worst in their own way – her mom, Joey, Caitlin, Emma herself – but it was an impossible task. There was no way to accept that someone you loved was going to be taken from you. There was no way to get yourself ready for that.

And then, when they had all been cried out, worn down by the pain, the doctors had said that Snake had gotten over the pneumonia. His leukemia had not gone into remission, and his doctors were still hinting that it wouldn't be long, but it was an any minute kind of a thing. They'd have more time to figure out how to say goodbye. They'd have more time to cry.

Emma would have more time to numb herself to it all.

It was almost worse though. The way that their emotions were being played with. They'd been dealing for weeks with the thought that Snake was going to leave them, then he was in a hospital bed, ready to go at any minute. Now he was holding his own for the time being. Who knew what would happen tomorrow, though. Everything could change in a heartbeat.

Emma had stopped hoping that he'd recover. It seemed like a silly, little kid dream. Life wasn't fair. She may have been an idealist at one point, but she that much now.

So when she got home from school on Wednesday, she immediately headed for the basement. She didn't look to see if her mom was home for the hospital, or if someone else was in the house to watch Jack. It may have been selfish, but she wanted – no, needed – a half hour to herself before she could reenter the family tragedy, grab her jacket and head to the hospital to sit with Snake again.

If she stopped and thought about it, she would have been disgusted at the way she'd been acting lately, but luckily, she never allowed herself to think about it. In some important way, Emma felt like she'd been let down – by God or the universe, she wasn't sure. If she was going to lose her father, if her entire life was going to be turned upside down just like that, then she was going to do whatever she wanted. She was owed that.

In theory anyway. Sometimes, the guilt would hit her hard, and she'd have to bury her face in her pillow and cry, forcing herself not to think about Chris or Ellie or any of the other people who might be getting caught in the crossfire of her selfish behavior.

She bounded down the stairs to her room like the place was on fire, but just as she got far enough down to actually see inside her room, she stopped dead in her tracks. She even gasped a bit, like an actress in one of those melodramatic black and white movies from the 40s and 50s.

Spread out across her bed, casually, like he absolutely belonged there, lay Sean, reading a car magazine. His jacket and shoes were in a messy pile on the floor, near her own discarded clothing, and he'd even taken his hat off, which seemed stupidly significant to her.

He was being himself.

Since the night that he'd gone with her to the hospital, a pattern had developed. They saw each other every evening, just as they had been for weeks now, but there was no pretense anymore. They knew exactly why they were together and what they would do. They didn't really talk about it, but it was definitely understood.

When she was with Sean, Emma didn't think about much of anything, especially all the ugly, painful things that were going on in her life. She didn't feel any guilt either. All he made her feel was alive, which was amazing in and of itself, since it seemed like she was surrounded by nothing but death these days. And maybe even more important, he made her feel like he understood, like he knew exactly what she was going through. She didn't know what she'd do without him.

But as soon as Sean would leave, as soon as he started to put his shoes back on and find his jacket, all the questions and guilt would come back full force. She'd hear her mother on the floor above her, and she'd start to worry that she wasn't doing everything she could to help her family, that she was being a terrible daughter and sister. She'd think about Chris, and how all he'd done was care about her and support her, and she'd given him nothing in return. She'd think about Ellie, who hadn't done anything to deserve being hurt and who probably didn't have any idea where Sean was spending virtually all of her nights. She'd think about Sean, and wonder what it was that he felt for her – pity, sympathy, worry… maybe something more, something deeper. She didn't know.

She wanted to ask him about all of this, about Ellie and about his feelings, but she was too afraid of what he might say. It was easier to just keep quiet.

Finding him on her bed in the middle of the afternoon, though, was very strange, and she couldn't help reacting. Sean usually waited until it was dark to sneak down into her room; this was the first time that she'd seen him in her room when the golden shadows from the sun fell across her face.

Emma stood at the foot of the stairs, shocked, and placed her hand over her heart.

"Oh, god," she said, trying to catch her breath. "You scared the crap out of me!"

"Sorry," he said, smiling and sounding anything but apologetic. "I thought you liked surprises."

Emma smiled herself, and started to put her jacket and books away.

"I like surprise, yeah. Not heart attacks."

She turned to look at him again. He had put the magazine down, and was watching her intently.

"What would you have done if my mom came down here?" she asked him.

Sean shrugged.

"Hidden under the bed?"

"But you didn't move at all when I came down."

"I knew it was you," he said. "I know the way your steps sound."

Emma shook her head, laughing.

"You're insane."

He shrugged again, conceding the point.

"So where were you all this time?" he asked, sounding not accusatory but genuinely interested. "I've been waiting almost an hour."

She felt her heart pound again, and the guilt drift very far away. Just the thought that he'd been waiting for her made her feel giddy and out of control.

"I had a SITE meeting." She knew that she sounded as unenthusiastic as she'd felt about it. "But if I'd known that you were here…"

Sean sat up, very interested.

"You'd have blown it off?"

She paused for a moment, realizing what she was saying.

"Probably," she said finally.

As Emma sat beside Sean on the bed, taking off her shoes, she could feel him watching her. It made her feel incredibly nervous.

"Wow," he said. "That's not like good, little responsible Emma Nelson."

There was humor and affection in his voice, and she found herself laughing, smiling at him .

"Screw good old dependable Emma Nelson," she said, falling back on the bed beside him.

Sean laughed with her, but seemed a little caught off-guard. He stared at her across the pillow.

"Maybe I am a bad influence on you."

Emma sighed – the last thing on earth that she wanted was to make Sean feel guilty. Even after all the terrible things they'd said and done to one another when they broke up, he'd been nothing but a great friend to her in the past few months. Even more than that, if she was honest about it. She couldn't let him feel responsible for all the stupid, selfish things that she was doing lately.

"I don't think you can take credit for it any of this, Sean," she said sadly. "Not really."

He nodded, but it seemed like he was still somewhat doubtful. He brushed some of the air out of her eyes, and let out a deep breath.

"How is your dad?" he whispered.

She winced a little, but forced herself to look into Sean's eyes.

"Today, he's holding his own. Tomorrow, who knows?"

She felt a tear slip down her cheek. It was awful, but she'd pretty much accepted that Snake was going to be in the hospital indefinitely, that he'd probably never be home with her, her mom, and Jack ever again.

"Com'ere," Sean said.

He pulled her against him, and she curled around him, getting his t-shirt all damp with her tears.

"I am sick of crying," she told him. "It's pathetic. Every time I see you, I'm crying all over you. It's all I do. I don't know how you stand it."

He laughed quietly.

"It's not all you do, Em." Sean rubbed her back, pulling her even closer. "There's some other stuff too."

Emma knew immediately what he was referring to, but she couldn't handle a serious discussion about their 'relationship', or whatever the heck was going on between them. She felt herself blushing – her skin felt so warm that she thought she might go up in flames. It was better to make a joke of all of it, not let him know how much all of it meant to her – how much he meant to her.

"So that's why you put up with all the crying," she said lightly, hoping that would be the end of it.

Sean tensed up, and pulled back so he could look her in the eye.

"Em, you know it's not like that. I didn't come –"

She shook her head furiously.

"I know, Sean. I was just kidding. Really."

He looked at her intensely, like he was trying to decide if he believed her. Finally he relented, wiping some of the tears from her face. Emma felt the guilt coming back, full force, and she knew that she had to at least try to explain how she felt to him. She owed him that.

"I don't know how it happened…" she started to say. "Because I never thought I'd speak to you ever again, but you're like the only person who understands me these days."

Sean nodded, but didn't speak.

"It's like I don't have to pretend to be the person everyone expects me to be with you," she continued. "I can just be me… whatever that means … and I know you'll still be here."

He smiled, blushing a little himself.

"That's how I used to feel with you," he whispered. "Before I went and screwed everything up."

She started to shake her head, but Sean leaned in to kiss her, and she forgot what she going to say. Whenever they got like this, it seemed like they were the only two people on earth.

"When are you supposed to be at the hospital?" he asked a little while later, between kisses. He sounded breathless and out of control.

"In a couple of hours."

He nodded.

"I'll get you there on time, I promise," he said, smiling.

But in that moment, she didn't care if she ever left this room again. She closed her eyes, and forgot all about hospitals, sick fathers, and well-meaning boyfriends.

Sean was the only thing that she cared about.

x –

She'd been dreading this moment all day, but Ellie knew that it was inevitable. Ashley stood in a dark classroom, cleaning up after a SITE meeting. She was clearly concentrated on the task at hand, but she still wore an ugly scowl on her face, like she was planning on beating the crap out of the next person that she saw.

Lucky me, Ellie thought.

For the past few days, she and Ashley had been avoiding each other. To be fair, Ellie wouldn't have been avoiding Ash if she had her way, but everytime they came face to face, Ashley shot her a look that could killer a lesser person, so Ellie thought it was best to keep her distance. She wasn't exactly sure why Ash was so pissed, though she had a sneaking suspicion.

This morning, she'd come to school, determined to clear the air between them. She'd been waiting for the right moment, which never seemed to come, and now school had been over for an hour and time was running out.

Ellie took a deep breath.

"Hey Ash," she said from the doorway. "How'd the meeting go?"

Ashley looked at her over her shoulder briefly, her scowl deepening, then turned back to her work.

"Fine."

She wasn't about to make this easy for Ellie. That much was obvious. But Ellie wasn't going to be deterred. Ash was her best friend; she didn't want that to change.

"Was there a good turnout?" she asked. It sounded lame but she didn't know what else to say.

Ashley dumped a stack of papers into the trash can.

"Four more people than last time."

She spoke in a short, clipped manner that was cold and unfeeling, and sneered at Ellie like she was a cockroach or worm, something she'd like to crush under the heel of her shoe. Ash might be Ellie's friend, but she could really be a bitch when she set her mind to it.

Ellie sighed, fed up.

"What is your problem, Ash? You've been giving me the cold shoulder all week."

Ashley dropped the slides that she was gathered, and whipped her head up to glare at Ellie. She looked possessed or something, wild-eyed and angry.

"You want to know what my problem is?" she demanded. "You and Craig. That's my problem."

Ellie felt a little dizzy for a moment, panicking. She didn't know what to say. There was nothing going on between her and Craig. Nothing had happened between them. They'd had a couple of conversations about some meaningful stuff, but that was it. Big deal.

Then why did Ellie feel so guilty? Why had she been dreading the thought of having this conversation with Ashley? It might have something to do with the way she was starting to feel. The way she thought Craig might be feeling too. It might have something to do with the dream she'd had about Craig a couple of nights before.

Not that she was going to tell Ashley about that. She hadn't even been able to write about it in her journal, for god's sake.

It only got worse when she imagined what Sean would do if he found out …

Ellie pulled herself together, and met Ashley's stare.

"Ash, there is _nothing_ going on between Craig and I. I mean, Sean—"

Ashley held up her hand, cutting Ellie off.

"I'm not an idiot, Ellie. I know there's nothing like _that _going on with you two."

Ellie shook her head, confused. She couldn't help feeling relieved though. And that made her feel even more guilty. She took a step closer to Ashley, and shrugged.

"Then what do you mean?"

"I'm not blind, Ellie. I see you two talking all the time. Hanging out. What? Are you like his best friend now?" Ashley put her hands on her hips. "At Paige's the other night, you were laughing with him like he was your favorite person on earth. You're supposed to be my friend, Ellie. My best friend."

Ellie lowered her head, feeling terrible. She hadn't intended on warming up to Craig. She still didn't understand how it had happened, actually. The whole thing was crazy.

"I was just talking to him, Ash," she said quietly. "We're not going to hang out together at the mall or anything."

Ashley barked out a laugh.

"Well, it sure seems like you're spending a whole lot of time together. This is Craig, okay? The guy who stomped all over my heart." She sighed, and in that moment, she seemed only hurt and vulnerable, not angry or vengeful. "How can you even stand to talk to him? After what he did? How can you even …"

A single tear ran down Ashley's cheek, and Ellie felt about two feet tall. This was the last thing that she wanted to happen – it was awful seeing Ash in so much pain. But she wasn't being entirely fair either. Craig had made a mistake. Weren't people supposed to get second chances?

Ellie stepped closer to Ashley, and patted her arm.

"Ash, you've got to let go of all of this. Craig did a terrible, selfish thing. But that doesn't mean you should torture him for the rest of high school. It's not good for—"

Ashley snorted, and lurched away from Ellie.

"See, this is exactly what I'm talking about!" she shouted. "Ellie Nash never would have said that a month ago. All of a sudden, you think Craig's a great guy. That I should forgive him, just like that. That's crap, Ellie!"

Ashley turned her back, and started to slip into her jacket. Ellie didn't know what to say. Maybe the way that she was starting to feel was affecting her friendship. Maybe Ashley was right – maybe she wouldn't have felt so charitable toward Craig a few weeks ago.

She watched as Ashley turned back to face her, frowning. This whole thing sucked, and she wished that she could just tell Ashley the truth. Even better, she wished that she could just go home now and tell Sean all about it. None of that was possible.

"Just so you know," Ashley said, as she gathered her books. "You can't be friends with both of us. You're gonna have to make a choice because I can't stand to be around anyone who can stand to be around that asshole. End of story."

Ashley pushed past her then, out the door and into the dark hallway.

Ellie sighed, feeling tears start to prick at her eyes. She sank into one of the chairs, and buried her face in her hands.

The more she thought about it, though, the more she realized that this was all Craig's fault. She didn't know how, but he'd made her feel almost sorry for him. He'd made her feel something wrong and out of control for him. He was coming between her and her best friend. He was making her feel guilty every time Sean smiled at her.

And who was this guy that she was letting ruin everything for her? A cheater. A loser who cared more about his hormones than his girlfriend who he claimed to love.

Well, that was it. She wasn't going to let Craig screw up her life anymore.

It didn't matter than she could still see the heartbroken look in his eyes when he'd talked to her about losing his parents. It didn't matter that she still remembered the way his hand felt in hers, so warm and soft.

She could make herself forget those things. She had to.

x –

Craig sat on the steps outside school, waiting for Spinner to finish up his detention so they could head off for band practice together. He was humming some new songs ideas to himself in an effort to kill the boredom, but it wasn't working very well.

He needed a distraction.

Suddenly, the doors flew open, and Ellie came running down the stairs, looking like she was fleeing a crime scene. She didn't see him sitting there in the corner, but she was clearly upset about something.

"Hey Ellie!" he said. "Where's the fire?"

She spun around quickly, and looked at him. Glared at him was more like it. He'd gotten looks like this from her before, but that was months ago, before they'd really gotten to know one another. He found himself backing away from her, without knowing why he was doing it.

"Look, Craig," she huffed impatiently. "I know you think we're friends now or something, but I'm not one of your buddies, okay? So just leave me alone."

He shook his head, utterly confused. They'd spoken just this morning. He'd told her about a new CD he'd gotten, and she'd asked him to burn her a copy. There hadn't been any tension or anything. This was bizarre.

"Huh?" he finally stuttered. "What?"

Ellie charged toward him, eyes blazing. He knew it was inappropriate considering the circumstances, but he couldn't help noticing again how pretty she was. It was crazy but he almost smiled at her.

"I don't want to talk to you, okay?" she said.

Craig shook his head again.

"I don't get it. We were fine this morning." He took a step toward her, but she back away this time. "What did I do?"

Ellie threw her hands up, looking at him like he was an idiot.

"You screwed Ashley over. Or did you forget that already?"

He frowned. What the hell was going on here?

"I thought we'd kind of gotten past all that. I didn't—"

"Well, you thought wrong," Ellie said. She turned away, and in the shadows, she looked as if she might actually want to hurt him.

Craig felt a sinking feeling in his stomach, like he'd been sucker punched in the gut.

"I don't get it," he whispered.

Ellie turned slowly, and for a moment, her face softened. He thought that he saw the faint glimmer of tears in her eyes, but he couldn't be sure.

"What's there to get?" she said. "Ash is my best friend. I'm not going to do anything that would hurt her."

Craig took another step toward her. He wanted to touch her, but he knew that would be a mistake.

"What have you done that would hurt her?" he whispered. "We haven't –"

"You know what I mean, Craig." Ellie looked down at the ground, biting her lip. "I can't talk about this anymore."

She turned suddenly, and ran down the steps. Her hair flew in the wind like flames.

Craig watched her go, feeling like he'd missed something important.


	18. You Wreck Me

Disclaimer – Still don't own anything.

A/N – I know how long it's been since I last updated, and I'm so sorry – school and other real life obligations have been kicking my butt for a while now. I have the story totally outlined, so I know I'll finish it. I just hope those who are reading along will hang in there with me – thanks to everyone for all the great reviews. I know the stuff going on in this story is pretty much old news as far as DNG the TV show is concerned, but I like the little world we've got going on here so I'm pushing forward. Hope you enjoy.

- x –

For once, Emma actually took the time to appreciate the sun shining brightly above, the way the clear blue sky deepened over the tops of the trees, and the soothing touch of the breeze against her skin as she climbed the steps of the Degrassi Community School. She couldn't believe it, but the morning actually seemed less than miserable for a change. Yesterday evening, when she'd gone to see Snake in the hospital, he'd been awake the entire time, carrying on a silly and pointless conversation that made him seem like the good, old, goofy Snake that she knew and loved. Her mother had sat in the corner, listening to Emma and Snake talk, smiling softly the whole time, and for the first time in a long while, Emma could see hope blossoming in her mother's eyes again.

Emma wished that she could feel that same faith that her mother had rediscovered, but it still eluded her. Maybe she had crossed too far over into dark, hopeless, cynical territory at this point to ever go back to who she had once been.

But even Emma had felt better leaving the hospital yesterday – like Snake had suddenly remembered what he had was worth fighting for, and he wouldn't go gently into that good night… he'd hang on for a while, as long as possible – and then she'd found Sean waiting on her front porch for her, and the world seemed impossibly right for the rest of the night.

She still carried that feeling with her somehow, as she put her books away in her locker and hunted for English books.

"Emma! Thank God I found you!" a voice called out over the noise of the crowded hallway.

She turned to find J.T. barreling into her with all the speed of a freight train.

"Tell me you did Armstrong's homework assignment last night," he urged. "Tell me you did it and you'll let me take a quick little peek at it so I won't get stuck with another week of after-school trig lessons."

Emma put her hand on her hip, getting ready to lecture J.T. on how he should do his own homework assignments if he ever wanted to graduate from Degrassi, but before she could get the words out, she spotted Sean's dark ski cap at the next section of lockers over. She started to smile, remembering how he'd looked just last night in her room, his hair all messy and his eyes all dark and wild.

Across the hall, Sean was smiling himself, looking decidedly less than miserable himself. Emma mimicked his smile, but as she looked closer, she realized that Sean was grinning down at someone, looking all starry-eyed at someone else. And not just anyone either.

At Ellie.

He was smiling down, all bright-eyed and happy, at Ellie. His girlfriend.

Emma felt something in her stomach go cold. For a moment she thought she might actually be sick, right here in the middle of the hallway, with J.T. and Sean and Ellie all close enough to watch, but she took a deep breath, and tried to calm the dizzying feeling in her head. She had no right to feel this way – like her heart had been torn clean out of her chest and stomped on with a pair of stiletto heels. Ellie was Sean's girlfriend, the only one who had any real claim to him. Emma had known all along, somewhere deep inside, even if she didn't want to face it, but standing in the hallway, watching them make kissy-faces at one another, it hit her like a lighting bolt.

And the truth hurt.

If she played any role in Sean's life these days, it was as some kind of sleazy mistress, the slut he was cheating on his girlfriend with.

And she hadn't even considered what she was doing to Chris in all this.

Clearly Emma was in no position to feel hurt.

Yet she felt like she'd been kicked in the stomach as she watched Sean and Ellie as they talked down the hall. Sean reached out, and pushed a piece of Ellie's hair behind her ear, stroking her cheek. Emma's vision seemed to go blurry, and she thought her ears might be ringing…

"Emma! Yoo hoo!"

J.T. waved his hands in front of her face.

"Earth to Emma. Are you still with us?"

She shook her head, forcing herself to focus on J.T.

"Sorry," she mumbled. "I'm just…"

J.T. seemed willing to let her odd behavior go. Everyone seemed to be letting Emma get away with anything these days because her step-father was lying in a hospital bed, waiting to die.

"The trig homework," J.T. reminded her gently.

Without thinking, she reached into her binder, and pulled out the pages that held Armstrong's assignment.

"Here," she said, handing it over. "Just make sure you get it back to me before lunch, okay?"

"Sure, sure," J.T. beamed. "Thank you, Emma! You are a saint."

She watched as J.T. bolted down the hallway, and shook her head.

She was anything but a saint. They'd read "The Scarlet Letter" in English last week, and Emma thought she could use a big red letter stitched across her chest. That was what she deserved anyway.

Enough, she told herself. Stop this stupid pity party and get on with your life.

Before she gathered her books together, though, she took one last look at Sean and Ellie, and sighed.

- x –

I'm being punished, Craig thought to himself as he slowly made his way down the hallway. I'm being punished for what I did to Ashley. And you know what? I pretty much deserve it.

Not only had Ellie essentially told him to get lost, but now he also had to watch her fawning all over Sean in the middle of the hallway at school. He refused to analyze too closely why their PDA bothered him so much, but at least he was able to admit that it did indeed bother him. He watched them kiss for a moment before finally turning a way.

He might deserve a little hell for what he'd done to Ashley and Manny, but he wasn't that much of a masochist.

Craig was starting to feel like the ground was falling out from under him. He had no idea what was going on with his life these days. He'd started out trying to be friends with Ellie because he thought it might take some of the heat off of him for the Ashley debacle, but somewhere along the way, Craig forgot about Ashley all together, and it became all about Ellie – about how easy she was to talk to, how she always seemed to understand what he was saying, even when she didn't agree with him, how pretty she looked when she smiled, how it sometimes seemed that if he could just reach out and touch her, then the rest of the world would fall away. He'd felt some of that with Ashley, and some with Manny, but with Ellie, all of it seemed to hit him at once.

But it was pointless and stupid and something he'd just have to forget because she had a boyfriend. A boyfriend who you wouldn't want to run into in a dark alley. Sean had been his friend once, but these days, they were pretty much strangers. Craig knew Sean had fallen in with Jay and his crowd, and those guys were nothing but bad news. That was certainly not something Craig wanted to get mixed up in.

He took a deep breath, and forced himself to walk down the hallway without looking back at Ellie and her boyfriend. It was harder to do than it seemed, but he made it past the water fountain without looking back once, and was ready to call it a full-out victory when he spotted Emma, standing in front of her locker, looking like someone had told her that the last rainforest on earth had been burned to the ground. She was pale and dark-eyed, her hands shaking as she lifted a book from the top shelf.

Here Craig was, indulging in a nauseating bout of self-pity, while Emma had to sit back and watch her step-dad slip further and further away. She had real problems, real tragedy knocking on her front door. And Craig knew firsthand how that kind of pain felt – he'd lost his mother when he was just a little kid and now his father was gone too. He should know better than to pretend that stupid high school drama like crushing on a girl who already had a boyfriend and hated your guts was going to be the end of the world.

He was going to stop being so selfish and grow up a little – right here and now.

Slowly, Craig walked up to Emma's locker, and leaned against the wall. She was so out of it that she didn't even notice him standing there. Looking closer, Craig thought he saw tears in her eyes, but it seemed like she was holding them in through the sheer force of her will alone.

He knew Emma – she was too proud to cry in the middle of a crowded hallway, even though that was probably exactly what she needed to do.

"Hey, Em," said Craig softly. "How's it going?"

She looked up, startled, and almost dropped her books.

"Craig. Hey."

"You okay?"

Emma seemed to realize all of a sudden how she looked. She wiped at her eyes roughly, and patted her hair down.

"I'm okay," she said. "I'm fine. Really."

Craig nodded, not believing her for a minute.

"How's your dad?"

She met his eyes intensely, almost as if she thought he was testing her or something.

"Pretty much the same," she said. "But he was in a better mood last night. We gossiped about the Media Immersion sub. Talked about the basketball team's big win on Tuesday. He even made one of his goofy jokes about the chili in the cafeteria." She stopped for a moment, smiling wistfully. "It was almost as if …"

"He wasn't sick?" asked Craig.

Emma looked at him, her mouth seeming to tremble with the effort of fighting off a frown.

"Yeah."

He nodded.

"That's good. It's good to have nice memories like that if… you know, when…"

Craig stuttered, feeling like an idiot. Sure, throw it up in the poor girl's face that her father is going to be dead any minute now. Nice one. He shifted nervously, trying to find a way out of this mess.

"I'm sorry, Em," he whispered.

She shook her head, but her eyes still looked glassy and red.

"It's okay, Craig. It was the first good day we've had in a long time. I'm glad we could have that."

Emma smiled, and for the first time since he'd come to her locker, she looked like the strong, feisty girl that Craig remembered. The smile faded, though, as quickly as it had come, and she once again seemed pale and fragile under the hallway's fluorescent lights.

"Is something else wrong?" he asked, trying not to push too hard. "I know you haven't talked to Manny in a while. Is it –"

Emma shook her head firmly, but didn't speak.

"Is it Chris? I heard you guys were dating. Did you have a fight or something?"

Slowly, she raised her head, regarding Craig carefully. She tilted her head, like she was considering the question, then focused her attention on something just past his shoulder. He turned quickly to see what she might be looking at, but the hallway was crowded with people so it was impossible to tell. Emma realized that he knew she'd been distracted, and looked down at the floor, flushing.

"No, Chris and I are fine," she muttered. "I'm just tired. It's tough to get a lot of sleep around our house these days."

Craig nodded sympathetically, and reached out to pat Emma's shoulder.

"You've got to take care of yourself, Em," he told her. "I know that things are hard right now, but taking it out on yourself will only make it worse."

She frowned, and he wondered if he'd somehow said the wrong thing.

"I'm trying to take care of myself," she whispered. "I'm trying."

When she reached out to brace herself against the edge of her locker, Craig thought she might be about to pass out or something. He put his arm around her shoulder, consoling her as best he could, and was surprised when she slumped against him, her head tucked into the curve of his neck. He patted her shoulder awkwardly, not knowing what else to do.

"It'll be okay," he said lamely. Even he didn't find himself all that convincing.

Suddenly, Emma stood up straighter, though she still leaned against him lightly. She stared across the hall, almost as if she were in trance. Craig turned once again to see what had her so interested, but all he caught was a glimpse of Ellie and Sean moving down the hallway, hand in hand. He forgot all about Emma for a moment, and stared at Ellie's small hand, wrapped inside Sean's fist. It made him want to put his own fist through a wall, though he knew he had no right to feel that way. All he could do was bite his lip, and stare at his feet.

When he looked up, his gaze inevitably falling on Sean and Ellie, Craig was surprised to find himself meeting the steely stare of Sean himself. The guy looked pissed, like Craig had insulted his mother or questioned his manhood or something. For a moment, Craig panicked, convinced that Sean knew – Craig wanted Ellie all for himself. He tried to imagine how he'd explain himself, what he say.

He'd deny the entire thing, he decided. He'd tell Sean it was one giant misunderstanding. He'd only gotten closer to Ellie because he'd hoped he could win Ash over again. That was believable. It was possible.

It would have to do. He certainly wasn't about to tell the truth.

But before Craig could even open his mouth, Sean looked away, seemingly uninterested in a confrontation. Craig watched as he bent to whisper something to Ellie, who smiled softly and shrugged. They disappeared around the corner then, lost in their own world.

What the hell was that, Craig wondered. Did Sean know, and was only waiting to get Craig alone before he kicked his ass? Maybe he was just in a bad mood in general, and it was only a coincidence that he'd glared at Craig.

Beside Craig, Emma sighed softly, and he was pulled out of his musings. He looked down at her as she wiped at her eyes once more, and patted her arm.

"It'll be okay," he whispered again. "It'll be okay.

Emma nodded, and he nodded back, trying to believe the words himself.

- x –

People might be surprised to know it, but Sean Cameron actually had a pretty freaking persistent conscience. It usually didn't stop him from doing something dumb if he really wanted to do it but he always felt bad after the fact. His conscience was like that stupid cricket from the Disney movies – clueless and annoying, with a high-pitched, sing-songy voice.

That was probably why he was always doing stupid, destructive stuff – to spite the damn thing, maybe shut it up once and for all.

Still he knew he'd been pretty much ignoring Ellie lately, not to mention the fact that he was paying a hell of a lot of a certain kind of attention to Emma behind her back, and his pushy little conscience was going to nag him until he finally did something about it. In fact, the voice in his head was even louder today because he'd spent the entire night before with Emma, and was still in a good mood because of it (he'd even caught himself smiling in the mirror like a loser while he was brushing his teeth this morning, for God's sake) – feeling less than miserable while he was screwing Ellie over only made him feel more guilty, if that was possible.

The whole situation was fucked up – that much was obvious.

So he went out of his way to find Ellie before his first class. He'd even picked up one of the peanut butter granola bars that she liked so much on his way to school, and as he made his way to Ellie's locker, he promised himself that he wouldn't think of Emma once while he was with Ellie. It wasn't fair to either of them, and he didn't want to be that kind of guy.

He knew, deep down inside, that he actually had become that kind of guy, but he'd deal with that later. One step at time, he told himself.

"This is so sweet," Ellie said, smiling up at him. She held the granola bar between her hands, toying with the bright orange foil wrapper. "I woke up late and had to skip breakfast so you've totally saved me from low-blood sugar. Now I won't pass out in Physics."

He smiled back at her, remembering why he'd fallen for her in the first place. She made him feel like he was fine just the way he was, that there wasn't anyone else he had to be for her to like him. He wondered why she didn't seem angrier that they hadn't spent much time together recently, why she didn't seem to have a problem with the fact that he'd been MIA. Maybe she was just that understanding, that sympathetic.

Sean felt another wave of guilt pass through him.

"Maybe we could have lunch together today," he told. "You could starve if I'm not around to buy you another granola bar."

Ellie grinned, giggling softly.

"That would be nice."

She looked up at him with wide, dark eyes, and he felt like the world's biggest asshole.

"Listen, Ellie," he started to say, struggling for words. "I'm really sorry that I haven't been around a lot lately. It's just that –"

Ellie shook her head, holding up a hand to cut him off.

"Forget it, Sean. Really." She ran her hand over his arm, looking anxious all of a sudden, like she didn't want to be having this conversation at all. "I've been all caught up in some Ashley-related drama, so I've been distracted myself. Let's just say we're both forgiven."

She smiled then, though it seemed a little bit forced. Sean nodded, letting out a deep breath. He bent down to kiss her gently, trying to block out the memory of kissing Emma the night before, how she'd dug her nails into his shoulders through his t-shirt and when he'd showered this morning, there had still been faint red marks there in the shape of tiny crescent moons. Ellie tasted minty, like toothpaste or gum. Last night, Emma had tasted of apple juice, sweet and tart all at the same time.

Sean pulled away, feeling kind of sleazy for making comparisons like that. Ellie half-smiled at him, taking his hand.

"Walk me to Physics?" she asked softly.

He nodded, and allowed her to lead him down the hall.

They didn't make it more than four feet when Sean saw something that made him forget entirely about Ellie and whatever guilt he might be feeling.

In the middle of the hallway, right in front of Emma's locker, Craig Manning stood with his arm around Emma, cuddling her. Sean felt his entire body tense, his blood going to full boil.

He didn't tend to keep up with all of the petty gossip that flowed through the halls of Degrassi, but through Ellie, he'd heard enough about Craig's exploits with Manny and Ashley to get the big picture. He'd been friends with Craig once, long ago before Jay and his crew came upon the scene, so he hadn't judged him too harshly about the whole thing. But now, with him pawing Emma, who was too vulnerable to understand that someone like Craig might take advantage of her, in the middle of the hallway, Sean felt nothing but contempt for Craig. He ignored the fact that what Craig had done to Ashley and Manny, he was essentially doing to Ellie and Emma, because, he told himself, there were extenuating circumstances in his case, and tried to decide which of Craig's bones he'd break first.

Sometimes there was nothing like a good hard punch to the gut. That was probably the best place to start.

He glared at Craig, who finally met his stare and had enough of a conscience to look guilty. Before he really send his message to Craig, though, Ellie looked up at him, and noticed that he was distracted. She glanced across the hall toward Emma and Craig, and turned back to him, looking slightly pale.

There was no way she could suspect, he told himself. How could she ever know?

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"Fine," he told her firmly.

She seemed to accept that, smiling tightly and squeezing his hand.

As they turned the corner into the other hall, Sean forced himself not to look back. It didn't matter anyway – he could still see the image of Craig holding Emma in his head, like a bad dream that just wouldn't go away.

- x -


	19. Touch, Feel & Lose

Disclaimer - I own nada.

A/N – See? Two chaptersat once?I'm getting better, aren't I?

- x –

The day had gone from good to bad in a matter of seconds – however long it took to see Craig cozying up to Emma in the hallway - so it wasn't really surprising to Sean that it had gone from bad to terrible over the course of the morning. He'd left his English book at home, so he'd had to read on with Liberty, Mr. Baldwin returned his history essay with a giant, red D tauntingly sketched across the top, and all morning, he hadn't been able to get Emma to look at him once. He only wanted a smile, one single, stupid smile from her just to make this shitty day seem a little more bearable, but apparently he was asking for too much.

Not that he was willing to give up so easily.

He'd tried staring at her from the back row of English class, but she kept her eyes focused on her book. He'd coughed loudly and persistently from his seat behind her in History, but she just continued to watch Baldwin as he paced back and forth in front of the blackboard. In chemistry, Sean had gotten really desperate, and purposely bumped into her as he pushed past her to his lab table. She'd avoided looking at him even then, merely nodding with her eyes fixed on her shoes when he mumbled a completely insincere 'Sorry.'

At first, he thought that she was just being paranoid, afraid that someone might pick up on whatever it was going on between them if she looked at him too long, if she offered up even the slightest of smiles. But as the morning went on, Sean got a cold feeling in his gut that told him something was very wrong with Emma. He wondered if Craig had done or said something to upset her earlier, if that jerk has really tried to take advantage of her.

He was clearly going to be spending the rest of the day obsessing about this, since Ellie had backed out of their lunch plans, due to "another Ashley-related crisis," as she put it. It was probably for the best, since he would have been distracted by whatever it was that was going on with Emma even if he had eaten with Ellie.

Instead, he grabbed a bag of chips and a soda, and wandered the halls, searching – he knew though he wouldn't admit it to himself outright – for Emma. She wasn't at her locker, wasn't in the cafeteria, and he could only hang around outside the girl's bathroom on the first floor for so long before people would start to think he was some kind of perv.

He tried the gym and the MI lab before finally deciding that it was time to give up. He'd go sit outside, soak up some sun, and try and clear his head, if only for a few minutes.

But of course, just as he was ready to forget about Emma for a second, Sean found her, sitting beneath the mural in the school's front entrance way. She was nibbling at a sandwich and reading a book that was open in her lap. She was completely oblivious to everything around her, including Sean who stood just ten feet away, frowning.

"Emma," he called out, walking closer. "What's going on?"

She looked up, startled, and nearly dropped her sandwich to the floor. He watched as she wiped at her mouth for non-existent crumbs or smears of mustard, and avoided eye contact with him as best she could.

"Lunch," she finally answered, holding up her sandwich. "I didn't want to eat in the cafeteria. Too much noise."

When she finally met his eyes, Sean noticed that they were red, as if she'd been crying. He sat down beside her, accidentally bumping his knee against hers, and Emma seemed to reflexively move away from him, as if she didn't want to touch him at all.

"What's wrong with you?" he asked, a little more forcefully than he intended.

She shook her head.

"Someone could walk by. We don't want anyone to think—"

"That's not what I mean. You've been acting weird all day. What's wrong?" He turned, so he could look at her better. "Did something happen this morning?"

Emma finally looked up at him, her eyes full of bright tears, and sighed.

"My dad is dying," she whispered. "There's something wrong every minute of everyday."

Her voice was low and almost devoid of emotion, but Sean felt as if he had been punched in the gut. Way to be sensitive, he thought to himself. Of course she's upset, dumb ass.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled, feeling ashamed.

"You don't have anything to be sorry about," said Emma. "It's not like…"

She huffed out a small sound that was almost a laugh, but not quite.

"It's not like what?"

"Nothing. Forget it."

"No," Sean declared. "I know better than anyone how hard things are for you, but there's something else going on her than just being upset about your dad."

"Sean—"

"Does this have something to do with Craig? Did that jerk do something to you?"

Emma blinked, clearly confused. She shook her head.

"Craig?" she asked, sounding like she couldn't remember who he was. "What does he have to do with any of this?"

"I just—"

Sean stopped himself, and stared down at the floor. He wasn't about to tell Emma that he'd been watching her in the hallway with Craig. She'd think he was spying on her or something, that he was jealous of her spending time with anyone that wasn't him. It didn't matter that that was probably the truth – she didn't need to know about any of it. She wouldn't like to know, he thought. It would probably scare her off, and that was the last thing he wanted.

"What?" Emma asked. She stared at him expectantly.

"Nothing. I'm just… I'm having a bad day."

She nodded.

"Me too." She dropped the rest of her sandwich into a brown paper bag, and crumpled it into a ball as she stood. "I'm just tired, Sean. And cranky. No big deal."

Sean watched her as she straightened her skirt, and gathered her books. He didn't believe her for a second.

"I've got to go," she said. "I'm supposed to meet JT to go over Armstrong's homework assignment."

He stood himself, watching her as she walked away. There had to be something that he could say or do. He felt as if some kind of pit had opened between them, a distance that definitely hadn't been there last night when they were alone in her room.

"Em," he called after her, struggling for words. "I—"

She turned back to him, her eyes still wet and shining, looking heartbroken and lost. She barely moved, waiting for him to say something.

Sean opened his mouth, the words burning the tip of his tongue, but before he could get a single one out, the front doors opened, and a gaggle of gum-snapping, gossiping grade 8's came parading through the foyer. He watched them for a moment, trying to make them vanish through the sheer force of his will alone, and by the time he turned back to Emma, she was gone.

"Fuck," he muttered under his breath.

In an angry fist, he crushed his empty soda can, and flung it at the floor.

The prissy girls behind him gasped, sounding like a bunch of annoying birds or insects.

And in that moment, Sean knew that the day just gone from terrible to something so far off the charts, it didn't have a name.

- x –

For the past few weeks, Craig had spent his mornings at school practically living for lunch. That wasn't exactly something new – who wouldn't rather be stuffing his face with his friends than sitting around listening to a Physics lecture or taking a Pre-Calc pop quiz? – but lately it become almost like an obsession. He'd count the minutes at the start of each class, and periodically check the clock while he sat stuck at a desk, so he could update the tally and feel himself inch closer to freedom. There was a very simple reason for this – Ellie.

At lunch, in the middle of the crowded cafeteria, they always seemed able to find some time, at least ten minutes or so, to talk to each other alone. Ashley would be off checking her e-mail or making photo copies for SITE, so they'd be safe on that front. Sean never seemed to be around all that much these days, so he wasn't a problem either. Craig and Ellie could just talk, without worrying about what other people would think or feel, without worrying about other people listening to their conversation. Most days, they didn't talk about anything earth-shattering, just basic stuff like new music they liked or why they liked or didn't like the book they were reading in English, but sometimes, it would be serious stuff, like when she told him about how scared she was for her father, stationed half-way around the world, in a dangerous, unstable place, or when he confided to her that he was afraid that he wouldn't ever really be good enough at music to make a career of it, even though that was what he wanted most in the world.

Craig had even considered telling Ellie about what it had been like to find out that Manny was pregnant, how it felt when he learned that she was going to have an abortion. He'd never told anyone about that stuff, and sometimes it seemed like it was eating away at him inside, when he'd pass Manny in the hallway and see her big, sad brown eyes, or when he was at the mall and saw some guy pushing a stroller with a baby inside. But he'd never gotten a chance to share any of that with Ellie; he was back to being _persona non gratis_ with her again, and so all of that would have to remain buried inside him.

Ever since Ellie had effectively cut Craig out of her life, he'd begun dreading lunch. The only way to deal with missing her (and he could finally admit to himself that he was missing her something bad) was to keep himself busy. He made plans with Jimmy to play basketball one day, spent another day with Spinner going over some new songs for the band, but most days, he'd wind up somewhere with Marco, going over whatever they'd learned in class that week because he'd been too distracted to really pay attention. Today he'd been studying Pre-Calc with Marco in the library – they had a quiz tomorrow, and he knew he was totally screwed. Thank God Marco was willing to help.

Craig gathered his Pre-Calc text and notebook from his locker, and slammed it shut, getting a cheap thrill from the violent sound it made. He didn't have time to enjoy it for long, because without any warning, he was slammed back against the cool metal and turned around. When he finally got over the surprise and caught his breath, Craig found himself face-to-face with one very pissed-off Sean Cameron.

"Come on, man," Craig huffed. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Sean grabbed fist-fulls of Craig's t-shirt, and thumped him against the locker again. He fell back against the wall, hard, and banged his head.

"What—"

"So Ashley and Manny weren't enough for you, Manning?" Sean snarled. "You need another girl to add to the collection? To make you feel like a big man?"

Craig's mouth went dry, and a fuzzy, light-headed feeling came over him. Nothing had happened between he and Ellie, he told himself. Not really. She wouldn't have said anything to Sean about it – he was positive about that. So Sean couldn't know anything for sure. It was all just speculation, nothing that could be proven. It was like he decided that morning – he'd just deny it. He'd pretend that he wasn't feeling a thing for Ellie. No good would come of telling the truth – that was certain.

"Look, Sean," he started to say, feeling sweat drip down the back of his neck. "I think you've got the wrong idea about—"

"The last thing Emma needs right now is you playing games with her. What kind of jerk are you?"

Craig stilled for a moment, wondering if he'd misheard Sean. But he'd said it plain as day – EMMA, not Ellie. Craig shook his head, and tried to make sense of what was going on here.

"Emma?" he said, genuinely confused.

"You heard me. She's got enough going on without some wannabe ladies' man messing with her head."

Craig frowned.

"Hey, Sean, take it easy, man. There's been a real misunderstanding here."

Sean pushed Craig against the locker again, taking an even tighter grip on his shirt.

"Let me make it really clear then, okay?" growled Sean. "You make her cry even one single tear, and I'll make sure you do some crying yourself. Got it?"

Craig nodded, confused as ever.

"Yeah, man. I don't know why…" He took a deep breath. "I've been friends with Emma for a long time. I feel bad about what's going on with her and her family. That's all. There's nothing else going on. Seriously."

Sean loosened his grip slightly, taking a step back.

"Good. Keep it that way." Sean finally let go of Craig's shirt, and backed off. "We used to be friends, man. I don't want to have to do this again."

"Me neither. Believe me," Craig assured him.

Sean nodded, and stalked off down the hall without saying another word.

"What the hell," Craig muttered to himself as he straightened his shirt.

He had no idea what he'd done to, with, or for Emma that would get Sean so pissed off. As far as Craig knew, the two of them didn't even speak to each other anymore. He had no idea why Sean had taken on the role of Emma's protector or why he thought she needed protection at all. It was all so strange.

But Craig did know one thing – if this was how Sean reacted when he thought someone was taking advantage of his ex-girlfriend, there was no telling what he'd do when it came to his current girlfriend. Craig felt himself getting sucked into a mess that was a bigger disaster than the Titanic. It was almost as if he were standing in quick sand, and there was no way to pull himself out.

As he bent down to retrieve his math books, Craig noticed someone standing near the end of the hall. He looked up, and found Ashley smirking at him, with all the glee of a little kid on Christmas morning. He had no idea how long she'd been standing there, or how much she had heard but she'd definitely seen something.

"Enjoy the show?" he asked snidely.

"You have no idea."

With that, she turned and headed for the cafeteria, looking like she didn't have a care in the world.

"Fuck," Craig muttered under his breath, banging his fist against his locker.

- x –

In the middle of the noisy cafeteria, Ellie sat alone at a table, waiting for Ashley to show up. Ash had said that she only had a couple of e-mails to send, so she'd be there for lunch in ten minutes, tops, but it was almost twenty minutes already and there was still no sign of her. Ellie went back to her notebook, where she was sketching a burning building. She wished that she had a red pen to color in the flames.

It had taken some serious effort but Ellie had finally gotten Ashley to believe that she had no desire to be friends with Craig Manning. So things had essentially gone back to normal – the way they'd been about two months ago, before she'd ever started seeing Craig as more than a sleazy, two-timing creep. She avoided him like the plague, laughed when Ash told nasty jokes about him, and never even mentioned his name when she and Ash were together. She was back to being the old Ellie, best friend extraordinaire.

Too bad she felt awful about the whole thing.

This morning, even though she'd been holding Sean's hand, she watched as Craig comforted Emma, who was no doubt crying about her dad. She was mesmerized by how kind he was to Emma, how he put his arm around her and offered up all the sympathy and understanding that he could. Ellie knew how easy it was for him to empathize with Emma, how he knew exactly what she was feeling, but that didn't mean that it wasn't tough for him to face his own fear, anger, and sadness, which he had to do in order to be any comfort at all to Emma. It was such a sweet thing for him to do, Ellie thought, and despite what Ashley might think, she couldn't help thinking of Craig as anything less than kind and brave.

She'd wanted to tell him exactly that, but she wasn't supposed to talk to him anymore – they weren't friends; they weren't anything to each other actually – and she was with Sean anyway.

God. Sean.

As if she didn't feel bad enough, now she had to go and think of Sean. She'd been so caught up in this stupid Craig and Ashley drama that she'd pretty much been ignoring him lately. And instead of being angry or resentful, Sean had let her off the hook entirely. He'd been so understanding and supportive lately that she felt even worse. Even today, when she had to tell him that she couldn't eat lunch with him because Ashley had her heart set on a little girl talk, Sean had only smiled and nodded, then kissed her on the cheek and disappeared.

What the hell am I doing, she asked herself. Sean is great, Ash is my best friend – why would I risk any of that for someone like Craig Manning?

Before she could come up with any real answers, Ellie spotted Ashley bouncing into the cafeteria like she'd just found she won the lottery. She practically skipped over to the table where Ellie sat, beaming from ear to ear.

"You know, Ellie, when I asked you to talk to Sean, I was only kidding," Ashley laughed. "I didn't think you'd actually do it."

Ellie frowned, not understanding what she was talking about.

"What do you mean?"

The smile slipped from Ash's face, and she seemed to suddenly sober up.

"I just saw Sean practically smacking Craig around at his locker," she explained. "I thought you'd told him to…"

Ellie's eyes went wide, and she felt her stomach tighten into one giant knot.

"Just now?" she asked, standing up. "Did either of them get hurt?"

Ashley shook her head.

"No. Nothing actually happened. It just looked like Sean put that loser in his place for once." She smiled. "I saw Craig in the library afterward. He was still alive and well. Unfortunately."

"Oh God," Ellie whispered.

If Sean thought for even a second that something was going on between Ellie and Craig, he'd punch first, and ask questions later. So it only made sense that he'd confront Craig first, before he got around to her. She had no idea how he'd ever even suspect that something was up with her and Craig, but why else would he push Craig around at his locker? It was the only thing that made sense.

"I've got to find him," she said, forgetting for a moment that Ashley was even there. She grabbed her books, and tossed the remains of her lunch into the trashcan.

She was halfway to the door when she heard Ashley calling after her.

"I think Sean was headed toward the parking lot," Ash said. "You can probably find him there."

Ellie raced through the empty hallways, peeking through the doorways of open classrooms, even though she knew where she was headed. She didn't want to risk missing him, if it was at all possible. But most of the rooms were empty, so when she reached her destination, she knew that she'd find him there.

Outside the door, she tried to calm her breathing – she didn't want him to know that she'd run the whole way to him. It was pathetic, and kind of melodramatic. She turned the doorknob slowly, and called his name.

Craig looked up from his book, and, when he first saw her standing there, smiled before he could catch himself. The grin faded quickly, replaced by a look of confusion and mild annoyance. Ellie scanned his face for any signs of cuts or bruises, but saw none.

"Are you actually looking for me?" he asked snidely. "We're not friends, you know."

"Craig," she said softly, moving slowly to sit across from him at the table.

"What?" he demanded. "What do you want?"

"Ash told me that you and Sean got into a fight. Are you all right?"

Even now, with a closer look, she couldn't detect a single mark on Craig's face. If they had gotten into it, it clearly hadn't gotten too far.

"Are you kidding me?" laughed Craig bitterly. "What? Did Ashley run all the way to you just so she could share the joyful news?"

"Are you saying she's lying?"

Craig sighed, closing his eyes like he had a headache. He opened them slowly, looking at Ellie carefully, as if he were considering what he should say exactly.

"No, I'm not saying she's lying" he said, sounding completely exhausted. "As usual, Ash is just blowing things out of proportion."

"You and Sean didn't fight?"

Craig ran a hand across his face and through his hair. He stared at Ellie intensely, and she could see a hundred different things in his eyes – sadness, anger, fear, confusion. He shook his head then, almost as if he were trying to clear it of all his runaway thoughts.

"We were joking around," he said finally. "You know how stupid guys are. We were just joking. No big deal."

Ellie nodded, though she wasn't sure she believed him. He was clearly holding something back, but she couldn't figure out what it was. If Sean had confronted him about her, Craig would tell her, no matter how embarrassing it might be. He wouldn't want her to be caught off-guard when Sean asked her about it, she was sure of that. So why did she get the feeling that he wasn't telling her the whole story?

"Craig," she whispered, and he looked up at her again, this time with clear, dark eyes. "I was just worried about you. I don't want to—"

"You really don't have to do that," he said shortly. "I mean, what would Ash think?"

In a blur, Craig gathered his books, and took his jacket off the chair behind him. Ellie watched him charge out the door, feeling strangely guilty.

What the hell was she doing these days?

She wasn't being fair to Craig, or Sean, or Ashley. She probably wasn't even being fair to herself. The whole situation pretty much sucked, but she was only making things worse.

"Fuck," she whispered under her breath as she watched the librarian shelve a bunch of encyclopedias. "Fuck."

- x -


End file.
